I just dont want to ruin her agian but i cant get her out of my mind.

I have been suicidal for 5 years now. I have tryed to stop throught the years. The happyist thisng happend to me when i got a new girlfriend. I loved her. I still do. She still tells me she loves me. But im not sure of that anymore. Ok… At the start of our relationship things were going good everything was ok. I was finaly happy. But as the months went on i started to feel like killing myself again… I tryed it… But she stoped me forcing me to through up the pills that i had swollowed. After that she got me seeing two diffrent people thinking that it would help me more and i promised her i would never try that again. I started to tell people everything was ok, even her. But i knew it wasnt. I tryed my hardest to not do it again but i had to i couldnt live like this anymore. She stoped me again. I broke the promis. But once again made a new one. She didnt take this one very well. I then began seeing that she had been cutting herself and i knew it was all my fault. Im sorry penny i shouldnt of just left you on your own i knew i shouldnt of done this to you im so sorry i would do anything for just one day in the past. With you…… She began talking to this other boy about her problems trying to make me happy by thinking she was happy all the time. The feelings began to grow for this guy and she began seeing him more and more. She never cheated on me though which i guess is an upside. She left me for him. Saying that she couldnt trust me anymore. Doing that made me brake the promis again. I made her feel likw shit. This other guy… Well call him michael… Started reminding me of what i had done to her and telling me to stop being a ***** and just end it already. I had nothing else to lose and so i tryed it again. Somhow i servived.

She still messages me everyday saying that she loves me and misses me and that i just need to get her trust back. I ended up going to her house and she accsidenly kissed her. And i “accsidenly” kissed her back. She invited me round more and each time there was moee and more kissimg and it avenchally led to us having sex. While she was going out with michael. And im not sure what i am ment to do right now. I asked her what we are and she said friends with benifits i guess but that she wants to be more.

I was about to end it for real this time today. The only thing that saved me was the smell of her hoodie that she left here.

I still love you. I hope you really do love me back.

– Connor