I’ve been thinking seriously about suicide for the past three months… seriously being, thinking of ways to kill myself, with finality, I’ve been considering suicide for the past… two years? Nothing has really changed, but there seems to be a general discontent with my being alive, from my family. I’ve attempted suicide, several times… I took a key from my key ring, and sawed through my wrist, for over an hour… in several spots… this was my first real attempt, and the pain pretty much set me off… for two years, this attempt, is when I started looking at suicide as an answer… as salvation. I wasn’t rushed to the E.R, or even paid any mind, for nearly two weeks after I attempted. This is when I showed my mother the cuts, why did I do this? Because the pain I mentioned… it was from me sawing in to my bone, and my hand (wrist?) was broken. Nobody cared enough about me to notice, still don’t. I was in the hospital for about two hours, waiting, mind you, not talking… when the doctor decided to come in, this is what the he asked: “Wow, I’ve seen a lot of things, but cutting in to yourself with keys, that takes hate. You must really hate yourself, huh? Was this an attempt to kill yourself?” my answer of course was a “No.” with all of his medical training, he asks me again “Are you sure?” my answer of course staying “No.”, so what happens then? I was sent home, with nothing to show my a little tape for my hand and even without a note off for school. That part always amused me.
I’m rambling, I know, I apologize, I’ll get down to it, but I felt you deserved a little backstory.
So, three years later, of pretty consistent verbal and occasionally physical abuse, I’ve decided to just *pop* the weasel. My cousin offered to take me to the gun range on Thursday, to fire off her new handgun. So, I’ve decided that, yeah sure I’ll go, maybe have fun, but I assure myself, I will not leave there alive. “In to the mouth, aim for the bump” so to say.
I’ve truly tried to think of every possible excuse not to… but I can’t seem to think of anything… I can’t find a reason, not to die.
With the way the week is going, I may not even be able make it to Thursday, I’m thinking about opening a vertical in my tub, and just be done with it.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this story… but I think I should… I feel almost compelled, maybe this will act as a suicide note?
The only thing I hope for, is that I die. More than I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to be a vegetable.
I hope they have bacon in hell.
-Dm
1 comment
Oh my god, I know how you feel. No, I seriously know how you feel. I’ve been through so much abuse if I had the balls I would have killed myself long ago. But I didn’t, why? Not only was I too much of a coward, I realized that I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away.
You haven’t found your anchor yet. Your anchor is something, someplace, someone, whatever it may be, that gives you hope and helps you through the day. I have an anchor aside from my epiphany, I have this little sense of hope that I will be able to find my own happiness one day. I read a lot of of books and such and the characters with crappy lives almost always find happiness, and I know it’s stupid but I’ve turned to that in my desperation and for some odd reason it makes me feel better. Find your anchor, if you have no motivation, no goals, make that your goal.
If you can’t find a reason not to die, then that itself is a reason; you want to find a reason to live, thus internally you don’t want to die.
If a stranger like me is trying to help, I know for sure that there will be people in your life that will too. Maybe you haven’t met them yet, or maybe they are there but you haven’t reached out. You don’t need assholes like that “doctor,” he sounds like a bunch of bs that only work for the money.
Talk to me, I’ll listen. I’ll do whatever it takes for you not to kill yourself. If you can’t believe in yourself, then let me believe in you!