Where Do I Begin

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t exist. Nothing in my life seems to ever be going right anymore. I wish my life was over all the time. I don’t think about suicide as much anymore, and I haven’t tried in 7 months to kill or otherwisebharm myself, but I still wish I were dead.

Everything was fine until a couple years ago, and now I seem to be in a downward spiral I can’t get out of. I’m an 18 year old girl and most of my life has been pretty tough.

A couple years ago, I got my first job. It wasn’t the best job, but I was only 16. After only a few days working, taking thay job became my biggest regret. Something awful, something terrible happened. I still haven’t told many people what happened, but behind the anonymous wall of the internet, I think maybe it’s time to open up about it.

First though, a little about my upbringing. My mother was always been abusive in some way. When I was younger more physically, now that i’m older, it’s more emotional and mental abuse. She likes to mess with your mind, to say things that make you feel horrible about every little thing you’ve done or have thought about doing.

When I was 10, my parents got divorced. I should probably mention, i’m the third of six kids. The divorce was hard on all of us. I didn’t get to see my dad as often anymore, and my mother was even more upset than usual.

My mother seemed to get over the divorce kind of quick though. My dad was cheating on my mother, and he left her, but my mother was remarried about 5 months after the divorce was finalized. My dad still isn’t remarried, and it’s been 8 years.

My mother started seeing people before my parents divorce was finalized. Lots of different people. There were bunches of different men constantly in and out of our house for about 4 months. It was like a revolving door of creepy men.

One of my mothers ‘boyfriends’ stuck around longer than the others, and he was one I was happiest to see go. I was 12 when this one came along. He was a registered child molestor. My mother brought him into her home with her 6 children ages 16 and under. She also thought it would be a good idea to give him mine and my older sisters cellphone numbers.

This led to texts like “i like your boobs,” or “your but looked nice in those jeans.” We were 12 & 14. He tried to hug me once because he “wanted to feel my body pushed up against his.” He died 2-3 years ago, and it was one of the best days if my life.

The next guy that my mother kept around was her second husband. He was a creep too. He used to give my little sisters “baths.” They had been showering by themselves for years and all of a sudden they need help taking a bath again? He used to walk in on us in the bathroom, or when we were changing, and we caught him a few times going through our undergarment drawers. My mother is currently in the process of divorcing him after 6 long years.

My mothers string of men doesn’t end there though. She currently has a married man living with her and sleeping with her, while she herself is also still married. Also in the same house as my younger siblings, and currently myself. She sets a real great example.

Now that were through portions of my crappy childhood, not even touching the subject of constant home and school changes. I can get back to what I was writing about in the begining.

Even though I don’t any of you who are reading this, or if anyone even will read this since it’s so long, it’s still hard to say what happened.

It’s still too hard right now. I’ll it post another time.