I feel worthless

Hello Marcello…..my VERY young friend. I made my 1st attempt when I was only a year older than you (I am now 60 yrs old). I took an entire bottle of my dad’s heart pills while alone in the house for an entire weekend. I passed out and awoke several hours later, having vomited the contents of the bottle back up. The human body has an in born reflex to resist things that attempt to cut off life…pills, hanging.

Although I was a perpetual misfit growing up, enduring extreme bullying which led to my first attempt, I managed to have a fairly successful life. I worked in retail management for a major US department store, spent 15 years in the travel industry (agencies, airlines, hotels)…..met royalty, celebs and major politicians. But through it all, I have always been desperately lonely. I had very few friends. I am the only member of my immediate family that is not married/partnered and with kids.

I developed a major depressive disorder at the age of 54, following severe heart issues for which I had surgery and had to start taking meds that have serious tendency to cause depression thru changes in brain chemistry. I ended up having to quit working and go on disability. I took care of my mother for the last two years of her life and have yet to find respite from the grief, two years after her passing.

I have wanted to end my life for 4 years. One night, wanting only a gun to make the pain go away, I found this site online. The majority of the people here are young, like you. Some have truly horrible home situations. I am the anomaly. Plus I am not bi polar or schizophrenic……just battling remitting/relapsing depression. I have no desire or impulse to cut myself. So even here, I am a misfit.

I guess my point is you have your entire life ahead of you. I am closing in on the final decade or so of my life. My heart is severely damaged and getting weaker every day. You have the time and resources to change the circumstances of your life. I encourage you to just get out there and start living for yourself. Try to think of one negative thing about your life that you can control and change it. Start there and keep on working on making changes.

We, the people on this site, are all here because we acknowledge our flaws and brokenness in ways others cannot. We don’t judge each other because of our mental illness. You are safe here.

Please keep trying to stay alive. And comeback as often as you need to. You will find support and understanding.

God, what I wouldn’t give to me 16 again!

Marcello, I think you HAVE options You have this forum. At your age things seem very black and white and permanent. I can assure you that nothing in life is black and white, very little, unlike death, is permanent. You may, indeed, feel like you are just going through the motions. Maybe that’s what you need to do in order to gain the energy and tools to move on. Treading water. It’s what you do when you’re too tired to swim. That’s a smart thing to do! At your age, and with all the marvels of our digital world, you never know when and where an opportunity for you to move on may suddenly present itself.

Your parents have divorced and your family is in conflict. Sad to say, that is pretty common these days. It inflicts unfair pain on those who are least equipped to deal with it. People like yourself. At my age, I can assure you, friends come and go. You will be especially blessed if you find one or two stand the test of time and remain with you through thick and thin. For all you know, they may be having personal problems of their own and need YOU.

What are your hobbies? Do you like comic books or sports? Maybe their is a club or organization at your school or in your town where there are people that like the same things you like. Their are ways to find strength in such things and with such people.

My point is, what you are going through, tough as it is, is temporary. As you get older you will go through many such times of unrest, some heavier and some easier. But it’s all part of life. If you were being physically or sexually abused, I would say go to a teacher or adult neighbor you trust and ask for help.

Having endured extreme bullying as a teenager, I know how desperately sad and lonely you feel. It’s horrible! And I also know that as I got even just a year or two older, my surroundings changed (graduated from high school) and it seemed like everything else changed. It did and it does. Stay in school and stay AWAY from drugs! The temporary relief chemicals provide is just that, temporary. And every time the high goes away, it takes from you and leaves you even lower than before. That includes alcohol. My family is has alcohol abuse on both sides. I know what I am talking about.

While you still have your health (something I can never get back without a miracle), just try to keep on going. Look for that one thing you can control (perhaps get up earlier than everyone else and get out of the house before unpleasantness starts) and take baby steps toward controlling more and more of your life.

While you may not, at present, be in charge of all of your circumstances, you ARE in charge of your life. And for you…..I say the potential is there for you to stay alive and make things better. Who knows what lies ahead. A couple of years ago, while caring for my mom and in conflict with my sister, her legal guardian, I went to a friend and poured out my heart. She said to me “You have to remember that all people and circumstances ALWAYS change.” And she reminded me of several times in my life where, over the years, everything had indeed changed.

It will all change for you, too, as long as you stay alive and do the work only you can do to make it happen.

Peace!
Bayareaguy/Jay