You thought things couldn’t get worse?
…then today happened…
and the wheel turns, another spin, go around the corner, it begins again
Hi. I’m back. The day was the same like any other day. I feel hopeless and I still made bad decisions. I made everyone around me mad. haha. I never change, do I. I always make things worse. I want to die. Last night I confessed to a friend about what’s happening to me. Know what he said? he said everyone experienced what I’ve been experiencing now. He said I shouldn’t let everything affect me. That I should just be positive cause I’m not the only one who’s suffering in this world. I shouldn’t be selfish he said. haha. They are all the same. Always saying the same thing. Not a single one understood me. They all think I’m just being a weakling. I guess I really am weak. I’m a fucking weak human. But what should I do? I’m crying right now. I always tried to be positive and make everything good but the more I tried to be positive, the more it brings me down. I feel like, everything is keeping me from getting happy. Why? why? do I deserve this? I want to be saved but I guess I’m not meant to be happy huh
Perhaps I’ve been suicidal since I was seven years old, which was ten years ago. I guess the bullying of my friends and peers were the start of it. I saw everyone having at least four friends as I played by myself, I was never the one that anyone thought was fun or cool. I was the freak with the buck teeth.
I was also diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at that time. I often was in my imagination, being friends with imaginary friends until I was fourteen.
There was only one friend that I knew, and she went to a different school, but each summer, we would meet at a day care and have ideas about making movies and a television.
Over time however she left. As well as many other best friends who did as well. I felt so alone. What made things worse was my mother. She didn’t understand me at all. She would leave me when I’m crying, and stay in a hotel just to stay away from me.
I felt like a broken tool, a broken toy that was too expired to be repaired.
I have a boyfriend who loves me deeply, but I expect him to leave me too.
I honestly don’t expect this stupid stories to have any comments, or even read at all.
I’ve been kicked out of so many groups like this… Give me a reason to feel just a tad better by not blocking me.
Every 6 months I have a breakdown. Too much stress to handle. I have been six months free, but now something triggered me to cut.
I have a strong feeling my dad is cheating on my mom, and she feels the same way, even tho she doesnt tell me
My dad can’t even take his eyes off other women to talk to me. He is the reason why I am scared of weddings, and the reason why I can’t trust any guy I know.
I am feeling like the stress has been piling up for many months and the fact that my dad is an asshole just made things worse. I need to relax, but my brain is so fucked up that the only type of relaxation I know is cutting my skin
I guess I should start from the beginning. I am 17 almost 18 and have a brother who is 16 and a sister who is 20. My life sucks is complicated and somewhat confusing at times.
I was adopted when I was 4 by a family who we were all happy to be part of. I was adopted because my parents did drugs and were nearly always unconscious. We were malnourished and my sister was looking after us. So I guess the positive was we got a new family and well that’s where things were supposed to get better but in fact things somehow got worse.
My brother started to get in trouble at school and got expelled at the age of 6. He continued to struggle at school and by the age of 11 had been expelled from 3 schools! During this time I was at high school and always seemed like a lovely, bright, bubbly kid. But I hid a secret from my friends, I was struggling. When I was at home my brother often kicked off and would beat me up. Meanwhile when things got rough my mum turned to me to sort things out to comfort her and calm down my brother. Then if things could get any worse they could. My sister got into the wrong crowd at school and started smoking and drinking at the age of just 12! She had always been a troubled child but never showed it. She gave up in school and failed her GCSE’s, and on top of that she became violent and aggressive at home. She also started getting in trouble with the police for Arson and shoplifting. My mum and dad then devoted their time to getting my brother into a new school and trying to get my sister support.
In all of this I kept quite I didn’t tell anyone how much I hated going home, what actually went on. How I felt when my mum leaned on me. Soon things got worse my sister continued to be violent and left home at the age of only 15! Little did we know that she was struggling to deal with things that happened to us before we got adopted and she had developed depression. So mum and dad once again turned to getting help for my sister.
It was about this time that I started to really struggle with the situation at home, but I still didn’t say anything cause my mum and dad were dealing with everything else but soon I felt left out as if I didn’t exist. Some days my mum forgot I was even at home until I asked what was for tea. At this time I was in high school and little did my parents know that everyday I was bullied, or referred to as the yr7 who got expelled sister. I often went to my parents for help only to be welcomed with ‘ not now’ or ‘bit busy atm’ or ‘ I am not strong enough. After my sister left things got worse. My brother was diagnosed with executive functioning disorder which meant he struggled with handling frustration, starting and finishing tasks, recall/ follow simple directions, plan/ organise or self monitor.
