You know, it’s kind of sick how I predicted my own death.
I knew this year would be the end of me.
Acceptance letters already went out and rejection letters are just starting to come out.
I haven’t received one acceptance letter.
I know the program I applied to ran out of space.
I already know what the generic email will say.
I know it’s all over.
I’ve already come to terms with death. And yes, I know how selfish this all is. I know some depend on me. I know I have responsibilities.
But my suicide is long overdue. I held on to hope, and I have failed myself either way. I already knew years ago I’d become a nobody, because I allowed emotion to rule my life. And I refuse to be that simple-minded nobody. I refuse to succumb to basic living, working a dead end job where there is no thinking done whatsoever. Where bright minds and bright souls come to die. And no, I don’t want luxury either. Luxury – being able to buy this and that, do this and that, be this and that all for a simple price is the same hell as basic living is. No, I want to serve my life giving back. I want to be able to share my thoughts and ideas simply for the betterment of human lives. I want to make others happy, and fulfill my own craving for knowledge and growth.
I have let myself down in the greatest way possible. I have overcome many obstacles that I thought I would never see the end of, but this is soul crushing. I have shattered the one dream I had held on to when everyone told me I couldn’t ever achieve it, when the very system I live in mandated that I would never have a chance – I flew above their piercing words and held on to my dream only to have it crushed by the same hands that nurtured and protected it.
Its all over. These words ring through my head, my heart wallows in a deep nothingness. I know I won’t be found till it’s too late. I know I will be forgotten easily. Maybe some that were close to me will suffer, but I know that this will pass. Humans adapt and move on.
Ah, the hypocrisy of that statement. I know I’ll be told to adapt and move on as well. But you know what? What if I’m tired of always adapting. Always telling myself and being told that what I’m feeling will pass. To “hold on, it’ll get better!”. Seven years and it still has not passed. It has NOT gotten better.
I’ll leave all this in time’s hands. There won’t be some predetermined date. It’ll happen when the moment feels right.
4 comments
When you die. You lose the battle against the known forces. Dying isn’t going to improve the state of things, dying ends it all. Dying isd worse than anything you re going through. If things are so bad why not try starting life again in a different atmosphere?
Here is my email. Scribe81@yahoo.com Pls do not die until you ve sent me a mail about your various wishes and aspirations
You didn’t predict it until your gone. But try to stay around for a while. Ventings always good so keep up the good work.
I keep telling myself exhaust all my options before I die. If I do that and I still die at least I’ll keep a clear conscious.
I understand how you feel. People try to tell me that they know how to fix me. No one does and no one can. When it comes to suicide people want to put you in categories and blind you with statistics. What they fail to understand is that every single case is totally unique. Just because person X in a similar situation was able to overcome it, it has no bearing at all in yours. While it is true that some people in suicidal and majorly depressed conditions do improve over time, some will never improve, and actually will become worse. Once you have lost your reason to live, it’s only a matter of time before you lose your will to live. And once that is gone, you have two choices. Stay alive in an emotionally dead condition of constant pain and anguish with no possibility of improvement, in order to satisfy the few people that would be hurt by your death. Or put an end to it all. That’s where I’m at right now, and it seems to me you are in the same boat as me.