Just…done.

I’ve been sick my whole life… Ever since I was two years old I was sick. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes at the age of two, and it’s been hard for me to cope with my entire life… I was bullied during elementary school not only by students but also by teachers… And then I went to high school where I thought things would get better. They were basically the same but on a larger scale. I fell in love with a boy, I really fell in love. He was my everything and we were together for nearly two years… He left and I’ve never been the same…. After he left me I tried to make better of my life, I wanted him to be proud of me… So I tried to make my health better.. That backfired because I was diagnosed with hashamotos, a thyroid condition that basically meant my thyroid was slowly dying and I would lose all function of it before I turned twenty. This terrified me because i had been anorexic and bulimic for about a year before hand, I always had a bad view of myself, even when I was little. I weigh 95 pounds and I still feel fat…. I haven’t eaten in three days and I feel bloated like I just ate a plate full of food. My stomach doesn’t growl anymore, it’s used to not being fed.. I throw up when I feel like I’ve eaten too much, which usually ends up being after five bites of food, I’m basically falling to pieces… And then two months ago I was hospitalized to find out why I had a headache for two years that wouldn’t go away, and they discovered that I have systemic lupus, which means that my body is giving up on itself… It’s slowly shutting down before it finally just dies, slowly and painfully.. And they still don’t know why I’m in pain… My body was designed to be flawed… I don’t know what God I’ve offended, or what karma I’m receiving from my last lifetime or who’s in charge that holds a grudge against me… But my life feels like it’s been painful since birth for a reason, one that I haven’t figured out yet…. I came here looking for a way to end my life and realized that I wasn’t alone in feeling like it was time to give up…. I need a friend, I need someone to tell me that my life will end up okay, just so I can believe it for a moment… My depression and anxiety and eating disorders and chronic pain and autoimmune disorders are all against me…. I don’t know what’s left for me in life….. I always wanted to be a hero, I wanted to save someone’s life, I wanted to be a doctor so I could help people like doctors have helped me and so many others in the past. But the truth is that I can’t even help myself enough to not want to die, how could o save anyone else? I couldn’t…. I’m useless, I’m a waste of space, I’ll never be loved again and I’ll never be healthy or normal, and that’s the life that was destined for me. So maybe this is the end, maybe this is where I finally just give up and find the courageous just end this sad life…. Maybe I’ll life for a few more days or months or even years but it’ll all be a waste, I’m going to die sooner or later, and I’d rather it was at my hand than at the hand of something inside of me that physically destroys me….