Then something none of us saw coming happened, my brother ended up in hospital for beating himself up and attempting to strangle himself. He had to be held down by 8 paramedics an image I have never got out of my head. This happened 2 times. Both times I went to school the next day because I couldn’t handle my mum turning to me and using me as her leaning stick or take her anger out on me just like my brother and my sister had. After my sister left school the rules at home became worse, weeks/ months of pocket money taken away, no tv, computer etc. We lived in the middle of nowhere so it became hard to actually go anywhere. Music however was my best friend it comforted me when I was struggling but then my mum started taking it off me and I hit the roof. When me and my brother kicked off my mum would lock us out of the house for up to 5 hours once for 7.
My grades at school started to slip as I couldn’t concentrate at home, due to my brother always kicking off and then turning on me and I would have to deal with him and then go and comfort my mum. I barely ever got to go to see friends as my mum would take her frustration out on me which I would react to and then get punished. So I started to stay after school so I could focus on my work and funnily enough my grades got better. But home continued to get worse I could no longer pretend that I was okay or that I was happy. So my anger at home got worse and mum started calling the police on me. The first time cause I pushed a bowl of cereal off the kitchen table, second cause I trashed my room, third cause I accidentally kicked my mum and the 4th time cause I threw a waste paper basket. She then started using the police as a threat whenever I was annoyed or when I left the garden.
Then in my last year at high school my sister took an overdose and went into hospital for 4 days as she took 30 tablets. It nearly killed me seeing her there she was like a mum to me. She said she was gonna walk out and didn’t care if she bleed to death. I have never managed to get this image out of my head. I went to school the next day as I was doing my GCSE’s. Things at home just got worse and worse and I finally started to express how I felt but my mum said I didn’t feel like that and it wasn’t true and when I cried she told me to stop self pitying.
Then the summer I finished high school my mum started to take my bedroom door of me as punishment for slamming my door. I had lost my privacy as well as basically being prisoner in my home and being treated as n a 10 yr old. My mum always had to be right though we were all wrong and she was always right just because she was a grown up.
I had developed depression as well by this time and started self harming as a way to release the pain. And eventually by the end f that summer at the age of 16 I had had enough and ended up taking an overdose. Saddest part my mum didn’t believe I had taken it that I was just an attention seeker. I didn’t go to hospital the doctor advised I ate something which in the end I did. Mum still didn’t believed I had done it which made me mad.
In September 2014 I went to a boarding school, I loved it but felt out of place everyone was so much more grow up than me as my parents had basically stopped me from growing up. I started at Wymondham as a happy girl but soon could be who I was not pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I found focusing on studying hard when home was falling apart. Soon I ended up being sent to my aunties in Portsmouth cause my mum and dad couldn’t handle me. I got social workers involved but it made the situation worse mum had a go at me every weekend an asked me to apologise which I wasn’t going to.
I struggled with boys as well at school they used my vulnerability to their advantage. I finally left school in easter and moved into a flat which I enjoyed and a boy I had, had a crush on for 7 months asked me out. So things were looking up my relationship with my mum improved, however the past I hadn’t sorted out so I couldn’t put it behind me. Then 4 weeks ago I got dumped, we had slept together 2 times and he said he loved me and I loved him and cared for him, he was also my best friend and all of a sudden I had lost everything again. Home was still to stressful to go to so I stayed at the flat but became lonely and hurt, confused, misunderstood, used so much that I just didn’t want to live anymore so I took an overdose and had paramedics and police looking after me and then went home. But a week later I still didn’t want to live so ended up in hospital after taking an overdose from there I went into foster care and am now a looked after child. My parents want no contact with me, I am miles away from my brother and sister. My sister doesn’t want to talk to me. Its my brothers bday tomorrow and I wont be able to be there.
I have lost everyone and everything I cared for. I cant do it anymore I have tried to keep going but now I have no purpose. No job, no family, nothing.
I am going to my prom next week but then I am done
I am going to leave this world
I must never forget what I’m designed for at all times. Even though it will be very painful, I must never believe that I could ever form a significant bond with any of them. At every layer of my personality there is something there that they will disagree with or worse, despise. I may resort to omitting details or lies, but this will compound my suffering.
Like for real though, do you even want me to be happy? It sure doesn’t seem like it. All you are doing is making me worse. I hope you’re happy, you have made me miserable. It seems like nobody cares about anybody anymore, am I the only one that has noticed this? Nobody is nice anymore, someone can be really hurt, and some would notice it, and what would they do… nothing. I hate my life, and I really don’t even care about anything or anybody too much anymore.
This is just another one of my useless,and stupid posts.
