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Hello again

by Jazzmoses
written by Jazzmoses

It’s been a very, very long time. Last time I posted something, I was a freshman in high school and my mom had just left.

I am now a senior in high school, hoping to graduate, and struggling. I somehow turned into one of those kids that don’t try in school. The ones that go to school with bruised knuckles after having punched a wall out of anger. I thought that was incredibly stupid of them. Now I’m typing with bruised knuckles, a result of anger. Not anger at the life that was given me, but at myself.

So much crap has happened over the years, so I’ll try to keep it simple. For any of you who care.

Mom left to Mexico, I moved in with my dad. After a while I started to couch surf at my sisters’ places. I stayed at one of their places too long, we ended up hating each other for a while, moved back with my dad. Started staying at ANOTHER sister’s place, never went back home again. Dad rented his house to someone else, moved in with uncle in the next town. I secretly moved in with my boyfriend, turned eighteen, told my dad after a while. I dropped college, decided to concentrate on high school, didn’t concentrate on high school, had many breakdowns until, a couple of days ago, I had a mental meltdown. I go batshit insane trying to kill myself, stopping myself, regretting stopping myself, trying to convince myself, stopping again.

I stopped talking for a short bit. I stopped singing at the college Jazz choir. I completely stopped functioning. My chest would hurt once in a while, sharp shooting pains, when I tried to think and sort things out. I couldn’t feel music anymore, I still can’t. I can’t taste food. I can’t laugh very much. I can’t. Can’t.

Tony helped me go to the doctor. After all of these years, I’ve forgotten I was sick. He didn’t know I was sick. At least, he didn’t think I was serious. Now he’s scared as hell but he manages to still laugh a little and joke a little. I forget that I’m sick. When he makes me giggle I still hurt, and the giggle feels like a sob stuck in my throat. Am I really sick? He’s been by my side most of the time since it happened. He’s cradled me and held my hand and made me food and brushed my hair. Tomorrow I work and I’m a little scared of leaving his side. I was terrified today when I was going to the college for choir. I feel like a baby, weening.

I’ve finally been sleeping. And I’ve been letting him sleep too. Before this, I was terrified of sleep. I felt like I was losing time. But I’ve finally been sleeping. I am so exhausted. I am tired every second of the day. But I can finally close my eyes, with less regret.

 

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Hello again

by DoubleZero
written by DoubleZero

Hello again, everyone.
I know, most of you don’t know you, and the ones who do probably don’t remember me, but that’s ok.

I posted a few things some weeks ago, and talking with all of you made me realized I wanted to be better. I even start looking College where I can study psychology, Weird.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter now.
I wanted to apologize for not being around. I had you all in my mind all of this time, I prayed for all of you, but I didn’t feel strong enough to enter this site.

Now, I don’t feel strong enough to do anything, really.

I decided I won’t make it to my 26th birthday.
I’m SO tired of being a failure, and watching people my age or younger do amazing things, and travel the world, and do what they love, and love what they do, and have friends, jobs, and a stable family, and… I have nothing. I don’t have a reason to live anymore. I’m 100% sure now that my mother will be just fine without me. I wanted to read a book that came out this month but, oh, surprise, I don’t even have the money to buy a stupid book. And I won’t have it, because my debts are +80.000$ so, yeah. Not having a job and owing so much money… doesn’t look like I’ll travel the world, right?

So, I refuse to see myself become a 26-years-old me. I mean, that’s MORE THAN A QUARTER OF A CENTURY. I can’t justify my life anymore. I’m just a waste of space (well, I’ve been sleeping on the floor of the dinning room for months, but besides that….).

I want to have a little dignity, and I won’t if I turn 26.

I have a little more than a month to read some books that I have but haven’t read, and to watch the movies I want and can find online.

Have no one to say goodbye to. No one would miss me. And no, I KNOW IT’S LIKE THAT, don’t try and say otherwise.

You all have been a great help for this last couple of weeks. Made me realized there’s nothing specifically wrong /with me/. Some people are not meant for this world, I guess.

Can’t live sad and frustrated and angry and lonely anymore.

If you want to, stay strong.
If you don’t, it’s OK to give up on this life.

Love you all.

