I reached a point where all the reasons to leave this world are strongest that the ones to stay. Something brokes in me, I can’t feel anything but hate, and this hate is slowly killing me from the inside, so I’m starting to wonder why shouldn’t I end this myself.
I don’t know what to do. All I asked was love but in my life, I’ve just known the wrong side of it. I was the one who was loving, never the one loved. And a lot of time, I thought that it will be it, that the nightmares will finally end but only false hope in my eyes. This is what I know best. I thought the people around me loved me but now, I know that this was all bullshit. They never loved me, the only thing they did was to make me think that. And I believed that like hell. That’s why the fall is so hard. Never had any girlfriend, girls don’t want me. I treat them like princess, they treat me like shit. Kindness doesn’t have any place in this world, only cruelty can survive. I always tried to be kind but all I had was constant taunts. In a way, that makes me stronger, peoples don’t make fun of me anymore. So I thought that suffering was far behind but guess what? Only false hope. It follow me like the devil. I have friends and I’m glad of it but I only trust a few. By everyone, I feel betrayed. Hypocrisy is my worst enemy and it’s everywhere.
I also hate this world. Everything’s fucked up, peoples killing others for religion or money, corrupts governments everywhere, war for oil… I don’t want to live in this hell. I really don’t belong here and I’m almost sure the street is for me. I feel all this shit since seven years but something pushed me to write this on this site:I don’t feel sadness anymore! I can’t even cry, all my tears are gone. I don’t give a shit of what can happen to me and all this people that claimed to be my friends, I can only look at them with eyes full of hate. So much hate… Before, I just had to hit a wall or everything else to relieve my hate but now, it doesn’t work anymore. It just brings more and more hate. I feel like I can kill a man and the worst is that I wouldn’t give a shit. I’m starting to be afraid of myself. So I smoke weed, it helps me forget everything but I can’t smoke anytime. I wish I could because this hate’s still inside. I tried to make it go away with blood by cutting myself. But all I have is a leg full a scars. The only thing left I see is suicide, cutting my veins to finally go.
I’m scared of sleeping because when I wake up, I realise that my dreams are only dreams. I just want an eternal sleep where my dreams will never end. But I don’t want to do harm to the few that love me, they are so precious to me. I’m stucked in a trap where all I can do is suffer. And I’m scared. Every day’s just an other fight but there’s nothing to win, just an other day full of suffering. And inside the hate is controlling me, it will make me do thing that I won’t be proud of, I know that. That’s why I need your help. All I’m waiting for is a few words, just to let me know that somebody read what I’ve wrote, just to know that I’m not alone.
I love you.
11 comments
youre not alone. hate is a vindictive lover i know intimately. youre not alone, friend.
Your three words “you’re not alone” brings something, I don’t know what it was but just three words bring it in me. I don’t know who you are and I never talked to you before but right now, I just feel so close to you. Thanks you men, really.
of course brother
I dont know what u have been thru, u dont know what Ive been thru, but I (dont) feel the same way.
Weed helps to sleep, some other drugs can make life interesting but thats just a second comparing to years. Ive been like that for some time. You wrote that the world is fucked up, but I dont even care about the world anymore, wars, political shitstorm etc… nothing. Got a puppy today, didnt smile for second, just another reason to live. Try some drugs. Anyone who wants to suicide because of depression, and writes that drugs wont help/do worse is just liar, or never tried. If u cant live in a place like this then change it, but if ure not a son of Kim Jong whatever then u gotta do it ur own way. Create own world or whatever u’ll call it. If u have to, then cut off totally from society. Any reason to go on will do, no matter how fucked up ( just dont kill decent people 😛 )
nah, ive done fair share of drugs and they fuck you up more. do not take that advice. fuck drugs
Well, the question now is: Do u want to stay clean ? Or do u want to live. In some critical situations it can help to live untill something happens ( worse / better) I’d never recomend drugs unless it’s last resort. Never seen a happy person taking drugs, we all struggle in this shithole, and a drowning man will clutch at a straw.
I tried to resist drugs because they don’t have a great reputation but I know that someday, I’m gonna drown into them. I have few moments in my life, the ones where I just feel nothing but hate like right now, the ones where I’m hoping so hard for something and the one when my hope is left broken in the ground. Theses last ones are too difficult to live and I know that it will be in one of this moments that I’m gonna try hard drugs because there will be nothing else to keep me alive. But right now, I just don’t want to live in an illusion.
I feel exactly the same way. No friends, no relationships, only loneliness and hate. I’m also kind to everyone and genuinely try to help others and make them happy, but it only backstabs me. Meanwhile every evil, disrespectful person around me succeeds in life. I remember that I used to be a rotten person myself until around the age of 10 and that was the only time when the opposite gender liked me, people wanted to be my friends and I was considered to be a cool person. But in reality I was none of that, I was rude and arrogant. However successful. Everyone adored my evil side. As I matured I started to respect honorable traits and world peace. I became nice to people around me, and did things that left others amazed by my generosity. But the very next minute they all dumped me in the garbage and supported narcissist individuals who destroyed everything on the path to gain a personal favor. I started to get bullied and became an outcast which I remain to be till this day at 22. Would I ever go back to being my old self? Never, I’d rather be dead than corrupted.
I share your point of view about the world. I can add so many negative things to your list but it would take me several pages. The society we live in feels like a hell on Earth, maybe we are already in hell but just don’t know it. Hard to imagine it being worse. Life is a cruel joke, we all possess a natural instinct of survival that manipulates us into a false realm of happiness for the sake of continuing breathing and reproducing. For no reason, just to prolong pain and suffering and pass it on to the next generation. This is Hell in its cruelest form.
You’re definitely not alone. I hope this thought will bring a small measure of peace for your mind. Personally, I’m already past my breaking point and feel more sick with each following day. Just like you, don’t want to wake up. And hopefully will find a courage soon enough to put an end to my miserable existence.
Looks like in this world, kindness is a weakness for the others. But for me, it’s my strenght. If I had the life I live nowadays and the cruelty that I despise, I would be dead right now because that would be sometimes that I can’t take and that would means that all my suffering is vain. I don’t get why peoples are trying so hard to live, there’s nothing to gain but pain. They don’t tell you that in school. But I hope that you will find the strengh to live more years out here because if you don’t, that would be a nice person less and this world and I, do not need that.
How about mass suicide ? ( jk )
I’d like to see a word where all decent people killed themselves. That’d be hell of a show : D
Feelings are important. And hell and heaven are both certainly places on Earth. We all make mistakes. It’s important to accept those mistakes……I hope someone lets you know that. The world can be a very harsh and manipulative place. It can tear at your soul. It can make you do things that deep down you know you shouldn’t. Sometimes other people can influence you.
Feelings are only wrong to a robot. Sometimes it takes a moment to breathe. Feelings are important though. They make us human.