I’ve been sick my whole life… Ever since I was two years old I was sick. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes at the age of two, and it’s been hard for me to cope with my entire life… I was bullied during elementary school not only by students but also by teachers… And then I went to high school where I thought things would get better. They were basically the same but on a larger scale. I fell in love with a boy, I really fell in love. He was my everything and we were together for nearly two years… He left and I’ve never been the same…. After he left me I tried to make better of my life, I wanted him to be proud of me… So I tried to make my health better.. That backfired because I was diagnosed with hashamotos, a thyroid condition that basically meant my thyroid was slowly dying and I would lose all function of it before I turned twenty. This terrified me because i had been anorexic and bulimic for about a year before hand, I always had a bad view of myself, even when I was little. I weigh 95 pounds and I still feel fat…. I haven’t eaten in three days and I feel bloated like I just ate a plate full of food. My stomach doesn’t growl anymore, it’s used to not being fed.. I throw up when I feel like I’ve eaten too much, which usually ends up being after five bites of food, I’m basically falling to pieces… And then two months ago I was hospitalized to find out why I had a headache for two years that wouldn’t go away, and they discovered that I have systemic lupus, which means that my body is giving up on itself… It’s slowly shutting down before it finally just dies, slowly and painfully.. And they still don’t know why I’m in pain… My body was designed to be flawed… I don’t know what God I’ve offended, or what karma I’m receiving from my last lifetime or who’s in charge that holds a grudge against me… But my life feels like it’s been painful since birth for a reason, one that I haven’t figured out yet…. I came here looking for a way to end my life and realized that I wasn’t alone in feeling like it was time to give up…. I need a friend, I need someone to tell me that my life will end up okay, just so I can believe it for a moment… My depression and anxiety and eating disorders and chronic pain and autoimmune disorders are all against me…. I don’t know what’s left for me in life….. I always wanted to be a hero, I wanted to save someone’s life, I wanted to be a doctor so I could help people like doctors have helped me and so many others in the past. But the truth is that I can’t even help myself enough to not want to die, how could o save anyone else? I couldn’t…. I’m useless, I’m a waste of space, I’ll never be loved again and I’ll never be healthy or normal, and that’s the life that was destined for me. So maybe this is the end, maybe this is where I finally just give up and find the courageous just end this sad life…. Maybe I’ll life for a few more days or months or even years but it’ll all be a waste, I’m going to die sooner or later, and I’d rather it was at my hand than at the hand of something inside of me that physically destroys me….
4 comments
4 comments
” I’m useless, I’m a waste of space, I’ll never be loved again…”.
I know what that feels like, more or less.
Yeah, ur list of problems seem to be long, but the fact that you’ve made it this far should encourage you.
Maybe you’re anorexic and bulimic because you never loved yourself.
So try doing that, love yourself, cus frankly in the end everyone leaves, in the end, we have to be our own heroes or risk watching everything fall apart.
We could exchange email id’s if you want.
Mines (i made this for this site only)
sui_rc@yahoo.com
Your poor, poor body. And your poor mind, dealing with the pain. Your post really resounded with me. I know how illness and pain can take away the joy and pleasure of life, and even one’s sense of self and identity. I struggle with this myself. I can understand feeling that you have no control over your body. I may be wrong, but I’m guessing that your anorexia/ bulimia is perhaps the only way to feel you have control over the body that pain and disease have taken over. I’ve felt like that.
I hope you can forgive your body, if that makes sense. It’s hard not to feel betrayed by a body that gives you pain instead of pleasure. It sounds like your body needs tender love and care. Whatever that means for you: good food? Bubble bath? Meditation? Chocolate? Massage? Just holding and nurturing yourself? And you are the only one who can be counted on to care for it (or you).
Sorry if I come off too advice-y. Just trying to help a little, if I can.
That actually helps a lot… And you’re right… The only thing I can control is what I put into my body, and what comes back out… It’s the one thing I’ve got that I can control…. I want to thank everyone who commented for being so kind and understanding…. I’ve never been somewhere where I was surrounded by such compassion and care before, it’s nice..
Its like in a battlefield, youve suffered great wounds and the chances of winning is very thin. Would you rather just stab yourself and give it all up? Why not push forward and try your best to finish the battle no matter how impossible it can be.
Never think of losing hope, no matter how many bad things come your way. I know that it may seem hopeless but always remember that there is no such thing as a sealed fate. What is certain today can be altered tommorow. Whatever sickess you have now may be healed tommorow. Who knows right?
Im not really good in expressing things so i hope you understood what im trying to say. I pray that things will turn out well for you soon and that you find hapiness 🙂
– A friend