Becoming numb and feral

I need serious help. I grew up to be nice and everything but I’m just not built for this world and I’ve been noticing I’ve become an absolute dick to people and in a way I kind of enjoy it. It makes me feel like I’m in control for once and I’m not the victim. I enjoy making my girlfriends cry over me and all that bullshit. But sometimes I go back to my older mind state and I just become suicidal. I feel like my time is only getting nearer before I snap and finally just do it. I can’t trust any of my friends anymore and my family is part of the reason I’m in this state so I can’t run to them. The only time I truly feel like living life is worth it is when I’m fucked up on drugs. And when I do drugs my tolerance is so ridiculous that too much money is going into them. I’m about to become homeless. fuck Im just a mess right now. I’m trying to make music as therapy and it usually helps but I can’t find a place to record right now. And when I do none of the people around me will take me serious. They try to pull me out and have me do other things but I wanna focus on music but they continue to distract me. None of them know what I’m going through. I’ve put myself in psychiatric hospitals and I’ve met with multiple therapists but nothing helps. The one person that actually made me leave this fucked up mind state I had to cut off because they’ve become an anchor. Playing me.