Hi. So, I’m just posting not because I have anything important to say, I never really do, but just because I wanted to post, and for me, as well as like every other day of the weak and of my life, Monday’s are shit, too. You happy, sane people don’t relate to me on this and couldn’t care less what I have to say, and I don’t know why I’m here sometimes I just, like writing. So today sucked. Spoiler alert, it was another shitty day, none of my days seem to be any better than the rest, usually only worse. But some days I feel not so alone, today is not one of those days. Just something about it, everyone seems a lot happier than I was today, and I’m probably a piece of shit for this, but when I’m being my little depressive, mental self, seeing or hearing happy people will make me jealous. Sometimes upset. And I know that sounds hateful and I in no way hate happiness or hate when others are happy, but sometimes seeing others with something I don’t have but crave makes me sad and feel more depressed, so props to the depressive 15 year old girl that says useless shit everyday because I’m an idiot. I may just delete this but I just needed the quick minute to be annoyed and depressed and say how I’m feeling because I’m a cancer (zodiac) and I wish I could say fuck feelings, but feelings are just a part of me, sadly. But yeah I kinda just wanna listen to indie music and kill myself right now bu t whatever, I hope you have a lovely day or night or whatever it is for you. Stay beautiful, love from Hailee.
My psychiatrist wanted to up my medication. I refused. So, instead of letting it go, my psychiatrist is giving me some time to think about it. I haven’t been taking it still, but my Mum’s getting my prescription tomorrow and making me restart it again.
I have just under 2 months to decided whether I want to up the dosage or not. Honestly, I can feel myself getting worse each day. My depression is getting bad again, and all I want to do is just give up.
The voices are getting too much, and I can’t tell anyone. There’s no point telling my family because they can’t help and just tell me to “ignore them because they’re not real and everything they tell me are lies”. Which makes the situation 10x worse because then I start trusting them less. My psychiatrist and therapist both tell me to distract myself and ignore them because they’re thoughts. So, literally nothing and no one helps me when I ask for it.
I’m also going to see my biological father’s family in July in London (I’m not seeing my father, though. I despise him), so I’m terrified of what will happen with the voices for that week.
I should probably mention my Nan works at some sort of therapy/psychiatry place, but hates everything about psychiatry. She told my mum on multiple occasions that she needs to ‘get me out of therapy before I’m 18 so it doesn’t go on my permanent medical record’ or something.
Basically, everyone on my father’s side of the family hate any sort of therapy and are embarrassed I’m in it. They think I exaggerate my symptoms – which is ridiculous because I tell them minimal details. My father also called me a ‘nutter’ several times, and said he and my brother are better off without me. Great.
So, to make the week even more stressful, I need to pretend I’m absolutely fantastic with no mental health problems. Also, Bree will want to come. So I’m not looking forward to the conversation where I have to tell her she can’t – Jeremy will understand, though.
On an even more anxiety-increasing note, two of my college deadlines are next week. Tuesday and Wednesday. Barely half of the work is completed for either project, so I think it’s safe to say I will fail this year and then be dropped from next year. Fun.
Hello. It has been sometime. I’ve been busy. I’ve actually felt not terrible. Not good, but not terrible. Yesterday I went to a beach clean up. A lot of people were there. Made me realize how difficult it is for me to be around other people. I hardly spoke, and could never look anyone in the eye. It’s pretty difficult. Lots of girls there. It was the beach so they wore skimpy tops and short shorts. Didn’t know what to do. Tried to stay as far as possible. When I was alone, it actually felt nice. Alone with my thoughts. It is actually starting to come back. It always comes in waves. One day I feel ok, the next not so ok. One week I feel ok, the next week not so ok. I’m just not fit to be around other people. It makes it worse. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.
what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that my ability to feign the ability to function as a human ought to has an expiration date (something similar happened last spring as well). I should be doing so much better than this but instead I just continue to let myself get worse.
in other news, my therapist thinks I should look into medication this fall. I’m ambivalent. everything I’ve seen here seems to point toward medication being useless at best, and doing more harm than good at worst, but then I guess that the people whose medication worked wouldn’t be on a suicide forum. if anyone’s still reading to this point, could you let me know if this might be a good idea? also, should I tell her that I’m suicidal? originally I was a definite no on that but now that she’s told my mother I’m depressed and cutting, I’m not sure how much more damage could be done. I know it’s so weak, but it’s so goddamn hard to have to drag myself through every tiny thing that should be easy, and then have people wonder why I don’t try and am so useless. the weak, ugly, childish part of me wants to be coddled somehow. but then maybe she wouldn’t and would just be disappointed in me for it, since disappointment is the only reaction I can elicit from anyone anymore. (again, if anyone is reading, can you advise as to whether I should tell her? I would appreciate any advice.)
I’m sorry about how whiny this is.
