i took 42 days and spoke not a word, nor did i write that would be cheating.
mostly i wondered why i wished for death so terribly
i want to end my life
for shame
i am ashamed of how scared i am, and how useless i am,
i am ashamed of how much of a burden i am
and how much hurt i cause to those i care for because i am weak
if measured by the skill it takes to kill
a phantom is a 1,000 weights and reality a penny pound
and all my strength turned to ash by the febrile strength of an unjust man
dissipated by sour breath and uncouth words drunkenly spat on violated flesh
my heart is an autoclave
i am rotten clear down to the bedrock
no thing of consequence can grow, i dropped my seeds of hope there, and let them go
i sleep like a dead man, i wake like a dead man
and if the sun comes i try not to hate the light
i hope someday i’ll learn to walk upright
i crawl till dawn on my hands and knees
goddamn these vampires
deep in my arteries….
what’s your main reason for wishing for death?
6 comments
I guess it might be because of a failure of hope and faith. But our bodies tend to have other ideas, so hopefully that will keep us alive despite everything. Glad you’re still about cathy arsis.
Because it’s harder to change your life.
because we think that people will not change ? As we can change ourselves but what we hate is mostly in others and what they reflect back… After the cheating I hated that I still wanted and loved my ex. I could not change her, people only change for themselves or you need to be a master manipulator.. which I guess most people hate that type of personality and persons.
But talk with people, to only think is also not good! I know I have done the same! Not talking and just thinking while also not eating and drinking. We need social interaction for our happiness.. as we need to see that there are also good people. Without it we will only want to remove the other persons from the world.
call a friend and ask to go for lunch or something. Talk a bit and mention your thoughts, don’t worry about the others reaction. You can make new friends, just use the chance to see their point of view and think if you even want to know people who respond in the way that they are judgmental. If you get a positive reaction then that is a person you want to hang out more with 🙂
Why because sometimes we can’t hack the pain and feel we cant ever live the life we dreamt and if we did we could still probably be suicidal because nothing would ever be the same sucks but yeah
because no matter how much we yearn for a better life, it doesnt become better. not everyone is born with the required smarts and strengths to be able to improve their life, so suicide seems like a better solution to them
the last time i put forth a real effort to cutt the lights out i left a brief note; i’m so sorry, i just cant anymore, i’m sorry……this mite be a recurring theme in many lives