I’m looking at suicide methods again for the first time again after a while of being good. Over the last 5 years I tried to kill myself over a dozen times, climaxing last fall when I drove my car into a telephone pole going 70 mph, which left me completely unscathed. At that point I felt like I had exhausted all suicide methods I was willing to try, and was then trapped in the living world.
I guess I still feel that way. I don’t have the nerve to do something that could result in prolonged pain or a life of suffering after failure. Can’t hang, I could never cut deep enough, and sure things like driving into a tree or jumping off a building clearly aren’t as reliable as I thought. (Although jumping is something I’ve entertained lately, if I get that low). Pill overdoses just lead to a trip the hospital, and/or days of feeling like shit while I recover. And I don’t have the means or knowledge of drugs to efficiently end my life that way as quickly, peacefully, and surely as possible. I’m deadly allergic to peanuts, but clearly not as much when I was younger. If I had a access to a gun I’d probably have killed myself many times over by now, but I don’t. I have social issues and the process of getting one feels me up with extreme nervousness, especially knowing what my intention for using it would be. It holds me back from going to a psychiatrist and getting more effective meds. I know of one med and alcohol combination I’ve tried and would definitely work if I had access to it, would’ve before had someone not found me.
Like I said before, I’d been better lately. Life’s been alright, and I was believing that maybe things would be alright for the future too. That I could move forward, get some enjoyment out of the life I led, and then pass on whenever my time came. I could save up some money, get a car and either a second or better job, and apartment, and someone to enjoy it with. All these things felt like realities until a week ago. I knew someone really down on her luck, and had been lending her money. And I got stuck in a lending cycle, giving her more and more, and always being guilted in and feeling if I didn’t help today it would take longer to get paid back. After going through most of my life savings, and getting excuse after excuse about being paid back, I don’t think I ever will be, whether it’s because they conned me or just really will never have the money. And now I need to buy a car, and don’t have any means to do so. I’ve had one picked out a week and can’t do anything because of the money. My dad has a car he will let me drive if I pay for repairs, which I barely have enough for probably, but that is a temporary fix. And then I consider my options if I do that. Either I keep skating along, until it breaks down or I get some other expense and won’t be able to pay. If I were to spend no money, I would have $200 at the end of every month, maybe. Spending all my free time at home with no money is not a life I want. The other option is to get another job. I’ll need to do this eventually anyway if I want to move out, but I’ll be forced to in this event if I want my life to get back on track. I’ll have no free time anymore, and little to show for it. I know deep down this is what I should do.
I just feel so pathetic. I lost all my money by being trusted and manipulated, and everyone will have to know. I’ll be forced to depend on my parents for years longer than expected, if I’ll ever be able to afford to go on my own. And because of how I am this kind of thing will just keep happening. Logic is telling me to give up even if my heart isn’t fully in it. I’m avoiding all my problems right now in a deluded hope the money will still come to me. I know if I find a method I can get on board with, and things don’t improve, I may very well try again.
I don’t really know what the point of saying all this was.