I remember last year, I got a really adorable card for someone 1000 miles away that I’d probably never meet anyways…
Someone who would always let me pester then about maybe being in a relationship one day, and gently push me towards finding someone else, the whole ’emotional support’ spheal all along the way…
Someone who, for one of the first times I really felt like saying the hell with it and shooting myself, I wanted to keep talking to all the way to the end…that eventually made me feel like I couldn’t, somehow….
I still have the card, of course…they just wanted pictures of it, rather than having me mail it to them, which is acceptable if you’ve never even met someone before…looking at it reminds me how further and further those feelings become, every day, not really because much of anything I can tell that I’ve done or not done…but since everyone I ever meet is about as reliable as a raincloud, and even if you do chase them across the countryside, they always just give out and dissipate before long…
Life continues as it has, getting worse and worse with each passing day…maybe valentines day’d be a good day to kill yourself, for the really poorly lovestruck…
Just makes you ask yourself again why you’re trying, why I’m even alive still…valentines day? nah, that’s not worth trying for, not a soul in my social life that’d be worth declaring as a ‘valentine’, and looking for new people won’t make any difference either since you know…I’ve practically done that every day of the freaking year before the lousy holiday, that I could manage anyways…
I’m an idiot for staying alive. Reinforces the feeling of wishing everyone I knew would just die already, so that there wouldn’t even have to be a funeral left for me after I jump the cliff…
How much you wanna bet that you’re better off crying over a breakup or hookup, than not-crying over having nobody you could even care about if you tried? =P If I even could take that bet in any feasible way I’d happily wage my worthless life…
But yeah, ‘happy valentines day’ =P for everyone out there still buying heartfelt cards for each other. Nobody is even worth that effort from me anymore though…to do so would degrade my self esteem to an even lower level, if that’s even possible =/
15 comments
I got cards from someone from another continent, probably in 2012 or 2011…and i still have them with me. I understand a bit of what you’re saying.
I guess that the ideal of a perfect Valentine’s love will never be fulfilled but love does exist in its very own way. It sucks that we have to go through all this drama in every month of February. I hope you eventually feel a bit better to find love by chance and enjoy a happy valentine’s someday.
Pff I’d never ask for perfect anyways, learned to try n give that up long ago =P besides I’ll get enough ‘perfect’ out of my career, believe me…
Thanks though…I’d hope for better to, if i weren’t in such a desolate mood…
The thing about valentines is that since it’s one a year you could have a good one and the next year have the worst one ever. Spend too many valentines hurting over a breakup and watch yourself slowly losing all capacity to try again. Better to think of it as a commercial made up holiday (which it actually is).
That’s probably more true than it sounds…the more you negatively reinforce anything the more you’ll want to continue said negative reinforcement until you lose all will to act at all…
/everyDepressedPersonEver
Haha i felt so stupid when i read the /everyDepressedPersonEver thing as in facepalm stupid. But you are right. I was pointing more to the no one vs breakup thing, but i should have explained it a bit better (at times i write a lot worse than what i think). I remember valentines were i was alone and depressed but extended-breakup-pain adds a whole new dimension to it (even long after you’ve lost the will to act).
Ah, I didn’t mean it in a demeaning way xD
But yeah, we’re all guilty of bad communication anyways, no reason to beat yourself up over it haha ><
Hrm…my advice would be to do the same favor to others that you'd want them to do for you (I would want this, anyways:) by not acting like you own them in any form…you don't "lose" anything by someone breaking up with you, or breaking up with them, people aren't objects, they're free to do as they like, ya'kno?
Granted, I'm awful at being clingy in relationships -w- maybe that's why everyone acts like they hate me and just leaves randomly xDD either way it's really starting to feel like a waste of effort, so fuck it…xP
If you really feel that bad about a past relationship, maybe you should just opt for a temporary relationship, just to dispel that self-whatever (anxiety? hate? idk..). People say you shouldn't bring baggage into a relationship, but that's all people have sometimes, and it's not like there's anything wrong with temporary relationships anyways, they're certainly MUCH more common than permanent, or even 'long-term' relationships. Just do as you see fit for yourself, it's all that anyone else seems to do anyways…
Look at me though, trying to give 'relationship advice' e.e and you thought bad writing was sinful xDD
Yeah, everyone is free i respect that (otherwise i’d still be kicking and begging for another chance, lol) but when it happens over and over again and you are always the one left behind it leaves a scar, sadly. In the end you end up believing there’s either something wrong with yourself (pretty sure that’s my case haha) and just give up… but the weight of the failures still continues to be there, and that’s what hurts most than all.