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Coping SkillsGeneralStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

Hello to the World.

by InTheShadow
written by InTheShadow

Hello all, please forgive me if my English is weird. It is not my first language.

Anyways here goes nothing and I am new here:

I have been wandering on Internet and seeking suitable suicide-related or depression-related websites. I stumbled across this website and had thought about signing up. So I did and started out by reading how others deal with their side of Depression and stories. We live in different places so maybe there are some alternative ways of coping stress-related or anything negative. I have been suffering from depression for more than a decade now and at times, self-harm for pain relief. I have been in and out of hospital due to Depression but I am living and breathing here. Constantly I did not know why I am still living here or even facing challenges in my life when I couldn’t even handle myself. However, I take things in a different way.

If I can’t handle this way, what about the other ways? I want to use my experience in coping Depression to help others.

A lot of people had mentioned that I am too kind but this is the way I am. I want to help people and to listen or to read about their problems. Despite all that, I’m a human as well. I have my fair share of ups and downs. I believed and very aware that people other than myself have experienced way more than I do. There are some situations that I have not been through so I can only imagine how it feels like and give positive encouragements to those who need it. Yes, life doesn’t always get better, still at some point, you will find it more meaningful in a positive way. That will be the time you can actually see the bright side of your life (and mine too). Depression doesn’t need a reason to explain. It can be anything and everything. Sometimes, all you need is some alone time. Anywhere far from the very things and/or people that hurt you and a serene place for you to think about things you like. I find that taking a walk in the morning is really relaxing because it is not the peak period of people coming out. You can observe how the stalls and shops being set up or how the nature sounds like. When the morning sun shone on my face, I feel energized, happy and relaxed.

Yes, I still have to face work related issues and family issues (I’m 24 btw). I would still have to face my own Depression and on my medications as well. Controlling the intake of my anti-depressants works because I did not want to rely on them too much. However, it is not a good choice. Kindly seek medical assistance and talk to your doctor when it comes to medications for Depression and anything related to it. It’s not wise to throw it away or change the dosage without seeking medical advise. If anyone needs to write emails to me (if you want) about your problems, I can try my best to give encouragements and also to be of a reader to your problems. Like I have said, there are things that I did not experience so I can only imagine of how you feel and putting myself in your shoes to think of the best ways to resolve.

Thanks for reading!

My email: yukichiitouya@gmail.com (Don’t spam it please).

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Hello darkness my old friend.. (Long rant, post, vent, shit thing..)

by worn_out_soul
written by worn_out_soul

You’ve come back again, and here i am again.. i thought last time was the last time that’d id post because i was officially out of the shit hole i was in.. i have a feeling there are going to be more of those situations to come in the future, maybe this will be the last time.. Hopefully the light will shine sometime soon.. For those of you still hanging on, i fucking envy you, you guys are the strongest people i probably know in my life right now.. I mean I’m still hanging on, but running on fumes, i don’t know how you guys are but in all honesty i just hope it gets better.. For those of you that have made it to the end of the tunnel, and reached the light, ya mind sharing some over here? I can’t see shit.. Any way i really admire you guys too.. You’ve reached your destination and are still proceeding to look back at the hole you were in, and help pull people out.. you guys are awesome.

