I’ve been on and off in this site for the past four years. I remember creating and deleting a couple of accounts, writing and trashing my posts and I have been doing the same with my life too. I cry, cry and cry and then force myself to go back to my pathetic life thinking it might actually get better someday. I break down into pieces and then collect myself and find a little courage to get it going. I am already tired of repeating the same thing over and over again when its not going to take me anywhere at all. I have lost all hope.Tried everything from meditation to counselling to socializing. I even reached out to a doctor and it was so embarrassing that I couldn’t even express myself properly. Instead, I cried like a baby. Is it just me that I have so much to say or write but the moment I get a chance to do that, I blabber nonsense or just leave teary-eyed. I was given a glass of water to drink and when I realized I was going to explode right there,I left. I’ve never understood myself. Expressing myself is shameful, not expressing is again embarrassing. I can never do something I wouldn’t regret later.
I wish I could believe some part of “lived happily ever after” despite seeing what my parents have to go through everyday. If only I could be a “normal girl” and a girlfriend to someone so I could experience this overrated so-called “love’ for once in my lifetime. If only I could actually not give a damn to all those mean comments aimed at me. If only I could be happy with whatever I’ve got. But, I have never been good enough for me. I feel that I deserve to be unhappy and guilty and depressed and much more.
I was suicidal but I’ve never had the courage to do that or even give a try. Surviving isn’t easy but death looks horrifying too. I guess I just have to cling on to life and wait for the worse. If I’ve learnt anything practically useful amidst tears and sleepless nights, it is that I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow brings to me a more painful, frustrating and miserable day. I try to be even though I’m not mentally prepared for that. But I know I’ll get through. I am quite used to living half-alive.
3 comments
I can relate a lot to your story. Recently I read a book ‘when things fall apart’ by pema chodron I will recommend it to you
Thanks. I’d definitely want to give it a try. I have developed a thing for such titles lately. Sad part is words don’t console me for very long. Reality will crush that any moment. Thanks, though.
Maybe you should commit to going all in even if you might regret what you’ll say later (regarding the doctor you went to). Usually doctors won’t judge you because they are used to dealing with people and they know that it’s really hard to find the way to let out what you have inside, so taking your time to go through that process might help you. Going back might be awkward, but forming bonds (even if they are therapy/professional ones) usually works that way.
I might be wrong here, but you should keep in mind that no one is entitled to anything in this life, so you are partly right when you say you don’t deserve anything, but then, nobody does. The best we can do is try, knowing that it might or might not work, but you do have the choice to at least pursuit it, and nobody has the right to take that away from you, only yourself.