It’s been quite some time since I last posted here. Life was difficult (and in many ways still is) when I was a regular contributor. A quick recap: chronic pain/back injury, constant struggle to get necessary medications to manage said pain to maintain something akin to a “normal” life, got destroyed in the housing market collapse – lost two houses, and child support enforcement that seems to think I a gazillionaire when I can barely afford to eat – never mind that all “children” are adults.
There’s a plethora of other smaller issues that contribute, and some of those listed above – particularly the child support – is not a driving force on it’s own since i’ve been hamstrung by that for more than 2 decades – it’s a major pain in the ass to the extent that I’ve paid what I could over the vast majority of my children’s lives but when things got “bad” the courts are supposed to allow you to modify the arrangement to meet the new condition – that didn’t happen and instead the courts treated me more like a willful liar instead of a guy who honestly lost everything through powers/events beyond his control that resulted in my inability to pay. Why is this significant? Because in order to attempt to “force” you to pay – they suspend your driver’s license … this creates a catch-22 that is hard enough to get out of when you’re healthy … but I am not. But I digress …
Let’s fast forward to where i am today and the point of this post before you accuse me of a “bait and switch” 😛
So, I’ve been very tired, exhausted of life – mostly the pain and the begging for pain relief and being told that the government doesn’t want me to be an “addict” … as if a human can become “addicted” to living pain free? I know, right? 😉 anyway, a couple years ago when I was here a lot, I got a HUGE break, a lifeline of epic proportions when I met my current girlfriend who I now live with (and because I do, I don’t have the type of privacy to participate here like I use to). Anyway, life stabilized and  became bearable and didn’t have the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff … I had taken a couple steps back from the edge of that cliff thanks to her.  Needless to say – she accepted me as I am (with the exception of not knowing anything about my “plan B”) But I was very careful to ensure that she was VERY aware of what she was getting in a guy like me – which, to be honest, if a woman was exactly like me – I’d have RUN (I know, I’m a dick – but an honest one)
So here I sit, and I have no complaints regarding my girlfriend aside from sometimes she drinks a little too much and gets irrationally emotional and that she somehow got the impression that I am a mindreader – I am not. The pain is worse and the medications are less, but more restricted now making pain relief harder to come by and days of pain more numerous. So my mind has drifted back to “Plan B” with increasing frequency …
Then I find out an old friend died last night … BOOM!
I think – “That’s sad and untimely” … but am I sad? … why do I feel indifferent? … and … wait … is that actually JEALOUSY I’m feeling? I mean, I was there on the phone with probably my best friend who is almost in tears telling me the news … and I have no feeling … except jealousy … that LUCKY bastard! And he was YOUNGER than ME!!! FUCK!
Well, I start digging a little deeper and the details are VERY sketchy but it seems my old friend had been the victim of some accident – a serious one that left him in some chronic and degrading condition. Somewhere in the conversation the word “Hospice” (for those that don’t know – hospice is a service that “helps” comfort and tend to the terminally ill) was used in a vague context – I pressed but my bestie didn’t know any more details. I guess I’ll have to wait to get the full story.
I can’t help but wonder how my old friend – who was younger, stronger, and had musical talent incomparable except to names like Joe Satrioni or Yngwie Malmsteen – could have had life go SO wrong that he needed hospice and wrestled with drugs/alcohol (other words used in the conversation).
The reality is … I hadn’t had any contact with my now deceased friend for some 15 years … he kind of went into a self imposed exile and sort of disassociated with our circle of friends – I don’t know why. His world changed … he changed it and alienated the vast majority of people we shared as friends. So in a way, his death is just sort of “made official” what has effectively been going on for over a decade. In this way, I’m basically indifferent to the news of his passing – that makes me feel a tad icky because it just seems such news should have more of an impact to me – sadness, grief etc. … I just can’t get “there” … I mean, I KNOW it’s sad, I KNOW I wish he were still here and that I could talk with him – he was quirky funny … in a way that was oh SO unique that it made him stand out even more that his physical attributes already did – men would look and admire his physique and flowing naturally curly hair and women found him magnetic, sexy and personable … but he was always I tad aloof and kept the whole world at arms length … enigmatic.
I’m sorry for those closest to my old friend for their loss – I look back and reflect fondly of the times and closeness we had, when we had it … but those days were gone and logged into history over a decade ago – so the news is confirmation of what was already in existence – he was sadly gone out of my life … so I’m indifferent to it being “official”.
