I’m starting to think that is not fair that I have to live with all this pain and anxiety just because of not hurting my mum and sister by killing myself.
So now I’m really afraid.
I study, or used to, Psichology. I rationally understand what’s going on with me. I know that it must eventually pass. That’s what I keep telling myself. But it just doesn’t feel like it will actually get better.
Some days ago, one of my sister’s friend lost her father by suicide. My sister begged me to never do the same.
When my mums boyfriend commited suicide a year ago, his own son came to tell me to never do it. And I was not half as screwed as I’m now.
So, if everyone see me as suicidal even if I never talked about it, why shouldn’t I end it all? My life is a big failure anyway.
The good thing is that I’m still looking for reasons to live.
PS: Thank you for your kind comments in my past post. Just wanted to tell you that I finally came out to one of my friends, by casually saying something in the middle of something else. Glad I did it, but it didn’t feel ok. I think I needed a talk about it, not just her to know.
1 comment
You don’t have to live with the pain and anxiety. You can find ways to lessen them, and eventually solve it and get rid of them.
It won’t just pass, if it’s something severe. You need to work on what’s bugging you, and if you can’t by your own, you could look for support.
I’m sure you’ll find reasons to live sooner or later.
Oh, and about your PS:
Just casually admitting it might not be enough at first, but it’s a good start.
Now that you did it, you can do it again next time and then follow with a little talk (or with a larger explanation if you rather).
Whatever you feel like, i’m sure she’ll understand.