Second post. Spent all day yesterday planning my death if my trip abroad didn’t work out. Realised it was really bad.
Realised I have to go on proper meds or I will do it. Am not afraid of death but don’t want to fail at it and think the process would be uncomfortable.
Cried and cried and realised only answer was to get proper help. Went in first thing to docs to book an appointment and said it was urgent. The receptionist asked me how long I’d had symptoms and I said depression a long time suicidal a few months now. I thought she would realise this was urgent cos its been a while… Instead she said “so why is it urgent today?” And raised her eyebrows.
And there you go; why I want to quit the world in a personification. What disgusting behaviour. I walked out and balled my eyes out, having booked my appointment for 2 hours time.
I was sitting on the floor crying and a girl stopped and asked if I was OK. I said yes as you do. The personification of the opposite. The nice ones and the horrible ones.
I just hope to have a good nights sleep soon. Its been over 2 months I’ve not slept properly for anxiety and depression. I’ve been so anti medication but I know there is no other answer right now.
Just hoping things can get better.
Also realise I may have to be on and off meds for rest of my life if I want to live. Its really that simple; do I want to live or not. Not sure is the answer but clearly something inside me does otherwise I wouldn’t be going to the doctors.
Not going abroad. Going to get a simple stable life until I’ve got my mental state to a good place for a long time. Its going to be very tough I can feel it.
Thank you for reading
Xx
8 comments
Wow!! You are handling this horrible time extremely well. You are, even if you do not realize it. I remember the first doctor I saw years ago about wanting to die. He gave me a prescription for enough pills to kill me. I took them. But it didn’t work, which is a whole other story. What an incompetent receptionist in that clinic!! People who dont’ go through this do not understand.
Thank you. Every bit of support helps me. Sorry to hear your story but seems we are never alone. Hug xx
You are really strong and that bodes well for the future. That you still retain hope and perspective is so important. I wish you well with the medication and hope that you do not have an intensely difficult period while your body adjusts to it and especially that the prescription is effective. Go well
Thank you x
You r doing well,Thisisme21,thing will eventually look bright for you.You r very strong.Take care.
Thank you. This site is helping me. At least I can be truly honest. Xx
I have been doing some jobs lately, mostly hunting violators and executing them for money…but I have always wanted to die myself. I have been taking a lot of pills but none work. My body all hurts and burns all time so I visited a doctor and asked for some pills…I tried them but they didn’t work and I feel somehow disappointed. I have no family and no close people, no friends and no pets. Loneliness is kind-hearted as she stays with me all the time. I know I have been bad. But, someone had to clean this place up even if it takes his mind and soul.
Good luck and finding the right med and dosages will help with the chemical side of it. I take seroquel off label for sleep. You could ask your doctor.