Today, upon waking up from my morning dream, I felt despair in my stomach.
Since a child, I had been told I was different. At first, I thought it made me special and smarter than everyone else. I’d go see doctors to measure my I.Q., though I thought the tests were weak to determine someone’s true learning abilities. I liked the attention, except, it was negative attention. Because, eventually, it turned into medicating me. If I had known, as a child, I would have said, “Please, Mamma, please do not medicate me,” because I now know where this led to. I wish all kids could know, more importantly, parents. When I was labeled, by doctors, it took away the requirement from her and my father, to actually live healthy lifestyles and be positive examples for me. It took away the required love of attention and classes to enroll me in, to bring out my natural talents.
Perhaps, this life was intended to be this way. I cannot say that for sure. But now, years later at the age where eI am really becoming an adult, am I falling apart as I have nothing left to live for? I take that back, I have a lot to live for, except that, it is all out of reach for me right now. I am locked away from family, in a place I truly feel I do not belong to be. While I am here now, temporarily, I truthfully see no positive way out.
Rather than be destructive, I hope creativity will provide a way out of this mess. I have stopped speaking as one step to really maintain an internal focus.
I was told last night, that one day, I’d make a good mother, because the amount of care I have and for knowing what “not to do” as a parent. The part of being a mother though, is for someone to love, and to love me ever-so-much back. I have sabotaged every opportunity to be with a man, perhaps out of spite for my parents which has led me no where. I hope that this can turn around, if not I shall continue this path of no return. Trust me, I’d much rather that this be an upward spiral of great change for a better life. I washing to enroll back into college and finish my degree, go into acting classes, and begin photographing and writing some short film ideas and songs! It’s just, I fail at every attempt in the practice, common sense stuff. my own brother, threw me $10 for food the other day, and it was embarrassing as I’ll get out.
One last part to this, is if I felt there was more time, that’d be different. But, it feels this year, will be year of great turbulence, and since I’ve already gone through hell, so much, I just cannot bare anymore of it. I have seen too much horror already. I’d love to live for peace and celebration, though I feel I have been knocked down by the nay-sayers. Sad as it is, I will require help to get back up. Help, to me, means some real help concerning my general, true well-being. Not medications. No labeling. None of that. I’ve had plenty of that type of craziness for one lifetime.
I’m sad to be leaving this place, if I do. Earth is beautiful garden. This life is a gift. If I could get some help, real help, I’d be all up on it, like a healthy bee to an organic and free-flower.
Is society going to let us greats die? We are all responsible for ourselves. No matter how much blame, I wish to spread around, there is none.
Or am I going to pick myself up off the floor and find a away to value my own life even if no one else does?
I do not know. I am really optimistic, and, the option of leaving, brings a sweet peace. Really, its the leaving of the pain. But, if this life doesn’t get better what more is there?
I want help, I really do, sometimes that means, showing other people how important we are to each other. I’ve gotta stand up and encourage others, yet who will edify and encourage me?
I hope to feel better soon. I hope there really is a positive shift of tracks here.
Please don’t kill yourself.
Please live.
Have patience, it’s going to get batter.
All is possible, with just a little bit of faith right?
Forgive everyone you can, including you, & move on. But how?
….Hope that the answer comes soon.
-Sister of Dove