where did it start

i don’t know where it all started i got so angry and so upset that i had an urge like no other i could never seem to bring myself to inflict harm on someone else so i started cutting.  oh my gosh at the instant relief you get so i just kept doing it again and again and again.  my first time was with a tack cause i was 14 and did have anything else at the time. then i got older got a pocket knife never cut directly over the wrists i did want to really kill myself just wanted the pain to go away and i did for awhile anyways.  so my mom found out and had me admitted why do they always want to assume that your physco or something.  no one is physco here we just need help.  why do i feel the need to do this.  i got over it for awhile then ran into some really tough times and started again married happily but still was never completely happy had to cut i had to make the pain go away. got pregnant wouldn’t do anything to hurt my baby so i stopped had her and then got pregnant again.  had him now i am being safe about that but now i started cutting again and i have all these thoughts of ending it all but i wouldn’t i have kids a family i couldn’t hurt them but i just want to end it so bad.  I’m escalating i hurt my puppy today i hit her and throw her down for being a puppy and peeing on the floor what is wrong with me i feel like I’m loosing my mind. what do i do.  I’m tired of it i can’t talk to anyone i love my husband but for the life of me i can’t tell him how i really feel or the thoughts going through my head what do i do sometimes i feel like everyone would be better off sometimes i just want to run away what type of mother is that though leaving her children motherless.  but is it for there own good.  they don’t need a crazy mother with the unexplainable scars on her arm. or the pill head because doctors want her to take something to help stabilize her i feel like I’m losing it.  am i crazy am i a horrible mother i feel so worthless