But overwhelmingly am I ever jealous … I’m in the age bracket where losing friends only becomes more frequent … and I’d rather be one that goes sooner rather than later … I hate jealousy … but man oh man am I ever jealous.
Time to re-evaluate “Plan B” and review and prepare …
wishfully jealous dawg
15 comments
I am sorry for whatever has happened to you. Can you reveal the plan b to us?
Thanks – nothing to be “sorry” about. Shit happens and some decisions/choice are of my own making so …
Plan B … was originally “Plan A” back when I first came to this site … it’s an “exit” plan 😉 mostly because of the weariness and exhaustion for the day to day pain.
Thanks for reading,
fatigue dawg
Dawg, you have always been one of my favorite SP posters from way back. The way you jump in every few months with absolute pearls of wisdom and then vanish for another month or two… you’re like a suicidal Dalai Lama with powers of invisibility 😛
Anyway, I do know that “jealous” feeling. I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with it. Most cultures view death as a stigma, but if you approach it objectively it can be anything. Like a vacation. Some vacations are awesome while others suck. And in either case, we are always jealous of that friend who gets to go on vacation.
I think you should keep Plan B in your pocket. It can be a source of comfort knowing that there IS a way out, if it comes to that. But in the meantime, damn man, you’ve got an incredible brain. You have at least 1 working finger to type with. Sounds like you’ve got a pretty great girl. Sure you also have the mofockin courts & government on your ass (and nobody wins against the mofocken courts & government), and you have mounting pain to deal with. But maybe you can turn it around.
If you’ve seen the movie Papillon with Steve McQueen you might know the famous line “Hey you bastards! I’m still here!” If you haven’t seen it, flog yourself mercilessly with a banana leaf and watch it immediately because Steve McQueen is you, my friend.
-Secret stash of money shoved up his ass Salt
I’ve seen Papillon many times … mostly in my younger days but maybe I should see it again to refresh my aging and increasingly forgetful memory … although I seem to recall that I always identified with the Dustin Hoffman character.
Salt – I find it interesting and humbling that you find my thoughts and words so sage and should choose to mention that on this thread (although I think you’ve said similar in the past) and then you post your Piano song to which I think your musical talent, your capability to do things with an instrument (including vioce) that many others would kill to do just half of … why is this so interesting to me? Because the catalyst for this thread was the death of my old friend – a guitar player/musical composer who could do things that others would just listen and throw away their instruments after twenty years of hard work because they know they’ll just never attain that level of mastery, command and/or originality … you have that … in just the one (piano) video i recognize it … like my old friend – it’s almost as if you can SEE the sound waves – in vivid color – and can intuit how they will bounce and be received.
I’ve traveled in the musician circle of friends for over 20 years – I’ve seen greats – those that have “it” and those who suck (like me) and those that have to work 4 times harder to do a mere 25% of what the greats can do. Anyway – enough gushing – just know that I am a VERY tough “crowd” to impress when it comes to music – you did it with one video performance – like my dead friend did the first time I saw him play.
To split a hair or two – I don’t really consider myself “suicidal” … at least not in the classic sense that conjures images of the tortured, depressed souls who have super high highs and deep dark lows … I’m a pretty even keel, analytical and realistic rational – and dare I say – thoughtful – kind of person. With an uncanny “superpower” to divide “feelings” from facts in such a way as to contemplate and act on the simple emotionless start facts of reality while suspending all emotion and “feeling” from coloring the proper factual and rational fact based response.
Believe me when I say – it makes relationships VERY difficult – that said, yes, my girlfriend is amazing 🙂 Quite frankly, I don’t know what she saw in me.
My “Plan A/B” was thisclose to being implemented before she gave me (unknowingly) a reprieve – a life line. But although she bailed me out of the imminent situation that brought it on, there really isn’t anything she can do to stop the over all degradation of my quality of life. It really boils down to pain and ability to mitigate the pain that is the main determining factor. The pain is growing and the ability to mitigate is minimizing due to societal factors (government “oversight”) that are beyond my control.