Right now, life just stinks, i am trying to get out of the place i am in right now and.. It’s hard. I am in the process of getting a license but its taking forever.. I know i’m close to the end.. But i don’t know if i want out of this house i built half my life in anymore.. I think i just want out of life.. i mean think about it, you get rid of one problem and another comes. Is that life? Is this what life is all about? I don’t want that… i look at so many people everyday and see them laughing and smiling with there families and there kids and apple pie and whole 9 yards i mean it all looks so perfect.. I managed to talk to one of those strangers the other day, i have no idea the conversation caught on but it eventually ended up with me telling him congrats on his new family and life and you guys look so happy and cherish it, its a wonderful blessing etc. Turns out the is on his way out the door.. Leaving his two kids and wife.. brand new fucking family and just up an leaving.. Because he doesn’t want to deal with it.. He was only 20 something and he figured he had them to early and he wants to go and live life.. sorry fucking excuse but Jesus what a tragedy. It was all smoke and mirrors the whole time, everyone is carrying burdens. No one I’ve met is at peace with anything. I have heard a shit ton of stories, everything from beating up their dad to committing suicide.. That last one honestly doesn’t sound like a bad idea because life doesn’t sound like it gets better at all.. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but it used to just be an idea in my head.. “What if i just ended it all?” i would ask myself.. Every time a bad situation would come, it would go straight to that.. Now it’s “How can i kill myself without anyone knowing?” or “What would be the most painless way too go?” And i just sit there and think it through. I’ve literally already made plans, and am taking steps, baby steps but i’m taking steps. It’s so tempting to leap… But i don’t have the guts to do it.. i cant go through with it, im to much of a fucking *****.. I’ll just randomly say, i am a firm believer in God and hope and destiny and we’re all here for a reason and all that.. But everyday i wake up and i think why did i? Why did i today? What is so important today that i have to be alive.. and nothing happens either.. so i guess i was meant sit in my house and do absolutely nothing but feel depressed. I can’t think of a reason.. This is a really long post so I’m going to just stop here.. I’m sorry if its really long, if you made it through, please don’t just skip this.. Just please answer me, is anyone fully out of the woods yet? If so please help me out.

 

Also please forgive me if i make errors or at times make no sense or contradict myself in this post, i was just writing whatever came to mind so if you have any questions because you were confused or something than just ask and I’ll clarify.

Thanks.

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“new” guy here

by Puronee
written by Puronee

After 2 months of just reading and just staying in the sideline i now had the courage to register , i stumbled upon this site and its amazing because i have never felt the same with some people here and ofcourse the envy of others finally getting what some of us want to do. you guys might not see me again because im not much to talk but my lifes been getting worse so we’ll see i guess.

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Chronic PainI Will Survive

Hello again, world!

by Cordless
written by Cordless

ok-with-this

After four days of being sick and near-bedridden because of the usual health issues, I was FINALLY able to get out today.

I was able to get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to one of my favorite WiFi spots.

I realize I should be used to it by now, but it’s just such an awful feeling to be trapped indoors like I am sometimes.  It’s like being an animal caught in a trap.  Stuck in bed, with bones hurting anytime I try to move.  Rolling over in bed was something so difficult that it occasionally required pain meds.

And sometimes the pain meds just don’t work.

But here I am now, finally able to get out again, at least for a while.

I am going to enjoy every last bit of this day.
Thank goodness for the sunshine, thank goodness for being able to get up and shower, thank goodness for these leg braces that allow me to walk around a little.

And thank goodness also for places with free WiFi and free refills.  😉

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Hello from bed.

by Cordless
written by Cordless

This amused me:

http://www.theonion.com/article/report-getting-out-bed-morning-sharply-increases-r-52430

Sure, it’s satire, and somehow also unmistakably true.
Although I must admit, I’ve been stuck in bed since Tuesday night (the usual health issues), and things aren’t much better here either.

On the bright side, the health issues attacked at the same time as a load of winter weather crap, so I wouldn’t have been able to make it outside either way.

Enough about me.
How are the rest of you?
Did YOU make it out of bed today, and if so, did things get rapidly worse like the article said?

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Hello, I am fairly new here..

by phony_smile
written by phony_smile

I feel like shit.

One of things I absolutely hate is the fact that we no longer live a normal life anymore.

My father is jobless, and my mother works freelance at the company where my dad used to work at. For months now, he’s been jobless and he’s been living with us in the apartment I’ve been using for college. Currently, he applied to some company abroad, whereas he’s been waiting for his papers’ approval. We’ve tried telling him to work at the company he worked at before but he absolutely hates it there, so no question about him wanting to go back otherwise it’d lead to another quarrel.

So, as much as possible I try to avoid it.

Not only would it lead to horrible screaming and banging, but it would also lead to me not wanting to give a fuck with life anymore—especially myself.
Mother had learned about my self-harming. She’s seen it herself.

It happened when my parents were fighting about my aunt. She’d been freeloading at our place for 6 months—used our money for gambling and other personal businesses which we don’t butt into just because. Somehow during that time, we’d been bankrupt, but we still managed to give money to the people in need. Then when the screaming got really intense, I was scratching my hands—the same hands that I need to use for a living—until they somehow bled. I never noticed.

