Hi.
I’d just like to share my story.
I’ve been feeling suicidal for quite sometime now. For whatever reason, it began when I was 10 or so. I’ve never acted upon it, due to lack of resources and simply being afraid.
When I was younger, I was basically a model child. I listened to my parents, helped them out, got near-perfect grades, etc. And then we moved.
I honestly don’t think the move was what caused these thoughts, but it started about a year after. I can feel myself deteriorating. I don’t want to leave the house anymore. My grades are dropping from 90’s to low 80’s. At first it wasn’t much; just the occasional pang of unexplained sadness, and some spells of lethargy.
Everyone says to go to a trusted adult. Believe me, I fucking tried. I come from a household of Chinese descent, so my parents weren’t exactly supportive. When I was 11 or so, I tried to explain to my mother that I’m not feeling alright (there is no way I could’ve straight up told her) and that I think there is something wrong with me. She just yelled at me, telling me that she couldn’t have given birth to something with any defects in it and that I was just being ungrateful.
Pro tip for any parents reading this: that is not a good thing to do if you want your child to tell you things about their lives.
Needless to say, since then, I’ve become rather emotionally distant from my family. My dad just finds excuses to yell at me, my mom is just constantly screaming, and my sister is never even here. It’s exhausting when your mom is constantly calling you ugly, stupid, a burden, and is constantly guilt tripping you or forcing you into things you don’t want to do. Every single fucking day. I swear, if I do ever kill myself, my parents will only be upset because their little investment didn’t payout in the end.
People may say that my parents actually do care for me, no matter how unlikely it seems. The horrible part is that I get that. I get that they make sacrifices all the time to get me to my classes, and work hard to feed and clothe me, but at the same time, I couldn’t care less.
The realization has dawned on me long ago. Yeah, I know, I’m an asshole for not caring; but just this once, I just want to be selfish.
Not seeking advice in this situation; simply asking for consolation. Just enough to keep me going.
4 comments
I’m not a clairvoyant. I have no credentials. I want to speak Frank Sinatra style. I want to speak reckless. I want to stab at the dark relentlessly. There is something that I am compelled to tell you, I need you to hear me, feel the weight of my words, like the world felt the holocaust…. Someone took something from u. They took it as if it was a trivial, triffeling thing, a casual thing, as if it was theirs from the word go. I don’t know what this thing was, I don’t know if you can fully know I don’t know if this thing is a noun, I doubt that the words needed to describe it have been invented yet.. 2 things. What you lost, u can never get back.next; parents are the most holy of all paradoxes….they are not the enemy, yet they are. Some day, far from now, you’ll understand this. Ms introvert, find a library.
@cathy Nice play on words for your name. Catharsis.
^ Cathy, I’m sorry, I have no idea what you just said. o__0
Hello, 000000. I am so sorry that your parents aren’t willing to listen to your pain. You are suffering from depression and your mother believing it’s a “defect” or you being ungrateful is terrible. My father still refuses to believe anything is wrong with me, he believes it’s just a phase or something everyone deals with.
I don’t know what to say to help keep you going, but I can tell you you deserve to be understood and taken seriously. You’re not an a-hole and you’re not selfish, I want you to know this. I’m always around, so if you want to talk, feel free to tell me. 🙂
@hiohneh
Thank you for your offer; I haven’t told most of my friends, and the one that I have is extremely uncomfortable about it. I’m not on this site a lot, but when I have time I’ll come back and talk 🙂