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Not Turning Back

by apathyismine
written by apathyismine

The last train comes in a few. I’m outside, my hands are turning blue. The blistering wind in my hair. So many voices in my head. None of them are telling me to stop anymore. I don’t care anymore. I’m comfortable with all of turmoil in my head. I’ve accomplished so much in my short life. Did everything I knew I could, though I had no help. Everything alone. I’m so so lonely. Maybe I should’ve did this sooner. Definitely. I guess I’ve finally succumbed to my loneliness. A symptom of loneliness is death, right? Is this going to hurt, those fleeting moments when death is overtaking me. Overwhelming me with the coldness of an eternal numbness. It probably won’t hurt more than living my life aimlessly everyday. I would die to feel love. I guess I can search for that on the other side. I think I can hear the train now. Maybe I’ll be on the news in the a.m. Fuck it though. Standing on this platform kinda makes me feel a certain euphoria. So long I guess…

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10 comments

soulsister 2/28/2015 - 4:38 am

I hope you have turned back!! xx

apathyismine 3/9/2015 - 1:02 am

Just got out of the hospital. Guess I should have chose something less public.

fuckeverything07 4/6/2015 - 1:44 am

well that’s funny XD. hope you still alive now

curfde 2/28/2015 - 8:20 pm

I hope you turn back also but I’d be a liar if I said I don’t feel like that too.

apathyismine 3/9/2015 - 1:00 am

I didn’t turn back. Someone”saved” me. Back to the daily misery and possible meds. People don’t realize that meds can’t fix a broken person.

batmans_darling 3/14/2015 - 9:57 pm

Thank u for being here<33

serenityseeker 3/2/2015 - 10:02 pm

Well, I can’t say that I have never felt that way myself. I have actually sat on the edge of the tracks myself watching closely as the triple lights headed my way. it was so tempting. I was watching the lights get bigger and brighter and I did find a sense of peace and a calming that came over me. It was down to the last second before I changed my mind. The only thing that has kept me here is the knowledge that my kids would suffer some great loss and such if I were no longer here for them. The thing I find myself constantly weighing is this, what is will cause more suffering, me staying or me going. I am still deciding which it is but i certainly hope to find the answer soon. Cuz this pain seems to be worse than the brief and temporary amount of pain that it would take to get over all of this.
I hope that you have found your serenity whatever you have chosen to do.

apathyismine 3/9/2015 - 12:59 am

I hope I find peace too. Or something close.

perfect2bones 3/5/2015 - 12:00 am

I wonder, and always will I spose, how that felt. I want to know SO bad… bye

apathyismine 3/9/2015 - 12:58 am

I wish I could tell you. I was close too.

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