Im Giving up.

*spoiler* this is a suicide note.

Once upon a time i genuinely thought that i could get through this.
I thought that despite how bad i felt i could fight these feelings and actually win the battle to depression.

Im 19.

I started having thoughts of suicide at the age of 13.
I acted upon these feelings at age 15, & was then taken into a mental health facility for adolecent teenagers like me.

During my time there me and few other teenagers who were also “mentally ill” felt that we were treated unfairly.
I think at one point it got so bad that we would hold little secret meetings that would last up to about 5 minutes planning out in detail how we would escape.
Two out of the 5 of us managed to escape the facility..
One out of the two of them got caught and was placed in a more secure unit.
The girl that was caught was so desperate to get out of there and kill herself that when they found her she had jumped into a dirty river to get away.

It was certainly understandable why she wanted to die so badly..
She was only 13 at the time she entered the facility but she had been through way too much for a person of her age.
For starters, sadly she didnt know who her real parents were and she had been in foster care for a while until it came to light that both her careers where molesting her.
She also had extremely violent thoughts to the point that she had written a diary detailed to perfection as to how she was going to kill and then even eat a boy who was bullying her in school at the time.
All this came to light because she actually acted upon her plan but only managed to bite off the boys ear, thats why she ended up in the facility.

I’ll never forget that girl.

Anyways, during my time there i began to realise that nobody cared about me.. And ever would.

My mum only visited me a few times, and when it came to my review meetings with the doctors she would actually persist that i stay there.
She didnt want her 15 year old daughter back home with her.

My closest friends would visit at first..
But then the visits would stop.
I was beginning to be forgotten by everbody.
It was so lonely.
Even if i wanted to kill myself i couldnt.. Because during the day i’d be watched like a hawk. And during the night.. Almost every 15 minutes a man would shine a torch light into my room to make sure that i was sleeping.

Before i left the facility i made a promise to myself that i wouldnt end up back there. And that if i was going to kill myself, that it would be done properly.

Returning back home was weird.
Entering back into the real world was almost spooky.
Being able to walk around by myself without supervision for the first few days of being home was one of the things few things i cherished the most.

Well.. That is until my anxiety developed and got the best of me.

Tbh, by age 16 i pretty much spent my time hiding at home, hiding from the world, from people, from friends, from anything that would cause me anxiety.
I spent my time laying on my bed, hiding under my duvet cover wondering why i was such a failure.
I actually spent a year and a half at hiding away at home (everyday) before entering the real world again.
And While i was at home spending time with the only person i hated, ( me ) i would tend to dwell on all the things that had happened to me that i never really got over..

I used to think about reasons as to why i was severly bullied in school, reasons as to why my dad would make me sleep on the stairs for days and lock the kitchen door preventing me from eating because of his own anger issues, reasons as to why i was sexually abused at such a young age by such close family friends,
Reasons as to why my mum and brothers hated me so much and would constantly call me all names under the sun to hurt my feelings, reasons as to why i felt so ugly, reasons as to why i was shouted at for self harming considering i felt it was my only escape.

I would constantly search for reasons, but i would find zero answers until i started thinking about everything in a philosophical sense.
At age 16 i had come to the conclusion that life is exactly what it portrays itself to be. That life promises us nothing, can be extremely unfair and that the solution to a good life is that we either find a way to deal with our issues and look for purpose as a distraction.. or we kill ourselves.

So for years on i would search for a way to make myself feel “normal” .. I would do everything in my power to simply feel “good” .. But unfortunately, Even after jumping from religion to religion, from meditation techniques to simple positive thinking.. I found myself in an even deeper hole that i could never really climb out from.

At age 18 i was diagnosed with Bpd, Ocd and psycotic depression.

When i finally decided to stop hiding away at home & venture into the real world, which by the way consisted of talking to my friends & getting back into education etc.. I would cope by masking all my pain and putting on the “perfect” front. It actually got to the point that the mask i was using to disguise the real me would even help other people with their problems and issues. I became a bloody doormat to the people that needed my help.
I would even get calls at 5am in the morning by “friends” crying their eyes out complaining about their relationship issues.
But you know what.. Despite how much they used me to help with their own issues.. I didnt mind helping them..
In fact the idea of them at least being able to smile after we would speak left me feeling good.
It left me feeling a little positive in the sense that i could prevent a human being from ending up the way i felt.

