Okay, so I kindly ask people to Kik me, Skype me or Line me who feel as equally as suicidal as me. Or suicidal the least. I’m young, and I’m scared of the “health line” or “suicide hotline”. They’re people of the official, and I’ve gained a little distrust in them because of my child service here in Norway.
I consider myself a positive person, so I never expected to see no hope. No solution to this problem. My mother has this cycle of mood, sometimes she’s the kindest mother ever, but sometimes she tortures me with mental and physical abuse. When I was younger, I always thought of it as discipline. There’s a different culture between Norway and Philippines anyways.
So… She always calls me dumb, stupid, worthless, useless, “daddy’s daughter”…
It hurts. Hurts so much. It made me scared of showing my bad grades to my mother, in fear of getting called these names again. I tried hard to get perfect in my tests, so I ended up losing motivation. I thought that if I didn’t expect good grades, I wouldn’t be so disappointed of the outcome. From there, I got worse grades. I even stopped doing homework sometimes. It made me feel painless, indifferent. I felt nothing! I distracted myself from the reality and made myself happy.
It felt good. I felt like I was worth it. I was so great in drawing, and I also loved singing and play the guitar. Everyone noticed me and praised me for it. Actually, in my mother’s “happy days”, I suppose, she encouraged me to draw. I loved getting praised by my mother, whom who always downgraded me so often.
Going to highschool, I realized my mistake. I realized that I was dumb, selfish, stupid…
I couldn’t do math. I hated math. Almost all of the subjects, since I understood nothing. I was trying to do the best… Even my favourite subjects that I personally loved was graded! My drawing, my guitar skills in music, my English stories …
Graded fucking C and D’s.
What was I worth all this time? I thought to myself.
I started getting scared of the future. I felt useless. What can I do to impress my mother? What could I do to make her proud of me?
I feel useless.
I felt useless.
You’re probably wondering why I’m so concerned of making my mother happy. After all, I must be a nuisance, right? She never loved me, since she never loved children. But somewhere deep in her heart, she must love me, right? A mother couldn’t fully despise her child! Despite all of the hurtful comments…
It was because of “father”. Sick psycho pretending to be the perfect man, but in reality steals our money and cheats on my mother with younger women. He insisted on having a child, which unfortunately had to be me.
To think I am the daughter of such a man.
This is why I feel useless. This is why I’d like to die, but I’m not completely on the edge, hopefully. I still don’t do selfharm. I still shudder of thinking that I won’t live anymore.
However, like any house, I have escape routes.
My contact information. As told before, I like the idea of talking to someone with experience, but maybe, a person with a happy past. I like the influence of positive people. We don’t even need to talk about my situation. Please don’t think of me as an attention whore. Let’s talk about anime, music, maybe we could just toss jokes. Maybe Minecraft. Anything happy to distract me from this depression. Like Bob Ross, hehe.
Please be aware, though… You who talk to me through this will be my light. I will depend my happiness on you who knows my past. But of course, depend on me, too. I, myself, will try to be strong too.
So, well… Hello, Light.