Rabbit Hole

I’m not a selfish person. I’ve been told suicide is selfish. People will miss you, greive, feel guilt, brcw depressed themselves. Your parents. Siblings. Friends. Grandparents. Extended family. They’ll hurt. Some, forever. My parents, especially my mother, will be forever grieving.

My life is good. Good job, family, friends, lifestyle, living conditions, amentities… There is not much i need that I don’t have. Sure I’m single, but I’m seeing someone, kind of, and he’s great. Other guys ask me out, I have to turn them down.

But still I can’t shake this.

I feel like I’m spiralling down a rabbit hole.

I don’t want to get up in the morning. I just want to lie in bed. Void of emotion. Silence. I want to be forgotten. Unloved. Unmemorable. Let me drift. Disappear. Go to bed tonight and that’s the end.

I’m sick. If I choose not to medicate. Terminally. My medication ran out. I’ve choosen to ignore it, not get a refill and pretend I’m being diligent.

I know all I need to do is take my meds. But I don’t want to. I just want to drift away, forgotten.

My lack of meds makes me feel this way. But I feel like I’ve gone to far to turn back.

I was meant to die. This is natures will. Why fight it?

Love,
Kat.