I guess what I’m basically saying is – it’s all down hill from here … not physical capability (although that’s restrictive) but physical pain is relative to what can be tolerated … sure I have use of my brain and all limbs fingers and toes … but limited in the time, range and capability – walking, hiking, swimming, canoeing etc …running/sports – even golf are out of the question … so whereas before, facing homelessness, I was close to “pulling the trigger on Plan A/B” … now it’s quality of life that is slowly eroding and the balance is tipping to a point where I reconsider an exit strategy with increasing frequency … this morning I awoke to a mental review of all the moving parts to implement “Plan A/B” … almost like an auto-response … like most normal, healthy folks awake to thoughts of “Must. Have. Coffee.” … I awake this morning reviewing the inventory/parts list and the instruction manual.
I know, I know … a lot of verbiage to basically say I’m growing weary of this bullshit. I wish I had a stash of cash somewhere … but what I’d need is too much to fit up my ass LOL … money can buy a lot of security, tolerance and pain medication … but I don’t have it … I have to work every day at a physically demanding job and every day gets harder and harder to meet demand.
Thanks for your kind words and thoughts
controlled descent dawg
Oh man, as always, you said enough in that one reply to keep me pondering for days. Maybe that’s why you do the hit-n-run posts and disappear; it’s because you instinctively know our puny peanut brains can only handle so much at a time hahaha. Already I feel these stupid neurons struggling to make connections they’ve never made before…
Well first, it’s the deepest honor to be even mentioned in the same breath as real musicians. I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty good faker. But I live in mortal terror of someone figuring it out and pulling the Oz curtain aside to reveal a rather insignificant little trickster who happens to know 3 chords 😛 But I’ll take what you said to heart, buddy. Maybe I’ll make something of myself one day, and I’ll have you to thank for this monumental boost.
It’s really funny what you said: “an uncanny ‘superpower’ to divide ‘feelings’ from facts … Believe me when I say – it makes relationships VERY difficult”
because it’s precisely that rational/emotional division that has led to many a knockdown dragout fight between me and an ex-girlfriend or two. They don’t like it. At all. And the more you make sense, the less they want to hear it. Note: I’m not just talking about females or even romantic relationships necessarily, but whenever you encounter someone who is emotionally charged, the more rational you get, the more it riles up the opposition until eventually you’re both basically talking to yourselves without listening to the other. So yeah, although I myself am way too emotional, I try to be detached in moments of crisis, and that doesn’t always go over so well with others.
Reading your posts & the way you write, I see in you the pinnacle of what I would like to reach: absolute command over emotions. I don’t know how you got there because it’s a tough road. And what’s scary is the way your emotions can disguise themselves as rationality in order to trick you.
Maybe you’ve caught yourself in this position before: have you ever been emotionally driven toward something (let’s say suicide), and you begin to justify it with the most convincing yet fundamentally flawed logic? With you, I’d say it might be worse because you have such a command over words that I’m sure you can present an airtight case. As the saying goes “The devil can quote scripture for his purposes.” And so, in the case of suicide, you may find yourself hammering on the supreme logic and rationality of ending your own life, and no one (least of all you) can find a flaw in your reasoning.
That’s a dangerous place, my friend. Who knows, maybe suicide is logical and rational and the right thing to do. But heck man. We’ve lived this long, probably through bad times or even worse, and that seemed like the rational thing to do at the time. So why the sudden shift toward suicide? (I’m talking about both of us because I think I’m at a similar crossroads.) I think it may actually be the dumb irrational feeling of “I’m too tired to take any more of this crap.” And so based on that sneaky emotional response, we build an entire case for suicide that nobody can argue with.
Well lookie there, I got pretty wordy myself, except I highly doubt I made as much sense as you did. But the point I’m trying to say is: We have suffered through worse and survived. That was probably a good, sensible thing to do. Why now (just because we’re “older” whatever that means) are we so ready to give up? I think the answer is pure, emotional, illogical fear. We’re afraid that we can’t take it like we did when we were 18 year old whippersnappers. So suddenly C becomes B, or B becomes A
…or if 6 was 9 😉
“They’re hoping soon my kind will drop and die,
But I’m gonna wave my freak flag high, high.
Sing on brother, play on drummer.”
(see what I did there?)
Ha! Salt bro, you’re a hoot! “Real” musicians LOL … you ARE a “real” musician. Anyone can mechanically play the note. Anyone can read the sheet of music then play the notes on the page … but most “real” musicians I know can’t differentiate between a quarter note and a full rest much less make sense out of a sheet of music with key and time signatures. I don’t know if you can read music or not (i suspect you can) … but you (like the “real” musicians I know) can FEEL music … you can “see” it you can “speak it” … like an artist taking tubes of primary color paints can make more shades of color and apply them to canvas in ways that makes them jump off the canvas they’re permanently adhered to.
