Where do I start?
In a way I feel I have no right to be here. I’ve tried talking to others but repeatedly told my problems aren’t as bad as my sisters. Just first born problems I guess, feeling sorry for myself. I can’t fuck-ass around anymore, this is reality. As if I need to be told. Is my parent’s divorce reality enough? How about my sisters cutting, real enough for ya? how about not being able to sleep without feeling guilty about something: being a burden to my dad, an ungrateful daughter to my psychotic mum(emotional blackmailer, physically abusive to my sister and dad, compulsive liar: Told the doctor that my dad kicked her out from beneath her legs and punched, strangled and kicked her in the head. also said that that’s why she has a lump in her throat.)
I can’t really talk can I. There’s kids in Africa, my sisters STD’s and health problems, my dad working his ass off to provide and getting harassed by my mum as well as anyone else who is a friend or associate of his. I’m not strong enough to cut, I’ve tried it but it just wasn’t satisfying. Tried hanging, but I couldn’t even get that right. Stepping out in traffic, no too pathetic to do it.
When I finally tried reaching out again I got told that my sister has it worse than I do. She has health problems this, She cut’s herself that, She gets bullied, she has STD’s, she has asthma, she’s an epileptic, She was physically abused and so on. Yep how can I compete with that. I have no right. I was told that at least I have my art and drawing to turn to for expression, all she has is cutting. You have talent to do something, she doesn’t. Yeah, sure. Art is an expression, a talent, an emotional support. But It’s a passion, I use it when I want to. If I feel like shit I’m not gonna want to paint or draw. I need to be irrational. I may not succeed in cutting or hanging, but I found something I can do that will never see the light of day.
I punch the tree in the backyard every night before I go to bed, the old 1-2 until my knuckles bleed. My resolution. I always wear these finger less gloves that covers my knuckles, so no-one can ever be suspicious. the follow up bruising and pain compensates for things I do during the day that I get wrong or can’t do right. Like every other day, just being a fat useless blob of crap. worthless and insignificant. Even writing this has been a form of “fuck-assing” around. That means an extra dose of tree trunking my fists tonight.
I’ve grown up privileged. I’ve always been provided with whatever I needed and I have two great families, which is two more that most people have. Nevertheless, I can’t just keep “living” in fear of being a monstrous disappointment to my families. Doing myself in would mean 19 years of a wasted investment of time, money , love, friendship etc. So Ill just keep punching the tree until I’m numb enough to get to sleep. Pathetic right.
11 comments
Thank you for the tree trunking my fists statement…you gave me a smile. It’s not pathetic. If your family is comparing your problems to your sisters, that’s pathetic. People deal with shit differently. The whole babying and patting her back while your sister cuts herself thing, fucking gross.
I’m glad you found something (the tree thing) that makes you feel better. If i could have my precious dull scissor to my thigh days back, oh the wonders I could discover once again.
@jennjenn hi! waves! 😀
Hey Cephalus (dont know how to make a smiley)
Your welcome 😀 I’m happy making others smile and laugh. It lessens my pain. I just think that any problem i have is just one of those “first world problem” scenarios. I Love my sister on and off but it gets unbearable sometimes thinking that if I talk out to anyone i know they’ll just tell me things will get better or its a phase or at least you can draw your problems and such. I need physical pain, equal to emotional. Something that can outweigh the other. There’s more to this that i can’t bore anyone with, but thank you for understanding. I’m surprised I even got a reply.
Idk if you will get this, how this damn site works. You may have to be in a mood to be creative, but it could lead to something great. I know a guy, draws amazing, i think he should be a tattoo artist, but hes a needle baby, so whatevs. BUT, he had an idea, went through a terrible divorve and turned his “stupid art gaming bs”, into some money. Just because you don’t see it now doesn’t mean it won’t happen for you.
You have every right to be here… I think if most people here knew me, they’d look at me and say WTF are you doing here! The point is its not about how others feel or perceive, its about those internal feelings. I’ve often found those that receive the most sympathy are those that know how to complain the best.
My suspicion is you don’t really want sympathy, just annoyed that those around you don’t understand, even though they should! They should know better! But they don’t, and they probably never will. Oh well. Such is life… (Besides, I never found platitudes comforting)
I enjoy your style.
Keep your stick on the ice!
@cephalus. Wow, you are right on point there. Yeah I really don’t want sympathy. What they think is sympathy, is pity to me. Thank you too. I’ve gotten to the point where talking about my boohoo “feelings” to my family and friends has run its course. Every time I open my mouth to them It causes them misery and I know they just don’t want to hear it. Ranting here seems like my only option.
I agree completely that overused comfort strategies are dismal. Its done more harm than good on my mentality.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. It’s given me my lift for the day.
We’ve all got our own problems I can relate to quite a bit of what you said. I’m 19 and adopted and want to commit suicide but can’t. My birth siblings were adopted by a horrid family that abused them and anytime I’m depressed I’m at least you aren’t them. My mom was emotionally and physically abusive. My dad works his assistant off to keep my family going and above ground. All that to say if you want to talk I can probably relate and that even though people are practically saying your feelings are not valid they are and everyone else is just being an insensitive asshole.
Wow spell check messed that up. *ass not assistant.
Cyber-five, im adopted too, as is my sister but most of her problems were because her mum smoke and drank while she was in the womb.My story is sort of similar to yours. Sadistic mother, hard working dad. And then theres the problems in between: those first born expectations, adapting to reality, stress in general, fake personality( pretending to be happy all the time) Is it bad that i enjoy having nightmares? I cant let down my family, the disappointment of me failing something or failing to do anything is daunting. I dont know why really, im always alone. literally. Home alone all the time while my sister hangs with friends and dad goes to his gfs. I cant even have friends over because the house is on the market and i cant go out because I’m only on my learners liscence due tp the lack of teachings, my froends are usually busy when im not and im not close enough to my families to hang with them. Im sorry, this is the depressing shit i had sharing because i know it brings down peoples days. Thankyou for your insight. The feels were strong lol
My spelling is never this bad, sorry 😀