If you’ve ever seen any of my previous posts on my chronic mental and emotional afflictions, then you must know this: that I am in pain; and, for most people- if not all- pain is something people hate. They most often turn to addiction or something essentially the same to hide or suppress their issue, whatever it may be.
I myself have had addiction issues before, and still struggle with an addiction to Pornography. That, and my depression and all around loneliness will be the topics I so boringly lay out before you all in this post today.
Since a very young age, I have been obsessed with finding a girl to love. I saw girls and women; bodies and minds, but did not know what they meant, or even what they were. Then, as I found porn, I discovered how beautiful they were; albeit from the most perverse and rotten possible method, I had indeed found beauty and loveliness incarnate.
For years and years; for whole seasons of my life, I learned the ways of people: how to smile and interpret faces; how to laugh for real, and a polite, tidy guffaw. But in the midst of all of these things, not once had I found love; nor, to an ever growing and ever expanding sense of dread and, indeed, sadness within me, had I found a companion.
In the Garden of Eden, where Adam, the first Man, Made by God Himself lived, he named the beasts and walked the earth; ate the fruit given to him, and breathed the air in content, forgoing one thing what he lacked: a companion. God saw that it was not right for Adam to be alone, and so, from Adam he made Eve; from Man, Woman; from first, second. To this effect, he gave Adam what he so desperately needed to live, and have joy in living.
I am worse than Adam: I am stuck with his Sin, and yet am alone; for in the depths of my heart lies only respect and love and artistic interest in girls and women, but I am restricted and by my own hand only reduced to viewing the abuse of beauty and the whoring of “love”, instead of finding its true form. I hate Porn. I HATE IT. It is total shit and has no place in the world.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I love the idea of sex- yep, I’m an adult virgin/the whole marriage thing in my other post was to hide my shame of never having had a family-, and I appreciate wholly nude art and the understanding of sexuality and the likeness, but Porn is none of those things: it is evil, it is vile; its tongue holds the interest and intent of lust alone, not love or caring or compromise. Its heart is of rape and violence; and beyond its outer coat of rightful desire, there lies alone, the craving of a madman and the marked depression of the lonely who roam the night.
I don’t even want someone to have sex with- not yet. All I want; all I have been dreaming of, is a girl to hold, and hold me back; a soft, warm being to be beside me; to speak to me, and kiss my nose. I want someone to watch movies with at the 11:00 pm showing, when usually I am all alone, sitting all cold and lonesome in the top section. I want another hand to squeeze and make myself calm by. I know what I want can never happen, and I am fully aware of how stupid it is for me to look after this foolish concept; I just wish it could be. A thousand stars to all of the wonderful, intelligent, curious women I know, who’ll never love me, let alone understand or have an interest in me.
I am the kind of man who is always in the friendzone; and, mostly, that is what I want. Women are my friend, and neither of us ever try anything. But, as time goes on, I find myself wishing there would come one who’d prove me a man.