I’m reaching out for help. But I can’t find any. Cutting gets worse than ever before. And this feeling of hopelessness and grief as well, my anger is out of control but my parents in contrast desperately to control every single thing in my life. I’m getting crazy here. I need to change my damn surrounding, buy there is no way I could…
It’s been a little over two years now since she left, I know I should be happy that she isn’t in pain anymore but when I think of her and everything we had I can’t help but cry.
Its been two years since my whole world was ruined by the girl who I had known for so many years, my best friend, my rock. I could have helped her, I could have answered her phone call but I just didn’t, I didn’t pick up the phone when I should have.
I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up, im so sorry I wasn’t able to help, oh why, why couldn’t I have helped, oh why.
Two years now, two years of crying at night, two years of blaming myself for everything, two years of being angry at everyone, more importantly at yourself.
When I lost her I lost everything, I lost my reason to be happy, I don’t talk to people about her, because when I do, I miss her more. I suddenly get a pain in my chest and the sudden urge to hurt.
I want her back, but I can’t, she’s dead you can’t bring the dead back to life, but you can send the living to the dead. Let them go. Take their last breath, I’m going to be with her soon, I just need to find the courage to finish myself. I already prepared everything, cleaned my room, put everything in order.
I can’t wait to be with her again, I can’t wait to stop hurting, I can’t wait until I won’t be able to hear anyone, I can’t wait to finally be happy.
Now that she’s gone, it seems like everything is getting worse, I miss her, and in gonna be with her soon.
Another song I wrote a while back and decided to record (poorly). Basically a suicide note, a very mild one, in song form.
I don’t wanna bother you anymore
Because I know how much that hurts
I don’t wanna be there at your door
Making your life so much worse
But I can’t help that I exist
So I’ll move along this process
And I’m not the sappy type
So I’ll keep this letter short
It’s the last that I will write
But don’t think it’s your fault
I’ve got a better place to be
And you’ve got better people to see
I’m sorry it took so long
I’ve been meaning to right this wrong
I’m so sorry for the wait
But they say it’s never too late
I’m moving on
And I, I, I’m
Just afraid of the other side
They say it’s greener
But I imagine it’s black and whi-i-ite
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on
I don’t wanna be your albatross
Another burden on your back
I’d rather be a sudden loss
‘Cause you’ll realize there’s no lack
I know it’s still inopportune
But you’ll see the benefits real soon
My mum found out about my relapse today, and has been demanding since this afternoon for me to tell her why I did it. No matter how many times I told her talking about it with her makes me uncomfortable and I literally can’t tell her, she’s still insistent I do.
So I’ve wrote it out in bullet points for her in the morning – and just for the heck of it I referred to myself in third person. It’s not really helpful, but it’s all she’s getting. I had to come home early from college today. I told my mum I probably would because I said this morning I was ill – due to the circumstances with my Nan, she didn’t complain.
It wasn’t because I was ill, I just can’t concentrate long enough to form a sentence to write down when I’m in college. It’s like the voices want me to fail and so deliberately make themselves worse. Or it could just be my imagination making me think it’s worse, when it’s really the same. I don’t know.
Bree has been constant today, again. It’s getting ridiculous now. No one is asking about her, when she’s clearly rude all day about quite a lot of my classmates. They’re all so ignorant – so is my family. She’s always at my house and does anyone speak to her? No. She says my mum or stepdad let her in, but after that they don’t talk to her. Great.
Speaking of family, everyone keeps bringing up the news from yesterday about my Nan which isn’t fun considering it’s entirely my fault and no one knows. I feel guilty enough as it is without everyone trying to comfort me when I get upset over it.
i’ve been having a very difficult time lately. i have a lot of health issues both mental and physical and they’re finally catching up to me. it’s been very difficult holding on, but even more so now than before because my family is now explicitly honest about how they feel about my condition.
my health issues have gotten to the point where i can’t work. i can’t function on my own anymore. i am a burden. i’ve been in the gray area of suicide since the age of nine and i’ve only been open about it in the last two years. it’s gotten worse. everything has gotten worse and i just want it to end. i don’t know what to do anymore. i just want to stop
My dad got the results back from the doctors today for the weird lump on his neck. We thought it was just a swollen gland but apparently its a cancerous tumor.
What is this.
How is this happening. Its not fair, he works so hard for the family its not fair.
why does this happen, why can’t things be ok for once
why are things getting worse? why does my family have to suffer?
So I’ve lost hope now. Years and years of therapy, waiting a shit load of money – sorry mum. I just feel like nothing is helping. I’m still cutting and going deeper and worse, I’m still suicidal and getting closer to death and my mind is going darker and darker, losing its contrast. I’m slowly giving up and all it’s doing is hurting my family.
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