(NOTE: Let me interject that I am putting the world “real” in quotes – not so suggest you are NOT real but more to suggest that you give yourself FAR less credit and don’t recognize that you aren’t on par with, or surpass real musicians – you are and you do)
See the difference between “real” musicians like you and everyone else that plays music proficiently (this excludes me 😛 ) is that music comes natural … much like you accuse me of having words/thoughts that tend to surpass the average person … it’s natural … to me, although I’m always learning new words and ideas … words have weight … and meanings – often times people will use words interchangeably … as a simple demonstration – take “Good” and “Excellent” … obvious, I know … but there IS a difference. SO choosing one word over another TO ME makes all the difference … to others who just communicate, the distinction is marginal at best if at one is to be noticed all.
You can do that with music … I cannot. I can play a not on guitar a couple different ways to “try” to convey an emotion, a feeling, and I’m “successful” about 50% of the time … you, (and other “real” musicians) can play that same note on your chosen instrument (more likely on multiple instruments) dozens, if not a hundred different ways that can convey a nuanced range of emotions from violent to chilling, you ca “touch” people with that note from a feather soft caress to a hearty reassuring embrace.
Granted – you have had to learn the mechanics like the rest of us – but you know how to wield the tool deftly … like a carpenter can do things with a hammer that would mystify the “Do it Yourselfer” hobbyist amateur. I can see it in the way you touch each key on the piano. Each note is a purposeful individual with it’s own emotion added to the collective for the greater purpose/message.
“Real” musicians … like say, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, took your “3 chord” hypothesis and made himself a Legend! He basically stole the I-IV-V Blues progression (along with some of the riffs from the old black blues masters) and made them his own – shook them up changed their “feel” and BOOM – through him is the gateway to hard rock/prog rock and heavy metal. Now, How many people have you hear play a cover of the Zep tune “Rock and Roll”? … now, think how many actually made you FEEL like “Rock and Roll”? … I’m betting the 2nd number is remarkably LESS than the first 😛 … if you’re like me, the answers are probably 1) A “Bazillion” and 2) about 5 … give or take I’m betting you answered the same … well, your version of Lil Wing is in the “5” category … and believe me when I say EVERYBODY plays that song … I clicked “play on yours as a courtesy and was prepared to simply say (if anything) “good job” as an empty platitude … but … well, the length of this discussion should give you an inkling to think that my thoughts on your version and ability are anything but “empty” 😉
You have that “it” thing that millions of others go their whole lives trying to find a glimpse of – if only for one fleeting moment.
I’ll answer some of your other points in a follow up comment … I got wordy and have to go back and re-read the context … this is why don’t post all that often – because when I have something to say, I want to say it right, or not at all.
pause dawg
Ok – Part 2 … I’m gonna try not to blather on this time 😛
Two main points –
First – I don’t have an “absolute command” over emotions but I do have solid control over them … I’m careful (most times) to choose them (you can do that ya know). Sometimes it requires not reacting instinctively with your gut reaction and stopping, if only for a moment, to think about the thought, words or action, that creates that primal urge to respond/lash out … sometimes it requires further inquiry to determine EXACTLY what the other person meant … other times it involves giving the other person the benefit of doubt that what they said/did is NOT what it “appears” that they said/did … that right there will resolve about 60% of misunderstandings.
On the other side of the spectrum – as you point out – is how people view your response/reaction to news of certain things … this requires some acting skills … specifically because of the parallel track of fact vs. feelings …so in this instance, my friend died … on one hand – the fact side … people die, that’s a fact of life and I haven’t seen/spoken to this friend in many years so TO ME, nothing has changed in all practicality to my current world and life … but the friend who conveyed the news EXPECTS a response – being indifferent as facts dictate I should respond with a fact based response, would be socially awkward and seemingly insensitive … so although I don’t actually “feel” sad (at least to the degree I think was expected in this social interaction) at that moment … I knew I HAD to EMULATE an air of sadness and surprise. This can be hard for many people – responding with the seemingly appropriate amount of sadness (or whatever the situation dictates) and doing the “act” convincingly.
