I’ve been bipolar since forever, but the last six months have been getting progressively worse regarding suicidal thoughts. It is literally all I think about. My problem is my kids – they are 9 and 12, and I can’t put them through the trauma I would cause. They are the only thing that makes me happy, but at the same time, I resent them because they are the only thing keeping me here. My therapist thinks I’m actually thankful for them, but I know better 😉
I wrote a poem about my kids and my situation. I’m no poet, but maybe it will resonate with someone:
Cursed to walk this world
By blessings I adore
How to say I’m sorry to loving eyes?
No apology could erase
Pain inflicted for my peace
The ties that bind keep me free
Free from what I seek
Free from peace
Free from end
The ties that bind, bind me
To this world
Pain unsought, relief un-thought
Those I love the most keep me
From doing what I most want
2 comments
I hate saying the same things over and over. Makes me sound like a tape recorder. Yes, I’m old.
But, your instincts are right. Your kids do need you. I understand the pain and the need to end it. Believe me, I really do. I’ve been on the brink for weeks now. Many endless weeks of unending pain and anguish.
Being both thankful and resentful is understandable in your situation. You have a lot of pain to endure, but you must for the sake of your kids. God knows how much I wish I still had contact with my ex-fiancée’s kids. Both for their sake and mine.
Because I know if I was still a parent to them, even one of the three, it would give me a reason to live.
You have yours. Use it to survive another day.
Thank you for the kind words. I’m “old” for this site too at 46 😉
I’m sorry for your pain, and I’m sorry I understand it. It is quite a load to bear every day. If you’re on here looking for support, then you have mine. There is always something to live for, you just can’t always see it all the time. Maybe it hasn’t come yet, but is counting on you being there when it does.
Peace.