As said before,I dont find it necessary to explain myself.3 gallons of water in 2 hours is the goal,and after further research I will be sitting in a small shower room with a pancho on to sweat out as much salt as possible,seeing as to my body is in no condition to run or work out.my injuries hold me far beyond that.after removing as much sweat from my body as possible i will set a timer for 2 hours and begin the process. Ill post again within 24 hours if it doesn’t work.
I remember going to Swaziland as a missionary into a village. I was blessed enough to have electricity. I would bucket bath and have to go to the bathroom in a long drop.
It was quiet. It was beautiful. My main goal was to create a report of the area and I was invited to one of the locals one day. They just started singing and it was probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. It got dark and they were just singing under candle light. I left there having to walk home in the dark (they have no street lights) and I felt like there was some beauty in the world.
It will always be remiss of me to assume that my interactions with them will amount to anything significant and if they do, significance is an illusion; deceit, miscommunication, and utility will form the core of that relationship. In the event that I’m wrong, and the relationship exists on positive grounds, then it is wasted on someone like me and someone else is more suitable to be that other person’s friend/lover/parent/etc.
Remembering this information will be critical to achieving my ultimate goal and not repeating past events which have led to my suffering.
I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Maybe everybody is. But it seems like most people manage to maintain a degree of balance.
I want so many different, irreconcilable things. Many of them are flat out logically incoherent (even if I could time travel.) Some are just wildly improbable. And of those that are possible, my preference swings back and forth on an hourly basis. Any steps I take towards one goal will likely be undone the next day in pursuit of another. I don’t just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the whole frickin’ cake shop, and all possible cakes yet to be baked.
I often wish I was a consistent, dependable person. Rather than this ball of fluctuating fantasies, fears, ideals, and feelings. I can resolve to do something one day, and mean it, and do the exact opposite the next. There’s nothing of substance underpinning anything I say or do. I’m not so much a person as a cluster of competing emotions locked in an endless wrestling match.
Wow. Okay thats a thing.
Ive been passive aggressively making life harder for myself.
Exploiting all my health issues, especially the issues i know plague the bloodline. Picked up cancer sticks with the goal to burn through a pack a week…hell even depleted all my finacial resources knowing id be fucked when debt collectora come knockin.
Anything, to get sick to get hurt…to be ruined and yet.
A car that shouldve totaled me narrowly misses..my doc clears me of any bad news and now somehow i have money in the bank. Not just a few dollars but enough to get by the next few months.
I just dont get it. Universe there are so many others who deserve that help. In all those situations, so why waste it on someone who doesn’t want to even live? Let alone actually do something productive with what they do have. Man its like a normal person would be so happy about this right. But im just so lost with how i feel and kinda upset. Man im just this loser asshole so why?
I’m sure I’ve written many variations of this here before, but what the hell.
I’m a failure, as a human being. By pretty much any standard you can think of. That’s not going to change. There’s no future version of me that doesn’t feel alone, anxious and exhausted all the time. That can be happy and relaxed around others.
I can’t change the past. I can’t control the way I feel. I can’t really change the world we live in. These things are not mine to decide.
And yet here I am, still alive. For the foreseeable future. So, what do I want to do with this undeserved abundance of vitality?
Nothing feels good. No goal seems worthwhile. Even suicide. I’m stuck in this no man’s land, where all is grey insignificance.
The world keeps spinning. We westerners go on living our happy privileged lives. Everyone else keeps on striving so that they (or their children) can someday have the same.
And I’m just…..here. I’m an absence. A void. A negation of the human spirit. Nothing seems good anymore. In truth it hasn’t for many years. I’ve just become tired of pretending.
My whole life I have been used and abandoned by men. After my last heartbreak I pretty much broke. I have been overweight most my life but once lost 100lbs. While I don’t have that much to lose again I think I’m going to use my anger and frustration and put it back into working out.
I am going to concentrate on me and my health for awhile. I want to get fit again and then instead of a relationship I’m thinking of escorting. (Not prostitution). I just need something to shoot for a goal. I can’t “use” people without their knowledge so this is as close to cold hearted as I can get. Sometimes I wish I could be like the people that use me and treat me like I’m just a pawn in their games. I doubt I will go through with it but it gives me something to obsess on beside ending my life.
According to the dictionary definitions of freedom include:
a : the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action
b : liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence
I been thinking a lot about these two definitions. Take definition A For example – when people denies your right to choose or passes legislation to prevent choice (especially in terms of right to die), isn’t that coercion? Isn’t that constraint in choice or action? Look at example B – isnt the human condition in of itself a form of slavery? We are restrained by the laws of nature, and have to answer to the majority.
To me, freedom is much more than just a democratic society, it’s a state of being that is impossible to achieve. We are enslaved by weather, mortality, diseases, accidents, our neurochemistry, and suffering. We must work for someone to keep the world running.
