So there i was for a second, back where it all begun. My eyes closed, asking him not to come any closer. His hands creeping up my body slowly as i tried to hold back the tears, biting my lip not to make a sound. He was not to know i was awake, he could never know i was awake while he did this to me. I felt his lips against my neck and drowned a scream. He was going to do it. For one second i believed maybe he’d be satisfied by just touching me. Be of course, he never was. I had long given up believing that maybe my mother would call him and he’d have to stop and go back to his room, back to his bed, their bed. I had no idea how he could ever kiss and hug her after he did this to me.
But no, no one would come. I was by myself, and i was left to endure this every night, along as the the words he always left me with before leaving. “You wouldn’t want mommy to go away, right? So you can’t tell her what you’ve been doing to me.” Fooling me into believing that it was all my fault, that i wanted this and so i had to keep quiet about it.
But I never wanted this.
3 comments
It’s not your fault and you did nothing to deserve the abuse. The abusers will always try to make their victims feel ashamed and guilty, but it’s the abuser who should feel ashamed and guilty for their actions. I hope you’re okay.
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Almost same thing happened to me. Mom’s ex husband abused me for years, not only sexually but also emotionally. I used to pretend I was sleeping… I was too afraid to do anything and when I told my mom about what he was doing to me, she stood by his side. Long story and I really don’t have the time and the courage to explain everything right now, but he basically tried to make me think that the fault was mine too. People that do that are sick, sick monsters that feed on our pain. It was never your fault. I wish you good luck, you’re not alone.
May