Its just sad that when it came to my own issues i couldnt use the mask that i had created.
It was fake! And i was the only person who knew that.
I was the only person who I could turn to.. And bit by it.. The stress of not being able to cope was building up.

I knew that sooner or later i would explode.

And eventually i did. I started to crumble and my mask began to fall.
Sadly, because i hadnt dealt with so many issues that had taken place in my life as a child.. They would then begin to take effect in me as an adult.
For e.g
I would frequently be approached by males asking me to go out on dates with them.. Which 90 times out of 100 i would decline because i hadnt dealt with the feelings of abandonment and sexual abuse that my abusers left me with when they were out of my life.
(Its so bad i havent been able to bring myself to having sex since the age of eight)

Anyways, because i couldnt get past this.. And still cant.. I pretty much made a decision that it would be best for my emotional well being to be single for the rest of my life.
Indeed a very hard decision to make because in the process i have turnt down and hurt so many people who were beautiful inside and out as a result of my emotional instability.

It gets worse..

But to cut this long story short,

The mask that i built up so perfectly as a disguise has now finally reached its sell by date.

I have come to a decision that i cannot allow myself to helplessly watch on as i begin to crumble without being able to do anything to stop it.

I’ve had much thought upon this and in doing so have come to the decision to take my life once again.

This decision was not easy. I have felt depressed for years but never like this.

I havent made an attempt upon my life since i was 15 because i believe if your going to do it, do it properly.

Im thankful for all the people who have somehow managed to love and maybe even care for me after seeing a glimpse of the ” real me ”

Im thankful for getting an oppurtunity to meet so many beautiful, talented and amazing human beings that i shall never forget.

Im sorry for causing my brothers, my mum, and my dad so much pain and sorrow whilst having to put up with my shit.

Mum im sorry you didnt get your dream daughter, im sorry that this life gave you the opposite of what you yearned for.
Im sorry i couldnt be like all the girls you kept telling me to take notes from.
Im sorry i wasnt good enough for you.
I really do love you and im sorry i caused you so much pain. But now you have a chance to enjoy your life and live without angsts.

To my brothers and my dad.. Im sorry for putting you all through this. After my death please dont take it upon yourselves to feel sad..
Now you wont have to constantly worry, you can finally be free and live the happy lives you deserve.

Oh and dad.. Thanks for trying to be there for me lately. You have been such a good rock the past couple of months and i couldnt ask for someone more supporting..
Think of this as God finally taking back his broken child.. Relieving her from the pain she can no longer face.

To my beautiful close friends.. You may have not understood the pain. But thanks for all the laughs and crazy banter that we shared. It eased the pain along this tiresome journey. I’ll miss you. Espcially you leksh.
I love u more than words can describe my little slut bag haha!
I still have the letter you wrote me on my birthday in my jewellery box. Its so beautiful.
I’ll never forget your infectious laugh and strangely that strong gorgeous scent of perfume you always have on you.. (Always smelling top notch haha!) I’ll also never forget the patience you had with me whilst knowing i was going through hell.. I appreciate it, all of it.

And for anyone who cared, thank u, i love you.

Heres some wise words from me to you as you continue on with your journey in life.

Please, do not ever take to heart people’s opionions and thoughts as to who YOU are. You know who YOU are! BE the best version of yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, treat yourself as if you were looking after your new born baby. Cherish your life, applaud yourself. Do not give anyone the oppurtunity to hurt you,

Would you give anyone the oppurtunity to hurt your new born baby?

Also remember that it is okay to make mistakes. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Do not fear your mistakes, learn from them, grow from them. You have one life to experience your heart desires, go out there and fucking experience them!

But most importantly.. Keep in mind that the road to life may get a little bumpy.. But that is life!
Life comes with no promises, however YOU have the power to decide what you want to believe and what you want to internalise.. So even if the whole world is telling you “no” ..So long as you keep telling yourself ” YES” your opinion is all that matters if its making you happy.

Dont end up the way i did ok.
Keep positive people around you, positive vibrations around you and always encourage yourself no matter how hard things get.

So..

I’ll leave Quoting one of the most beautifulest of songs that i use to sing along to as a child whilst watching the sound of music.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen..

..

Goodbye.