Not thinking about the debts we have, mother still tried her best to bring money to the house despite it being father’s job. We’ve been keeping it a secret from him and god it’s been so damn difficult.
I can’t even let it out because mother might break down as well, knowing the strong child they have has given up.

I can’t cry. I can’t speak. I can’t bring myself to express it to anyone but myself.

I’ve tried talking to several people online, hoping they would give me advice. They called me a brat.
I’ve tried asking money from a couple of friends. They gave me. But I feel guilty for not having to pay them.
As much as I want to help, there’s nothing that I can do but to observe and do nothing.

That’s from the last page of my diary..
—

Things have gotten much worse.
It’s been a whole year since I’ve been keeping things bottled up, and a whole month since I’ve let things go.

I’ve resorted to self harming once again.
My friends have told me off that they understand I need relief, and that I should find an alternative like using rubber bands and hitting myself.

I used it. And it wasn’t the same.

I get nightmares.
And I’m possibly suffering from ‘delayed PTSD’ as what my therapist best friend told me.

I flinch at the simplest loud noises.
My heart palpitates when I hear screaming, and my memories of my father nearly committing suicide in front of me and my mother’s eyes are relived. The first time was at age 5. The second one just last year..

I can’t handle any more pressure, because I end up crying and shaking. And if it gets worse, I resort to cutting again.

I’ll be seeing a new counsellor on monday, and I’m scared he might judge me for all this..

This is my first post.. And that’s what’s on my mind so far..

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Everything Burns… In the End

by Zetsumei
written by Zetsumei

Hello, Father. I never did live up to your expectations… Well, I guess I should thank you for creating me… That is creating this monster that shouldn’t exist! Even if it was just a chemical imbalance, it’s far too late to change anything! This family is already broken. Yet, you are too blinded to realize your actions are doing more harm than good. Enjoy your “freedom”, father.

Hello, Mother. You tell me to ignore the irrationality of father but it doesn’t matter anymore. A madness far worse than depression has already set in. It’s rather funny if you think about it… A one million dollar investment ruined by suicide. You don’t know it yet but you’re better off forgetting I even existed.

Hello, Brother. Sorry for making Mom cry. I’m quite surprised I’m the only one that snapped in this cursed family.

Hello, Not Interested in Life. It seems you already have several men interested in you so I guess I’m not needed. I wonder if I’m the only one of your “suitors” that is around your age. There’s not much I can say that won’t sound “fake” to you, is there? However, I can’t do “fake” since I’m quite numb. There’s no point in lying when you have nothing to lose, after all. Oh well, if I become a ghost, I’ll haunt your online boyfriend until he realizes how special you truly are. Your loyalty is truly astounding in this type of world. I would say having you as a girlfriend is comparable to winning the lottery three times in a row. If you don’t understand what I mean, just ask Hazy Day Sunflower about Powerball.

I hope writing this didn’t sap all of the energy I had for the day. Meh… *probably loses consciousness in front of laptop in next 10 seconds or so*

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Hello

by Costy
written by Costy

Hello guys. I think I will go next month when I will turn 20. Atheism is right. I ‘ve been through a lot of shit and I think everything is meaningless. Now some of you will say stay alive, some will shut up and some will say go through it. And I think I will go through it. What can be better than eternal silence?

We are just made/evolved so we can reproduce and carry on the species.Everything that happens are just chemicals in our brain. I am really tired. And I hate the most those people that say that life is worth living however it is . NO. ABSOLUTLY NO. For some living can be good, for others no. Goodbye guys..

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GeneralRants

Hello again

by Misfit27
written by Misfit27

Well, hello again. Not completely sure what I want to say to be honest. I guess, firstly, thank you to those who read my last post, and to those who commented, I’m sorry I didn’t reply to any of you. I wanted to but I didn’t feel up to it for some reason. Anyway, yet again I have something I would like to share.