As for temporary relationships… na, i’ve never been able to, i tried once and just realized it’s not my thing. And like you say, extra baggage is never good, and i have no intention on messing someone else’s head just to attempt to save myself.
I don’t think the clingy thing is bad tho, one of my attempts was an extremely clingy person, and needless to say, she left me, lol. I’m wondering tho… why is it bad that you give relationship advice, and how did this turn into a relationship advice thread? i think i missed that part, lol.
Idk =p probably just the valentines day theme…xD
Everyone has something wrong or something right about them anyways…It’s just a matter of finding two puzzle pieces that fit together, whilst having no idea what the picture is suppose to be in the end, or if your one piece and one connection you can make with someone will even make a difference in a 7-billion piece puzzle of everyone out there xP
Clingy is bad when people start feeling bad about not being able to give enough time to you, and end up leaving you because they feel too guilty to be in a relationship with you xD
Pffft you could try me if you like, I’m sure we have relatively equal amounts of baggage anyways xP Thats just it though, even though I’d warn you how spiky my ‘puzzle piece’ is, and what a big, ackward shaped gap there is in the middle of it, the 0.01% chance of success doesn’t really seem to bother me…and it shouldn’t really bother anyone who’s still single =P some people are just harder to fit then others I guess…
SP Valentine’s day edition, now with extra suicide (kinda fits too). And yeah, i get you about the pieces of the puzzle, what i do have a problem with is with how easy you can break a puzzle. And how some pieces have several junctions. So maybe polygamy was right after all… mmm.
I don’t know how anyone could feel guilty about that, i mean… eventually everyone is supposed to have separate lifes, at least in part (work). You could always do what my extremely clingy ex-gf did (start dating her boss, so she’s with him 24/7… and now that finally made sense to me, lol).
That one made me laugh. I’m pretty sure i win in baggage (and in age haha) and i wouldn’t mess with anyone’s mind right now, but i appreciate the virtual offer xD. If you call your puzzle piece spiky and gaped tho, i guess i’m pretty much a squared puzzle piece (several tries, edges fell off). At least a 0.01% chance is still a chance tho?… there’s still more impossible things (like winning the lottery or being hit by a malfunctioning UFO) so… i’d say your chances look good! 😀
Nah, I’ve only had this username on here =P
I’m not looking for partners really x) but the whole “don’t feel entitled just because I exist still” parameter kind of screws up relationships of any type half the time (you know, the ‘don’t kill yourself just because I’ll lose you!’ kind of people).
I don’t know why I’m staying alive honestly =/ just hope, I guess, as deceiving a emotion/concept as that is…
One can feel many things…but believing in them is quite a different story =p
Sigh…I try not to think about it, but of course it is thrown in one’s face wherever one goes so it is somewhat inescapable. Yes retail industry, remind me over and over how goddamn lonely and lovelorn I feel. That helps. A lot. 🙁
I heard you paraphrase “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. I suppose in general terms that is true – but when it comes down to it for me and the one time I went “all in” heart, body and spirit I feel like I’d be better off not having the gaping wounds that never heal to remind me. Her birthday was right before Valentine’s day and I will crash and burn every year at the same time. It was brutal, complicated and now she isn’t on this Earth anymore so there is unfinished business I’ll take to my grave. Those precious memories that comprised the best time of my life and that should have erased the decades of untenable misery before and after are what I will spend my remaining days desperately trying to forget. Damn, me and my upbeat comments… sorry.
Valentine’s indeed.
I hear and feel that. There is a reason people drink to forget. I guess the grass always looks greener? Those of us that have been hurt want to go back to ignorance. And those that have yet to experience that would rather that fate.
hey nozmoking- i just read your comment… so sad, you just described my worst nightmare… i too have someone i went “all in” for, its been 10 years of off again, on again- i think we’re not compatible or we’re too fucked up for each other, like we need a normal partner to balance us out- regardless, he is the love of my life… that just dumped me AGAIN, but the part that kills me is how reckless he is and i always have this gut instinct that he’ll go before me and i’ll be left alone forever- i don’t think i would stay here for long without him. although we aren’t together now, there is still hope we will find each other again but … in your situation… how do you do it? how do you keep going?
hope i didn’t ‘twist the blade’–
xoxoxo