I know when my mom died – I was effectively numb and outwardly probably seemed very detached, disinterest and mechanical. Until it “hit me” like 3 or 4 months later when out of no where I was a blubbering, inconsolable baby for about an hour … then … it just turned off … that one hour or so was real and raw like water from a faucet on full blast … but then as mysteriously as it started, it “turned off” and I was right back to where I was moments before.
Point 2:
I get your point regarding how you view my view and approach to suicide, and I can’t say I blame you for seeing it that way. But, how can I say this … I really would prefer NOT to die. I know no matter how difficult life can be, it always has undisclosed priceless moments that are “worth the price of admission” and then some.
But like a chess master can look at the chess board and play 20 moves ahead in several different scenarios … I increasingly see negative outcomes and great difficulties that will make life very trying to continue … the logic is “why wait til the very last second” – like playing a game of “chicken” and swerve at the last split second hoping the other guy does the same … well because cutting the margins THAT close runs the risk of losing the window of opportunity.
I don’t have blind spots like you suggest, and I really come up with logic and reason to suffer for a couple more days to gain a smidgen of relief … most times that’s good enough … but its a fatiguing grind. so … I dunno, But I just think with increasing frequency, that I’m OK with being “done”
Now – let me qualify that by saying – that I’m pretty sure I have about a 20 year head start on you 😛 … and a LOT less talent 😉
cheers dawg
Arghh my peanut brain! My peanut brain!! lol
Actually I think I’m right there with everything you said (except your too-generous praise for my musical ability in part 1 which I, for form’s sake, must modestly deny whilst secretly having it printed on a t-shirt under the bold heading “REAL MUSICIAN. EAT THAT BITCHES”).
Re: Part 2, sub-point 1, in particular the handling of your friend’s death, it made me think of a quote from Spock (with whom I suspect you have a profound association) in Star Trek 6 after the Klingon Chancellor is assassinated, and Scotty suspects the Chancellor’s daughter, pointing out that she didn’t cry at the funeral.
Spock: “Hardly conclusive, Mr. Scott, as Klingons have no tear ducts.”
And there it is. Why is it that an emotional reaction, or lack thereof, is supposed to determine what sort of person we are? Why is an emotionless response equated with apathy, negativity or even hostility?
When I was 17 my friend died in a nasty car wreck. At his funeral the entire high school was bawling, but I was unable to muster up 1 tear. The irony is, 2 days after the funeral everyone was laughing & carrying on as if nothing had happened, while I remained in a somber state for months thinking about him.
I have nothing against a good cry. In fact, just like you described with your mother’s death, I’ve been known to unexpectedly lose it once in a while, I’m talkin Niagra Falls baby. But I feel like emotions are a very personal, private & indecipherable thing, and I hate that we humans are expected to communicate in this language of emotions that is clearly a different language for each person!
So, like you said, the result is a lot of pretending. Not just for us Spock types, but I think everyone feels the obligation to pretend, whether they realize it or not. Because everyone knows that they’re being judged on their performance.
Perhaps your friend (the one who told you the bad news) felt like he/she was being judged and possibly exaggerated the emotion, which in turn forces you to put on a front which validates your friend’s exaggeration. The whole scenario is like a bad, bad soap opera. And maybe after a lifetime of acting in bad, bad soap operas, our brains are so scrambled that we don’t know how to properly feel any more. Y’know like actors who lose themselves in the part and start thinking they truly are the fictional character they’re playing. A whole freakin race of bad, melodramatic soap opera actors. Makes me wanna cry. Is anyone looking? waaaah!!! *hold for applause*
Re: Part 2, sub-point 2, ah I see what you’re saying. And you’ve said it before that you’re not “suicidal” in the classical sense. Tbh that’s still hard for me to wrap my head around because I fully admit that I am suicidal in the classical sense, i.e. deriving some weird emotional thrill from the idea of death. In your case you sound more like the elevated Buddhist shamen I’ve read about who reach a certain understanding of the world and conclude that there is no purpose in their continued existence in this realm, so they starve themselves to death.
Unfortunately your situation sounds less lofty & celebratory as theirs, but the reasoning seems similar: why prolong the inevitable, or the wasteful?
Tough call, but I would say (to them as well as you) there’s always something more we can do as long as we’re still in this world. Even your simple act of posting on this site, influencing others, telling some piano hack like me that he’s not such a hack 😛 has a profound effect on the continuum of life.