So, my parents went away on some trip for 4 days. My youngest brother and I got to stay home alone, whilst my other brother went to our grandparents. Anyway, my little brother (let’s call him John for now) and I had a good time. And it’s been the first time in a while I’ve not felt like complete shit constantly. I wasn’t exactly happy but I wasn’t feeling too horrible. We spent our time eating and binge watching television. It was good spending time with just him. He’s so innocent and good. The last 2 nights, after he went to bed I felt pretty shitty so I went and just drank a bit. It felt nice. It’s been so long since I’ve had a decent amount of alcohol. Overall, I wasn’t that bad. But then this afternoon, my parents got home. No more than 10 seconds after the door opened, my mother began complaining about what a mess we’d made of the place. I have no idea what she was on about. We’d done our dishes, cleaned up everything and the place was fine. Then she began nagging at me because I hadn’t helped John do his homework. All I had done was forgotten about it. It’s not my fault I have a terrible memory. If someone tells me something I’ll probably forget it 5 minutes later. After that, both our parents went out for a while. I cleaned up a wee bit after they left and I thought about how shit I was feeling. And as I began walking to my room to get my knife and cut my flesh once more, the car pulled into the driveway.

So, now I lay here on my bed, feeling terrible once more. I know my mother did not mean to hurt me and it’s such a little thing but now I just feel shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But so often they just get me down. Long story short, I feel like shit once again after an alright few days. I’m not even sure why I decided to write this. I guess I just want to share it for some silly reason. Anyway, I hope everyone is alright. Love you all and stay awesome.

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Hello my fellow psychos, freaks, liars, etc.

by thelost
written by thelost

Here I am again, back in this place where only sadness lingers .True, there is some good things on this sight. Stories of triumph and happiness, but even the best among them are shadowed by the disorder we suffer from. We have all bled from countless wounds, and left unhealed they would have killed us. Many of us only have minor bandages upon them, nothing to save us from the slow bleed of our will to live leaving us. I know that we can be saved, we could fix everything wrong with us, but something went wrong with us on a fundamental level. I was born with a predisposition towards this, and due to that I’ve been dealing with at least minor depression since I was too young to remember. There are others out there who have inherited this, and we have been damaged from the very beginning, there was no savior for us, only fighting without knowing what were to fight against. The others here though, they have been hurt in ways we cannot imagine. They have gone through terrors and atrocities we would have died from. They are strong, they have encountered bad in their life, but it is almost balanced from the strength gathered from each encounter. Not to say we are any less than them, but unlike them we have earned our strength from years of minor torture, there may be no defining moment in any of our lives to show when this all began, but we have reached the same lows as them from a slow process. This is not something to divide us, but something to understand. Inside each and every one of us there is a beast that wished to devour our souls and our hearts. We cannot allow it to do so. We will fight with every breath left in our lives, for we are strong, we are wise, and we are depressed.

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Hello.

by viola
written by viola

I am going to attempt a suicide on the 30th of November, which is next month. I feel that everything’s too hard, that my feelings keep being played with by others, that most of my dreams end up failing no matter how hard I try. I want to get out of this state of despair but I can’t, it’s too hard. How am I supposed to get out of this state when life’s too harsh on me? And even if I do get out, life’s always going to get harder and harder, making the chance of me attempting to suicide again even greater. I want to ask help from others but I think they might worry about me too much, which will make me think that I am an inconvenience to others. If I am going to kill myself, one of my last wishes is to be friends with this person who I have a crush on right now. However, I am too weak and my crush probably thinks that I am weird because he barely answers my messages and if he does, he usually replies with a word or two. I want to tell my crush that I just want to be friends with him and that it’s sort of my dying wish and that I want him to notice me (Yes, it’s cliche, but at this point in my life, who the hell cares?) for once instead of acting like sort of a snob to me. I don’t even know if he’s acting like a snob or he just replies with a few words to everyone, it’s what my friends suggested to me.

But, I have dance class and stuff, which is good, since it is one of the few things that doesn’t make me think of suicide. I believe that if I keep thinking, “No, I can’t suicide, I still have dance with me,” then maybe I’ll be able to not kill myself. But the problem is, I was put into a science school and that if I decide to switch schools so that I can focus on dance more, I have to pay a large amount of money to the school because my scholarship should’ve been given to someone else and that we have to pay back. I think going to that science high school was very impulsive of me because I didn’t know that I would suffer this much and I was mainly thinking about the scholarship I got to that school. I should’ve focused on dance more. But I guess, it’s too late to back out now. (The science school also is very stressful, compared to other schools.)