That is not freedom. I’m not advocating anti work or anti responsible authority, my point is freedom is impossible. To me, freedom would be a transhumanistic utopia where the main goal is to play and create. A far future society were suffering and death is the thing of the past and post scarcity becomes a reality. Basically we would become gods from a technological standpoint, able to do what we wish without the ability to harm anyone. A world were everyone has equal abilities and complete control over mind and body. Since that can’t happen anytime soon, what other choices do we have? I for one, would like to have the choice to have a bottle of N setting next to me. I may never use it but it would give me a sense of comfort, lesson my fears, and give me some peace knowing it’s there if I ever need it.
I would also like to have the option of neuropreservation so that I can be revived in the far future when a techno-utopia can become a reality – a company called Alcor is already doing this. But it costs 80000 dollars. The government could subsidize that organization to make that price drop for the population.
because of the coercive laws that puts a constraint in my choice or action, that option would never be given to me.
freedom means different things to different people. And all should be validated as long as they are not harming anyone.
what is freedom to you?
I’m feeling much better today, and i’m going to make sure I take more time for myself to get all my homework done so it doesn’t pile up. I just need to focus on getting my grades up for now. I still need to plan for my future after collage, this really stresses me out, because I haven’t ever planed to have a future, but I’m getting close enough where if I don’t figure it out now I’m going to be so stuck when I graduate! So as much as I hate planning it, its my goal for the end of this semester! I’m thinking dance companies in LA??? Almost sounds exciting, maybe the future isn’t so scary?
For as long as I can remember I have had to deal with the vindictive game my mom likes to play, I’m not talking about the casual fighting, I’m talking about an actual goal to ruin my dad, my brother and my life. It’s countless years of verbal abuse even though I have tried so hard to be a good student and kid. I clean the house constantly, cook for my family, have a job and maintain a 4.0 average, I do this all to alleviate the amount of stress my mom already puts on my dad. I am now a senior in high school, which is suppose to be one of the happiest years of my life, and sadly I don’t even know how it feels like to be happy anymore. About a year ago my mom stole all the money out of my dads savings account that he saved to put my brother and I through college and she gambled it all away in a week. It’s was 150,000 dollars. She didn’t stop there, she didn’t care she just took all of our family’s money, but she blamed it on my dad claiming it was his fault for not doing what she wanted. She continued to take away money, including the money I saved up in my own bank account. We don’t have anymore money and my dad can’t divorce her because her would have to pay alimony and that’s money we don’t have because she gambled it all away.
The years of torture doesn’t stop there but it gives you a general idea of why I feel like I can’t escape. I have attempted suicide before by hanging but my brother saved me, that was a year ago. I’m a senior in high school now and I have no money for college and I am not eligible for financial aid. I don’t see a future for me, I am broken and have reached my breaking point. I really do think it’s over for me.
A little something I wrote. Feedback appreciated.
There once was a man, a traveler . His goal was to reach the other side of the world. Along the way he had to stop and wait for his second flight. It didn’t come till the next day. He saw another man in the city who had lived there for many years. But when he approached the man and asked where he was from, he just said “oh I’m just stopping by, I’m not really from here”, but he did not look like the other people from the town. Interested, the man tried to learn more about the traveler asking all sorts of questions . The odd man seemed quiet, with not many answers, but the traveler was drawn in by him for some reason. The traveler then said, “is there any way I can help you”. The odd man smiled. There was silence for what seemed like an eternity. Then the man said, “no”. Suddenly out of the blue someone walks up to the odd man and greets him like he knew him forever, someone that had lived in the town. The traveler asks, “do you live in this town?” . The odd man says, “yes, for now, unfortunately”. At this point the traveler was afraid, for this man had said he was just stopping by, but he had obviously lived there for a while. The traveler turned around and was about to call 911 to report him to a mental facility, but before he could the man was gone.
Simple question. Suppose your goal in life is to be true to yourself. You were born a good person. But cruelty and evil grew inside you as you grew up, so now you have two entirely different personalities.
What would you do? Anything good deed is hypocritical, and any bad deed is also hypocritical. Being mean just makes me feel small, but being nice makes me feel like a liar. So how do I end this hatred I feel for myself? How do I escape my own hypocrisy?
I was about to answer Sui_RC but I felt like making it a post instead because I felt that it could maybe help other people here.
Hi, from what I just read from your older post you are telling us that you feel useless. I understand that, you feel like the world would be the same without you. But I also saw that there is time where you laugh, I’m not going to tell you such a thing as ‘’live for the happy moment’’ that would be disrespectful of your wish but let me tell you something: if you can smile with others that mean you have a place, sure you are sad when alone. But you have a place In this timeline, time flow and every action have a chain effect, maybe you are thinking that time flow badly around you because of you but that’s not true, time move only forward not badly or goodly, every action even one that you think bad can detonate a chain that will create great things that you will never be aware of. Saying a word, making actions, even if they seem little, they are having a great impact around you. I feel like you shouldn’t die but instead you just lack something: a goal. I feel like you should find a goal, it can be love, fall in love, cherish this person and be important for this one. It can be a dream about anything, becoming a comedian, a teacher that will help his student. Anything. Everyone can have an impact on our timeline by staying alive and doing small things, society show us only celebrity who do great things but they became celebrity because of their experiences, because of the people around them, they became what they are thanks to people who seems like small things on our timeline but did great things without knowing they did.
