I haven’t posted on here in a while…my last note was sort of melodramatic. A lot has happened since then. I won’t delve into it.
I think I might have an answer. An answer to my depression, my self-harm, my self-consciousness. For years I haven’t felt comfortable in public, around other people. I’ve felt like a giraffe in a group of flamingos. Weird analogy, I know.
I’m a teen female, by the way. But for a while I’ve identified as more androgynous. I haven’t expressed this feeling openly (my family isn’t really open-minded). I feel more confident wearing gender-neutral/transmasculine clothing. But put me in bright tops, and…I’d fucking faint in class.
Do any of you have experiences with this sort of thing? I doubt I’m full blown transgender…it’s more an androgynous deal. If any of you have advice, please share. I don’t have a single person to hang out with – no friends, etc, because I’ve never really related to anyone. Plus I’m awkward.
Am I over-thinking this? Is this a fake Revelation for me? I feel like punching something out of joy, right now….haven’t felt happy in a long time…
2 comments
Just like some people are transgender, they identify as the gender opposite their biological sex, there’s people who’s identities are androgyn, ‘genderqueer’ and ‘genderfuck’. At least when transpeople try to explain their gender identity, people can understand it (even if they don’t really get what it means…). For people who don’t fit either side of our binary understand of gender identity they have to explain something even more convoluted.
Congratulations on coming to a potential answer. I hope it’s the correct one and that this new understanding helps you going forward.
I can imagine how you feel. I have similar feelings, sometimes so intense that I can’t bear another day going by without medication, but other times I just don’t care anymore, like I’ve totally given up. I don’t know what transgender really means. I mean, I always have the feeling I’m born with the wrong body, but I don’t express my gender identity strongly either way, not like stereotypical transgender. Maybe I’m the social conforming type, not the rebellious type. I’d never know what it’s like to be a male, female, or in between, because I can only be me. Either way I’m just unhappy. If I conform to social expectation, I’d be unhappy. If I don’t, I’d be bullied and ridiculed behind my back, or beaten to death by a homophobic drunkard. I don’t have friends either. I don’t feel I fully belong to, or relate to either genders. That sounds awful, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make a good living and be successful at something. Try to find peace and happiness from inside. A piece of clothing is just that: an insignificant and meaningless byproduct of human kind. I’d don something that brings me less trouble.