So now, I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t want to be a scientist anymore, I want to be a dancer instead. But at the same time, I don’t want waste the scholarship for the science school I am in right now. And at the same time, I want to kill myself but there’s something to live for (dance) and if I am going to kill myself, I don’t think my last wish would be fulfilled, which is being friends with my crush.

I think my life’s a huge mess right now. I’m barely even genuinely happy. What should I do?

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Hello my Lovelies!

by Take a Deep Breath
written by Take a Deep Breath

I know the last couple of my posts have been nature based, but I can’t seem to get away from it (figuratively, not literally, cause we all live in Nature, hehe). I am over-flowering (ah geeze, nature puns heh) with a need to branch out (here we go again) and take the thorns (that’s he last one I promise) from your sides. I wish my words could block the negativity plaguing your hearts- but I can’t. Not fully anyway. I hope you all, my lovelies, took my advice from yesterday and made someone’s day a tid-bit brighter. In fact, I took my own advice and told a woman who was behind me in the checkout line at K-Mart that her pink flats were “positively adorable.” For a second, she just stared at me- she looked like I had called her a C.U. Next Tuesday (I don’t enjoy typing or saying that word, so I use an acronym). I was about to turn around in defeat when a tiny smile popped on her face.  A little shine returned to her eyes, and she said “You think so?” I said “Heck yes!” I was absolutely jazzed- I gotta do this more often 🙂

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Hello again

by i_cant_think_of_a_name
written by i_cant_think_of_a_name

I’m back. It’s been awhile, though little has gotten better.. School is stressing me out, one of my close friends has gone distant, and the cherry on top: my stepdad (the only father I’ve ever had in my life) has Kidney cancer… I tried to tell my friend about it, and she flat out says “I don’t want any bad news.” And I’m dumbfounded, so I apologize.. For trying to tell her something important, what’s wrong with me? And how could a friend be so ignorant to another friend’s problem… Especially one as bad as a family member having cancer. Heh.. It’s easier to tell strangers on some website about my stepdad’s cancer.. Than it is to tell a good friend. I don’t know what to do… I just want to find support in a friend, but that seems impossible. Apologies that I’ve gone on a rant.

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Hello.

by lovelyrain
written by lovelyrain

Hello, everyone.

I am a miserable person, I hate my life. I know nothing will ever be perfect for me. Pointless. I am nothing more than a catfish, ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside.

I can’t go anywhere, I can’t see anyone, I can’t do anything. I am so tired of being so despised.

Sometimes I think I can do this, I can live like a normal person, but I can’t.

Happiness is so fleeting.

I long for that little rush of adrenaline that comes from someone loving you, but when they find out who I am they always leave me. Even if I tell you too much about me, or you get to know me too well, I promise you will end up disliking me.

I am awful, I find joy in the worst things. I am so terrible. I can’t live like this anymore, I hate my body and I hate my personality. I pray that when I die, I will become a new person. Someone who loves their life. Who finds love.

That’s what I want so badly. To be loved. Unfortunately, I know that it is impossible for anyone to love me as the human being I am right now. I am unlikable and a bad person, and a liar. It’s impossible.

Anyways, I used to plan to end my life on my 29th birthday. I am impatient, I don’t know when to do it.

I thank you for reading this, it is kind of you to have finished my post when I sound so boring and miserable. Ha. Anyways. ????? (for now.)

 

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Happy.

by Costy
written by Costy

 

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Hello guys. My name is Costy, I’m 19 and I am from Romania. I won against depression and this is my last post. I went to some train tracks to make fun of them.. such irony 😀 I love you all and I hope you will find peace no matter what you do. Goodbye :*

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I don’t got much left

by Bisban
written by Bisban

 

Hello, friend
Yours, horrid and gruesome
I’m sorry if you ever saw in sludge
How can it ever to a profound if I can’t even stand
Friend, the title of this one is
What do I do in this alone
My naval clan still yet to comprehend
The objective, of the Grimer
If you dare

“…”

If you reach, in the pits
Revolve, from the viscous matter
Just for a moment
To take on, the damned

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