Making the hard choice but most like me won’t.

For starters, this is not one of those “talk me out of it” cries for help. This is a decision almost a year in the making. I do not suffer from depression, I have not made this decision lightly and I have done so sober and only during daylight to avoid any emotional bias.

I did my dry run this past weekend, my equipment is all setup and I felt 0 panic so this is happening.

Now for why: I am a pedophile. I am not however a child molester. The man that made me when I was 11, over two decades ago was however. I wonder how many other lives he destroyed and how many he could have spared if help was a viable option for him. I wonder what kind of life I might have had as well if help was a viable option.

For decades, I blamed him and only him. Then, as the struggle that started around 15 became ever so much more difficult, I realized. He didn’t have many options for help, just like myself. Was he born this way, was he created like I was? No matter how he came to be what he is, this sad realization must have hit him as well. We are all alone. I mean we as in pedophiles.

Now, by this point the same ignorance I have come to expect from people has overcome most that will read this. The funny thing about those people, they make going from a simple pedophile, someone who merely has sexual fantasies towards pre pubescent people to child molester, easy. How so? In almost 20 years of dealing with these urges I noticed something, there is almost no actual help for people like me and what little there is comes in the form of being treated like a criminal. What’s worse, treated like a child molester even though we don’t like being what we are and most want nothing more than to just be normal.

Now comes the hard part for the average person, most pedophiles either cannot get the help they need or the help they can get comes with the step price of being treated like a monster, whether or not they touched a child. This leads to the urges going un treated and from personal experience, that shit wears on you and wears you down. Ultimately, most child molesters are the result of “normal” people making them too afraid to get help so they don’t and yet when the worst happens, you act like you had no part in it. Ignorance is bliss.

In order to avoid the ignorance of people who ever so increasingly caused me more and more stress and to limit my interactions with non adults, I chose a career that was isolated and but what I wanted to be doing. I became a truck driver. I sacrificed my life long desire to be a design engineer to avoid ignorant people because I got sick of being around people and having to hear “pedophiles should all die” ever month when something pooped up on the news. All because “normal” people are too ignorant to know the difference between a pedophile who hates what they are and a child molester.

I took a risk last year and told my own family and even made the distinction between me and a child molester, I now have no father, brothers, sister or mother. I also have no friends poor significant other. I am alone and woke I thought I could use the strength people always said they saw in me to carry on. You people make it impossible.

I leave you with this final thought. Of you hate child molesters so much, why are you so he’ll bent on seeing pedophiles don’t get the help they need and not feeling like it’s safe for them to even get help? The next time you see a kidnapped, raped and murdered child on the news, stand up and with the same pride you persecute a pedophile with, child molester or not, yell to the world “I made that possible!” Because it is your fault, not entirely but you have a claim on almost every child molesters victim.

And since I cannot do this alone anymore but have no choice, I am going to do what most humans, pedophiles or child molesters won’t be able to do. I am going to make sure I never hurt anyone. Don’t be happy that I am making sure I never hurt a child, be afraid that there are thousands of pedophiles in need of help that either cannot get it or are to afraid to ask for it because you “monsters” cannot make the distinction between someone who doesn’t like what they are and someone who embraces it. Though man most pedophiles will never become child molesters, some will and you helped make that possible.