This is going to be a long post. On Reddit it would be referred to as an “epic” post, but I don’t know who to talk to about this anymore. My friends are sick of my depression and the drama inside my house, so I guess I’m left venting at anonymous individuals behind a keyboard.
A little bit about myself. I have a hard time making friends and meeting new people. Maybe I wasn’t socialized enough as a child, but I’m an introvert. I also suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is pretty terrible, not going to lie. I have an intense fear or hurting people and am always guilt ridden by even the smallest of things. The thought of abandonment petrifies me. Yesterday was my birthday and tomorrow I graduate with a Master’s degree, my second, and yet I feel no joy. I feel fear and loneliness.
This all started about three months ago. I began working with someone, we’ll call him Kins. Being a gay male, a shy one at that, I have a very hard time with dating or meeting people. He and I hit it off right away, and he told me that he is bi. Jackpot right? No. He had a girlfriend at the time. We worked together and nothing happened for a bit. His gf cheated on him, they broke up and got back together. He came to me when she cheated on him venting in frustration. I walked him through it and to recovery.
Well, a month later she cheats on him again. I am there for him and pick him back to being happy, or somewhat happy again. They don’t immediately get back together and in fact he starts talking to me, a lot. We decide to date and go out together. After the date he ghosted on me. Looking back on it, this is the point I should have said fuck it and cut him off, but I didn’t, we had become rather close as friends.
A week later, he is back with his ex girlfriend. This devastated me. The fact that he ghosted me to get together with a tramp, and yet I still stayed friends with him. I knew she would hurt him again, and I was worried about that. The last break up destroyed him, and I was afraid he couldn’t take another. Time goes by and his life goes to shit. His addiction comes back (heroin and opiates) and it ruins his life. I had no idea he was using again (had been clean since January, or so I’m told) and now he was missing shifts at work and in a downward spiral.
His parents keep him under lock and key, and looking back at it, that was probably for the best. However, he lies to me and gets me to get his debit card PIN so he can withdraw all his money, most of which probably went to drugs. I was oblivious of this the entire time, and to this day I feel like I have contributed to ruining his life. A few days after he gets the money he is kicked out of his parents house. (He tells me it’s because of the withdrawal from Suboxone that was stolen, but later I find out it was because he used heroin again and his ***** GF told his parents because he didn’t want to spend time with her at the moment. Fucked up on both accounts, I know).
Three weeks ago I get a call. “Can I stay with you?” We had grown very close, even after all the heartache and I did not hesitate to say yes. Looking back on it, maybe I was a fool that was hoping to get back together with him, and not just lending out a hand to help a friend.
Anyways, he moves in. His addiction is out of control and he owes a lot of money to a lot of people and because of his addiction he is unemployed. I help him. I make good money, so I pay off some of his debts for him. But between the debts, food, and other expenses of living for two people on one income, I am now in the hole almost $3,000.00.
Kins was scheduled for rehab multiple times, and was going down to get treatment, but everytime he was pushed back because people that fully paid got first treatment. He decides he is going to kick the habit without them, and I am there every step of the way. With all this happening his parents demand $300 back from him and he has a break down since he has no way to give it back and they threaten to call the cops. Again, I give him the money. During this time his gf calls, yelling at him for not coming over, even though he is having a breakdown. They breakup…again.
The detoxing begins and I don’t leave his side outside of school and work. We have a lot of talks and he tells me how important I am to him. Without me he would have killed himself (he was hospitalized right before he was kicked out for trying to committ suicide) and that he does still have feelings for me. But…he also says that we can never be more than friends as he doesn’t want to ruin what we have.
Friendzoned by someone I truly cared for. Awesome… I now feel trapped. I have tried to move on, but I’m emotionally attached to him. I’m sexually frustrated, as he tells me about how he wanted to have sex with me or that he dreamt about having sex with me, but doesn’t want to ruin the friendship, and I’m financially destroyed as I did not realize how much helping him recover was going to cost me (total cost so far $3,260.00).
