Depression can be a likened to that of;
trapped within the web of life.
The spider, represents mortality. The spider can be particularly hungry some days, and seek to devour its prey quickly and painlessly. These are the folk who encounter the planet, and cannot bear to stick around long enough to see any more of it. They are the overwhelmed, the kindred spirits that take their lives young. Other times, the spider will toy with its victim, play with it and taunt it for days and months and years.
because that is exactly it. Isn’t it?
We depressed folk are the victims of life itself. We feel with such force, every emotion within the human bounds, that our brains cannot facilitate it. Our passion is so intense, that we break down perfect relationships within the realms of our paranoia and self loathing. We can love without limitation, so strong and devoted that the harmful things our lovers present us with cannot phase our intent.
The greatest problem with depression is the misconception that it is a selfish act. How often one is told ‘how could you do that to me?’ upon the discovery of self harm or attempted suicide. ‘Do I mean nothing to you?’. The plain and simple truth is, yes. You all mean so much, and yet my pain is far greater than any love could sustain my existence on the planet. Often times one is upon the belief that life would be better for everybody if they were to just disappear, for them to never have existed. At least that way, those they love would never have known their affection toward said person.
‘What is a life without the fear of death? It is a life without consequence’.
I often ask myself, why not send me off to Nepal or Iran, somewhere I can save another life in return for my own? My own mortality is on my mind every second of the day. For me, the easiest way to deal with depression is to accept it. You must accept that it is something that has been placed in your life as a hurdle, and while you may never overcome it, you must try your hardest every day to do so. Once you have accepted that this hurdle is a part of your life, you can begin to see the future with it and how to work around it. It will never go away. And this is perfectly okay.
Remember that time you sliced your wrists open, and were filled with the alleviation of stress from your body? I remember my parents looking in disbelief. I for one couldn’t understand why they were so shocked. I had told them I was depressed, and my intention was not to die. It was to take some pain from my brain and relocate it within another part of my body. Mentally, self harm goes against every law of self preservation the human mind provides. We are not creatures of instinct in this moment, merely outlaws of a primitive system. I find that in my lowest times where thoughts of suicide are most prevalent, this has been my alternative to death.
From here we must establish that these thoughts cannot continue. Self harm and mutilation is a very short term fix to what is an ongoing and repetitive cycle. Learning that the burning sensation you feel is not you controlling your pain, it is your pain controlling you. We are above these feelings, and most certainly above being slaves to the things in our heads. Remember this the next time you are about to cut. Say it out loud if you must. ‘I will not let my pain control me’.
Wake up every morning and lie to yourself. Yes. Lie to yourself. I want you to wake up every morning and tell yourself you are happy to be alive. When you look in the mirror, I want you to think of at least one good thing about yourself before you walk away from it. Stand for as long as you have to, you will find something. It is almost a form of discipline, and it will feel as though it is a chore, but it pays off. It takes a little less darkness away from each day.
Think about how great you are at giving advice. You know people come to you with their problems, and there is good reason for it. We, as over emotional creatures, are incredibly good at extracting feelings from situations and seeing them for what they are. We are highly intuitive as a collective, and our overthinking minds make us great allies for any friend or foe within our reach. Do you remember that one time you received a text from a friend and it said ‘We need to talk’, and you literally thought of everything bad you have ever done in your life within the space of a few seconds? That is what makes us so incredible. We have already figured out the answer before the question is even finished. Pride yourself in this. Your worry has merit, and will save your ass one day.
Now as for your advice, imagine what you would say to somebody else in your shoes. Would you tell them to chose death if they were feeling the same way as you? Imagine this person is the one being you care about most in life. What would your advice be? If it is to chose suicide, then you must rethink the value of your friendship with this person. If it is positive, it is time to take your own advice and follow your own beautiful words of wisdom.
There is a theory that us mentally unstable folk are old souls stuck between the bounds of flesh and fiction. I would like to believe that our wisdom has been accumulating for centuries, with the depth of emotion we are capable of. I also want to believe we are here for a reason. We are here to each empathy towards any and all peoples. We are here to teach the value of a kind heart and gentle touch. We are here to encourage life and abundance of joy. We are here to prove that struggle does not stop the heart beating. We are here to defy the odds. Because lets face it, the odds are against us!
I say, feel your damn emotions! Let every ounce of saddness flow through you until you are rid of it. I encourage you to cry and scream into your pillow case. If your way of coping is to run, run like the fucking wind! Do whatever legally makes you live to see the next day. If I want to feel depressed today, that is what I am going to do. I will not let it conquer me, no. I will let its energy flow within me until it passes. I will not give in to it.
Remember how many others are out there feeling what you do. What you feel is normal. What you feel is okay. What you internalize is not something to be felt on your own. Open up to somebody, and if that somebody turns out to be a jackass, find somebody else. Do not waste your time on people who are not open minded to your condition. We have enough on our plates already.
We either live too much in the future or the past. We seek comfort in past experiences, and may obsess over them for want of that same joy. Try and remember this feeling left you for a reason. You may have to change something within yourself to find that joy again. If your head is in the future and you worry that life is pointless with your inevitable death impending… or that you feel hopeless being born a slave to the system of working til death. Remember that every human experience is the ability to feel happiness within the moment. Not what you will be doing 20 years from now. Your future starts right this second, so start treating it this way. Get out of the house, go climb a mountain, achieve something. Tell the girl who has been backstabbing you that her thoughts mean nothing to you. Remove yourself from your current situation. Make your life a long term fix, not a short one.
So for as long as I, the insect, may struggle in my web… I will most often find myself more tangled up as he approaches me. I may sit still for a while and accept my fate. I may give up fighting for lack of a desire to live, or fight. But I should not give up. I should retaliate at the sticky web and its master, I should tell my impending mortality that I will battle until I die. That I will not go out without trying my best.
Before you go to bed every night remember;
- I made it through today, and that is an achievement
- I am important to somebody
- I am capable of love and of being loved
- I deserve to live
- I am allowed to feel sad
- I will cherish every second of happiness I am given
- I can make a change today
- I can make somebody else happy
- I can live for tomorrow
- I can love myself
- I MATTER.