Is it worth the pain you’re going through? Probably not. But one thing’s for absolute damn certain: someone like you has so much still to offer this world. Tell you what, man… Write a few books detailing as much as possible EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING, publish them, gimme a chance to read them, and then only after you can’t think of anything more to say, go confidently toward death! 😉
@Salt – a lot of point to touch on and I’m sure I’ll address some and forget others – that doesn’t invalidate the ones I “miss”.
Re: “Why is it that an emotional reaction, or lack thereof, … equated with apathy, negativity or even hostility?
I assume partly because most people are shallow and can’t/won’t use intellect to delve further into complex human behavior. After a lifetime of being spoonfed example of what X emotion looks like, they just reference their database of movie clips and match it up from there. We’ve become a disposable and immediate gratification society and, damn it, just who has time to invest in figuring out an enigmatic response to something they’ve seen in a million award winning movies? (heavy sarcasm). That said – for us “spock types” (I like it), it’s make life easier for us to just put on a little act to satiate those that can’t possibly understand a deeper, more complex and nuanced world that to try and explain all the conflicted emotions of the moment that we choose to review in full and savor each one to conclude how we “feel” on the whole.
But I think you’re on to something regarding the whole “dance” between me and my friend bearing the news … I actually DID think it like a bad soap opera script at the time. But also, that friend drinks and seemed to be evidence of my working hypothesis that Alcohol intensifies/increases whatever emotion you’re feeling before drinking … so in this case, sad becomes manic to almost hysterics.
I don’t disagree with your “Buddhist shaman” analogy … except that I reject all religions based on lack of evidence … I will plead a level of ignorance in the case of Buddhism though and I think it is also a philosophy to some extent. but yes … it’s sort of like that where I am playing out the “moves” in advance, looking at the options etc to arrive at a POTENTIAL conclusion … but it’s all balance … lately it has seemed to tip towards a world in which I just don’t want to continue to subject myself to participation … that said, since nothing is written in stone – wild card variables can always change the equation and conclusion in the blink of an eye. So, despite having a resignation to seeing an exit as an end game … something like say a random winning lottery ticket would radically change my equation to something much more positive … plus I could fund and produce your debut album 😉
Yes – I am well aware that my words thought and decisions have long reaching impacts on others on a daily basis – that, part of the reason why I’m careful of my words and who/why I choose to participate in any given conversation/post. When I do say something and it proves to net a positive result – yes, it makes my pain and struggles – for that day or week, or even maybe that month – very much worth it to have been able to provide someone else something positive to build on … but then ask me if I’d endure 10 years of pain to gain that one solitary moment … no, it’s not “worth it” but here’s is one of the few times where I adopt faith (and percentages) that if it wasn’t me who had that profound effect, it could just as likely be someone else since none of us lives in a vacuum.
Believe me – the thought of writing books has entered and bounced around my brain more times than I care to think … but then trying to corral my thoughts into something coherent is like trying to bottle lightning … and I was never fond of the act of “writing” … but, that said, the idea has been more prevalent as of late – still not sure where I’d start or on what subject matter … maybe a working title like “Random synaptic firings of a semi educated layman” would do?
As an aside tangent – I tend to comment here more often than posting so I might suggest searching comments for “dawg” to find some of my hidden “gems” (or forgettable babblings) that you may have missed.
randomly focused dawg
One of the best correspondence/dialectics I have had the prosperity of reading in my quite limited time here. Granted, I am a sucker for anything Star Trek TOS related… 😀
@Ceph – SP use to be full of these types of long winded deeper discussions. People don’t have to be highly educated or of high intellect to think about deeper more meaningful issues regarding life/death … but it is helpful to do some thinking before making a major life altering choice. Sure, the world is is a cold uncaring place. But it’s also a wonderful mystifying and beautiful place … gotta strike a balance between what’s worth it and what isn’t. 🙂
Thanks for reading/commenting
cheers dawg
@Ceph I should’ve guessed you were a TOSser! I hope you’re doing ok today buddy. Me, I’m sorta in a “zero-zero-zero destruct zero” mood, but that’s why these wonderful philosophical labyrinths are perfect distractions 😛
@Dawg lol You’re so right about people processing information based on their database of movie clips. I can’t think of a better explanation. Quite literally, today’s visual multimedia/video culture (not necessarily that it should be a bad thing, but we’ll get to that in a minute) is taking away from the more abstract thought processes such as interpretation of emotions. Why, when I was yer age….(lol) we would read a book and intrinsically feel the drama in our own way. But nowadays that same book is a Hollywood blockbuster starring Gwynneth Paltrow showing us exactly how we’re supposed to feel. And half the time we’re not even looking at Gwynneth’s eyes, if ya know what I mean.