I hope that everyone can find where he belong.
1. Life basically has no inherent meaning and humanity is insignificant in this gargantuan universe.
2. I hate capitalism and technology. Humanity is collectively vying for a superlative goal. This goal constitutes building Artificial Intelligence that will soon render human existence superfluous. Capitalism is a way of evolving collective “God”-consciousness
3. I hate the system and its procrustean laws. Always keeping us domesticated. Of course I can’t fight back alone. I am powerless to run the gauntlet solo. Our behaviour is closely monitored through soul crushing 9 to 5 jobs and mindless entertainment to act as a vehicle for temporary escape and not be able to remember that we’re not free.
4. The system cannot be changed because it has formidably complex mode of operating. It’s designed to make us fail.
5. Evolution wiled onto me an immutable plague right from the get go. It thus follows that I don’t have enough mental stamina to get up to speed as a part of a functioning cog in the engine that is the system. I have Social Anxiety, constatly depressed. Some have mental disabilities that render them useless. The system can dispence with these non-starter/unambitious types.
6. I hate conforming to the system. I learned that not conforming to the standards set by the system can lead one down on a dreary path. This path tappers of into suffering and hence death. So uhmm what is the fucking point?? Why not just kill my self because either choice results in death.
7. I want to see if there is an after life. If it really exists, I’ll ask the beings that inhabit this alternate universe why they decided to turn us into guinea pigs for their amusement.
Right now I’m 16 and turning 17 on March. So the plan is to me nice to as many people as I can possibly be and then kill myself. Why? because I’m afraid of being judged both religious wise and Hunan wise.
None of you now my backstory. So just recently I’ve found out my whole life as been a lie. My dad divorced my mother before I was even born, because of me. Also my whole family (excluding my mother) wanted me dead, again before I was even born. And the worst part it that they pertain to care about me.
So I was unloved even before I was even born.. Fuck me, right? After that I’ve became a moma’s boy and to much of a “goodie goodie”. And that got me bullied, from pre-K to 8th grade year. And throughout all of those years I’ve been kind and respectful to everyone I’ve ever met.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Now it’s high school and it’s gotten much worse. Freshman year I found out no girl liked me. So that made me lonely, unloved just like my childhood. And 10th grade year I felt I was a burden to friends and started cutting due to my loneliness. I’ve also had my first ever seizure and I’ve felt dead which made me cry tears of joy… Which woke me up 🙁
Now 11th grade is about to start and my goal is to not make to my birthday. The day in which I hate the most. Wish me luck.
Maybe my life could change in that time framed?
Fuck no it won’t.
Note to my family
– I want my organs to be donated to save lives and it wasn’t your fault.
Fuck, I hope this video brings you to tears like it did for me. I’m feeling pretty emotional right now because I’ve made it farther than I ever thought I would. Today begins my goal to train for a half marathon in September. Run this with me. Set some sort of goal for yourself with me. Whether it’s as simple as waking up a bit earlier or whatever comes to mind. Just challenge yourself. I’m going to kill this. Let’s kill it together.
Ever since this early year, i have this goal to inspire people and be inspired. I want to help people as many as i can, because i know how it feels like to be helpless. I want to emphatise for them, and it is also strangely a way for me to cope with my problems.
I found this website and i thought, hey this is perfect for me, i can safely tell my insecurities and what a major fucked up i am, and i can support people although they may not notice.
I want to inspire people and clearly that goal has not been reached yet, afterall im only 16. I can’t give the wisest advice to encourage people, and sometimes i can’t say whats in my head.
And it’s going to be weird for a 16 year old to say this, but i am well aware of the stories in this website for these past 3 days (i can say im new here) and most of the stories are similar to my life right now. I emphatise and feel for each of the writers.
It’s a bit embarrassing for me to say it but ever any of you guys need to talk, i’m here. I may not be much of a help but all i can offer is ears to listen.
I’ve been thinking lately about life, I have accepted that everyone dies and I shall too at one point. For me personally I have no reason to go on, I do not hate myself but I do know that I have no ultimate goal in life or any real ties to anyone that I feel are important to me enough to the point that I care how they would feel if I was to die. Basically I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice as to how to find a purpose in life that could keep me going because right now I just feel like everything I do is pointless in the end. My mum told me she would be dead if not for my step dad but I myself have no one like that. At some point something in my mind broke and I changed, I don’t feel love for anyone. If I was stoned or high in some way most of the time I would have no problem with continuing in life but that also feels rather empty. Does anyone know how I could find some kind of purpose to avoid this empty feeling I have? Thank you in advance to anyone who replies to this.
Have you become so focused on finding a way to get over depression that you have forgotten who you are? Like a hero that goes on a hard quest and becomes evil in the progression of that quest because he/she is so focused on that goal that nothing else matters to them.