I find myself telling myself I should. Tearing myself down over and over trying to find a way to. And I wish I could sob. I wish I could vomit blood until I pass out. I wish and I don’t do anything other than tell myself that the wishing itself is supposed to be important. I try to find what I once had to live for and find myself settling for attempting to recall a time I didn’t think I was going to kill myself and I can’t even do that without saying that the desire to be dead is what I irrevocably have. What […]
I know that this is probably a stupid thing to ask but can anybody give me any tips and tricks on sleeping? My mom doesn’t want me to get sleeping pills because she thinks that I’ll get addicted to them even though I’ve never had a previous drug addiction, but anyways.. she keeps telling me to search up natural remedies but none of them are working. I go to bed at either 1 or 2 in the morning everyday which lets me get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep on weekdays so if you couldn’t already tell, that’s a big issue.. especially when I’m […]
I am sick of this garbage.
I am sick of myself.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE EXPECT OUT OF ME.
Killing myself is too fucking easy.
I swear sometimes I feel like there has to be some old fuck in the sky getting off to this shit, because it’s getting too ridiculous for coincidences.
FUCK, I should have gotten that cancer not my Dad, it isn’t fair. Why does he have to suffer, why does one of the only reasonable person I actually care about in my family gets cancer.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO FUCKING DIE FOR YEARS. What if he dies, do you think I’m going to kill myself […]
Don’t you just love it when you’re family, who you’re not with most the day, tell you that “you’re so fat! how much can you eat?! Just stop eating the entire house!” when you’re just making a egg sandwich and its the first thing you’ve eaten for 1 and half days. Now they’re telling me I’m wasteful for leaving a boiled egg in the fridge. why don’t I just don’t eat ever again. why don’t I just not eat anything so I’m never wasteful. How about I just die so I’m wasting any of your time, not wasting space in your house, not doing anything […]
I don’t know why I keep trusting people. I just feel like people don’t care. I told a ‘friend’ of mine what was going on with me and he was going through the same thing and I thought that this time its gonna be different. I didn’t even feel awkward or angry about people invading my private and emotional side. I really don’t know why I expected something different this time. No one really cares and I think he’s just like the rest of the people. Just hangs around you when he wants and leaves you hanging when you thought you were friends.
I was smart […]
I’m sat here again staring at the ceiling with tears down my cheeks which have imbedded themselves into my pillow. Why am I the one who over attached to everything. My bffs have kindly told me they couldn’t care less if I killed myself apparently it’s like I’m invisible anyway. I don’t understand what I did wrong? I try my hardest in school, I try my hardest to be accepted for the real me and I try my hardest to be good enough but how ever hard I try it just gets thrown back in my face. I’m used to being a no one now. […]
I’m sorry to say that I’m here again, not that you people are bad people, but I only come here when things are getting overwhelming. I’ve been cutting again, a precursor to other self destructive behaviour; and this time it’s the nightmares. I’ve been trying to stop drinking, and it’s only causing me to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, or swinging. More so than usual, but usual had been passing out so drunk that I’m paralysed. I’m getting so tired of the new and inventive horrors my mind keeps in store to greet me in sleepy land. I just wish that […]
I still can’t believe what I am doing. Looking for help in the Internet? In the past I’d probably just laugh at such a stupid idea. Instead, I’m here telling you how hopeless my life has become and how hard I’d just like to have a forever rest from everything. I wish I could not live. Who asked me if I wanted to live? I was just born. That’s not fair. Well, anyway, I just want to say hi to everyone. I’ve read many of your posts as I’ve been considering this step for a long time and finally I’m here. I’m impressed by your […]
I started a new job today, my first full-time job in six months. I wish I could give it a chance, but my mind won’t let me. So many times today I asked myself why I dragged myself back into this grind when three months ago I was so ready to just say fuck it and end it all. I feel like now I’ve just taken on more expectations and added a whole new set of people I’m probably going to let down the next time I have a really bad couple of weeks. Part of me clearly doesn’t want to give up, but the […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
So today I was online talking with people and everyone is having a nice conversation and then there is this one person that comes in. He/she all of a sudden are doing a role-play thing about committing suicide. He/she was writing about grabbing a knife and all. And here’s the thing that bothers me the most, he/she is not one bit suicidal (I asked one of his/her friends to see of he/she really was) Um… excuse me!? What the fuck is wrong with you!? There are people who are really suicidal and he/she is over here using it as entertainment. He/she is probably even using […]
The past few weeks have been Hell, to say the least.