With this drastic shift, only in the last 20 years or so with the internet, we begin to see the world through the rather myopic lens of the tight camera closeup, as dictated by the 3 or 4 directors and 3 or 4 actors who dominate our screens. And absolutely, you called it, people start to emulate the movies & TV shows that they’re fed. Not just dressing like them but *feeling* like them. And when you start teaching people how to feel, you’re going way beyond any Orwellian hell ever imagined.
About Buddhist shamen and such — I’ll try to say this real fast so not to offend any suicidal Buddhist shamen in the crowd — I’m not exactly in tune with that stuff, either. I’ll go so far as to say that those suicidal & reclusive Buddhists piss me off. Excuse me for intruding on your enlightenment, Mr. Buddha dude, but maybe could you help us here down in the trenches trying to make the world a better place, rather than commune with holy oracle on the top of your mountain?? God & spirituality can be a great thing when it benefits the world (such as the Christian charities that go to underdeveloped countries to distribute medicine & education). But if the point of Buddhism is simply to attain personal enlightenment and then disappear in a flash of light while the rest of the world goes down with the Titanic, aint that a tad bit selfish?
Oops, well that wasn’t exactly brief. But I seriously doubt that there are any suicidal Buddhist shamen in the crowd.
Where was I? Oh yeah. So you’re actually living proof (dying proof? lol) of someone who has achieved an extraordinary amount of wisdom, and yet, rather than disappearing in a flash of light, you’re here in the trenches with the lowest souls on earth, trying to bring us up, which you do. Definitely a book or series of books would be your logical next step. So ink up that pen and start scrawlin man!
And of course, continue to play the lottery every day because I need a producer and management pronto!!
Heard the immortal Dawg made a post so I decided to come out of hiding and check on the immortal sob. Sad to hear things are getting so rough for you. Government eh? Will plant the hard drugs to ruin communities, but restrict the ones giving people like you a decent standing in life or make you pay out the ass for them smdh…
Glad you gotta girl looking out for you… and trust me… all woman will think you’re a mind reader, not just her. Guys do too they we just don’t open up until we do something really stupid.
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I could cover every topic in your post, but one… i’d just be restating what you said or the obvious and two… it’s currently 7AM and I haven’t had a lick of sleep since before work yesterday.
It’s a shame your first post in… well, before even I first layed eyes on this site comes under such circumstances. Guess nobody’s immortal after all… granted you had to have come here for a reason in the first place. I hope it doesn’t come to Plan B old friend, but if it does, I hope it’s one of the quick and relatively painless variety. You’re thoughtful comments and amazing sign off will always be engrained in my memory. And you will always be synonymous with SP… well, it was meant as a good thing.
~ snuf (aka Mike)
Hey mike – nope – not immortal, and never claimed to be … yes there was a reason I first came here – and it remains the same but certain variables have changes so for the better and others not so much.
I often talk about things here because I have no place else to discuss or at minimum, air them outside the echo chamber of my skull. Glad I have at least left a positive impression on you – I’ve always tried to approach everyone else’s issues/queries objectively without using my personal situation as a filter lens to color my opinions and suggestion.
I’m not sure my “situation” is as dire as perhaps I made it sound – I was more trying to give a brief overview to those newer members who haven’t “met” me like so many of the older participants/members here. Like the gov’t/child support – been dealing with that for 25+ years … by it’s own right, it’s a pain in the ass but not “that” big of a deal by itself – but when added to the rest – well, it’s more insult to injury.
Whether I stay topside or choose exit is a ways off yet … but it’s just been popping randomly into my head as an option lately so I figured I talk about it especially in light of my friend’s recent passing. As I’ve said times past, If I DO choose to exit – I will make it clear and known here and my chosen exit vehicle will be the painless helium hood.
Cheers my old friend – glad to see you’re still with us 🙂
contemplation dawg
oh! so big things!