He’s clean now, but severely depressed. He tells me how important I am to him and that without me he would have cracked or not have made it. We both have emotional feelings for each other, we both care greatly for each other, and we both have substantial mental health issues. I need him as much as he needs me, but I have to ask myself, am I good person? I did the right thing by helping a friend in need, right? Living together is only making the attraction to each other worse but if I kick him out he will die, and if he dies I’m not sure I’ll make it.
I want to live, but I don’t think I am living. My illness is crippling me to ensure his health while at the same time destroying mine. I guess I just want to know that it will get better. That I will find a guy I can actually be with. I can find someone that cares for me as much as I care for them. I know if I hurt myself it will destroy him, but maybe that’s the only way. If I go first I won’t have to see the pain it will cause him. I am a prisoner in my own life.
I’m a good person, right? I did the right thing helping, right? It sure doesn’t feel like I’m a good person. I feel….empty.
Jesus I’m so fucking pathetic I should just end it for being such a *****. I am financially, mentally, and emotionally destroyed by this one person and yet he is still the most important person in my life.
4 comments
Well in my own personal opinion, you have done far more than you should have and stuck by his side even after all the pain and mess he caused you.
So yes, you are a good person, but it did take a lot of energy, effort and money from you.
I don’t know if i can say it’s the ‘right’ thing (looking at it from his side, it’s more than just right, it’s also very noble. From your side it might not be so right because of everything it caused you and the times he left you), but you love him so you did everything in order to help him. I’m sure at this point it does and should mean a lot to him.
If he really does love you now and feels attracted to you as he says, maybe it could happen between you two eventually.
If living together makes your attraction higher and higher, it should be better (assuming you still do want it) not worse, so you just have to wait until something happens or until he changes his mind about playing it safe.
Maybe you two can support each other for now especially since he’s all clean now, until you get the chance for your turn to get help with your issues too.
you’re a saint dude, that’s not even debatable. But, you deserve better. It’s a cliche thing to say but you really do. Kins won’t man up and hold your hand until you move on and he sees that you’re longer available to him. It’s what I believe to be the situation; Kins wants to have his cake and eat it to. He wants your love and affection, but he doesn’t want to return and doesn’t seem to have any intentions of ever returning it. He wants you supporting him emotionally so that he can go out and find someone else to be with. Like a child, he won’t want you until someone else wants you; then he’ll throw a temper tantrum about how you’re his toy and nobody else’s.
Be a friend to him, but seriously, move on and find happiness elsewhere because you deserve it bro. You deserve someone that takes you seriously and cares about your emotional state and doesn’t doubt their love for you. It will get better once you decide to put yourself and your needs first. It’s 2015 and you can absolutely find a guy that’s as loving as you are. You sound like such a good person, I wish you all the luck in the world. You know what you want out of a partner, and you have nobody to blame but yourself if you settle for less.
By the sounds of your post you’re not just a good person, you’re an amazing person. I have to agree with DuZo and tphg that you have gone way beyond the call of duty but goven your hearts desire I think its totally understandable. Although its easier said than done, finding someone who treats you with the same respect and affection you deserve and show others is the only way. All th best with your future, if this is a starting point, many a good guy would be extremely lucky to have younin their life even if only for a fleeting moment…
It took me a long time to learn this: it is not enough to be “loved.” One must be loved well. It sounds like he loves you, but not well. Does his love come with putting your needs before his own? Does his love make you feel important, respected, and protected? Would he back you up, no matter what, no matter when? If he didn’t need you (for money, shelter, or emotional support) are you quite sure he’d still be around? I’ve got to say, it doesn’t sound like it.
Please learn that you deserve to be loved, and to be loved very well. You don’t need to offer money, shelter or anything else. You deserve to be loved as you are. And you deserve to be put on a pedestal, not merely to worship at someone else’s. So move on. Both for your good and his.