Since my ex boyfriend broke up with me he has been keeping me around, telling me he loves me even though he’s with this other girl. I refused to tell him I loved him, I still love him. Fuck I still love him. He tells her everything he ever told me… I find it kinda funny within a few days he was already with her too. Probably cheated on me. She’s so much prettier than I am too, probably gave him more than I could have. Yet he insists on saying he still loves me. […]
Why can’t I be left alone why I cant be just left alone . I am once again being tortured by every one my mother my father my in laws im tired… Im telling my self not to cry … Every wants to control my life …..my husband dosent want to go home because of my parents …I just cant be left alone cant tell them I wanna go to utah becuse there gonna flip why why why . cant cry stop it . I dont know what to doo so lost ….cant even get a chance to fix my life …..Im not a big […]
Hello again. I’m glad that there were so many welcoming comments. I think I will start to post daily now, just to feel better. You know what I find funny? How open you can be with strangers. Often I throw out random hypothetical scenarios to people to see what they would say. “If there was a five grenades on the table and only one was live, what would it take to make you pull a single pin?” Often I would get answers like all the money in the world or all the knowledge in the world. When they would ask me I would say maybe […]
I know that my friends have other friends.
I know that I might be too busy sometimes or that I don’t always have a ride.
I know that I can be annoying, selfish, violent, moody, but I just want you to understand.
Understand that whenever I make a mistake, I think about what you would have done. That when people meet me, I think about how much better things would go if I were you. That even though I may seem fine, I just want to die.
I know that I’m awkward and don’t have as many friends as you. But it doesn’t help when you brag about what someone […]
Being alone is fine, most of the time. When you’re focused on something else. But then you get tired, and can’t focus. And you can’t get to sleep. Because you can’t find peace. Because you realize that your life is lacking anything worthwhile. That there’s nothing you can do, to feel part of a group. Because your whole way of thinking is based on being alone. And you can’t give that up. Because that would mean opening yourself to rejection. And there’s so much about you that should be rejected.
So you’re trapped. Telling yourself to do whatever it takes to break through and make some kind of connection. […]
Ok, for those of you who have been wondering, I was able to piece together the following timeline regarding sportsnut. If any of you know more than what I’ve found here, please share, so we can stop wondering/worrying.
On Easter Sunday, he sent email and text to some of us saying that he was thinking of ending it. The one he sent me arrived at about 5:30 eastern time. I didn’t end up logging in that day until about three hours later, so I didn’t get to respond when it was still new. I responded when I saw it, but he never answered.
Also on Easter, he […]
I should be redesigning my website so i can get an entry level job in the field. I should be redesignimg and adding to the couple of clients’ site I’ve had. Im procrastinating out of fear. Well that and food anxiety im juice fasting today save for the banana i had while writing this post. I dont want to screw it up. Stupid i know logically something is better than nothing. I have a voice that tells me I can’t do it. Sometimes i can ignore that voice other times i can’t. There’s another voice telling me that I should kill myself. Honestly the only […]
I kept telling myself I would do it.
First I smoked some bud. Then I grabbed my backpack, drove to a parking lot along the river.
I crossed the railroad tracks, and tied the backpack straps around my waist as I made my way to the water.
I was still wearing nice shoes, but I figured it wouldn’t make any difference, so I waded in the water.
I had every intention of doing this. I stood there, having blocked any thought of turning around. I took another step forward, feeling my leg sink into the soot deeper than I thought. My heart raced.
I was able […]
… Well not really; it’s only a 2 hour drive, but still. My roommate and his girlfriend picked me up to head back to school after a weekend at home by myself with no ride. Now we’re 3/4 and we smoked a little bit, and we’ve been telling funny stories and laughing the whole way there. A minute ago 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins came on my iPhone. Now it’s Holiday by Weezer. Things are about to get terrible for me, but right now, in this moment, life is pretty damn good.