I haven’t cut myself in a long time. And tonight. 5 mins ago. I did. And I realize how much I missed it. Idk if I’m fucked up for that. But idk. I don’t care I guess. Every day I picture myself dying. Dead laying there. I don’t have to feel pain anymore. And that’s the ultimate goal. I wanna be happy. But I’m not happy being here.
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I did around New year’s for the first time in 16 years. It was only a little, but I needed to know I was alive, that I could still feel.
After not being able to stab myself Sunday night, I just stared at my reflection in the blade and just started dragging it across myself, letting the weight of the knife do the work. It didn’t break the skin, but it would leave lines crisscrossing my chest and stomach. That continued off and on until yesterday morning. I am sore but at least I feel, every brush of fabric making me grit my teeth. If I wasn’t so sick, it would be hard not to look miserable.
I only wish I would have had the strength to bury the knife where my heart should be. I will never be happy. I know this. All I can do is see if I still feel.
I’m sorry if I am bringing you down… I hope you find a way to break even and climb back to stable ground.
My days and nights are all slurring together apparently. That was Monday morning I couldn’t stab myself… Sigh. I guess it doesn’t really matter when it was.
i havent cut since november… but the thought of it lingers still in my mind, your not alone temptation is hard to beat
I was never one for cutting. I wouldn’t want to feel any more pain than I already do. And if people knew or found out that I did that, and asked me about it, I wouldn’t have a rational explanation. Maybe things will get better in time though…..
i could have written this post. cutting is pretty amazing, i think that’s why everyone’s so scared of it. luckily i’ve never found myself too addicted though, so i don’t really care about the fact that i occasionally do it
one thing, however… you’re definitely not going to be happy dead. you’re just not going to be miserable.