First post. Moderators, please edit or let me know if I have said anything not allowed. I’m guessing my post may contain some triggers, though I’ve not been graphic & spoken heartfelt ideas in an honest way. I’m asking for some advice from places I’ve not sought help before. “Oh Lord! Please don’t let me be misunderstood.”
The Dancer in the Dark quote. “Have you seen China? Have you seen the Great Wall?” “All walls are great if the roof doesn’t fall”. This is what each day is like.
I’ve been there for so many others. I have kept friends alive. I’ve cared and helped. I’ve wanted to. I’ve known how. I showed up when others did not. The act of love. And truly, I’ve kept on going for 30 something years. People have saved me too. But I’ve been on my own, and I’m drowning. My knuckles have been tough. Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m stupid.
I diligently do all the things doctors, psychiatrists, natural therapist and so on say. I’ve read, and wrote. I hear. I’m here. I try when I least want to. I’m a mother. A wife. A daughter. I am the survivor to a father who suicided at 27 years old.
I’ve spent more time in psychiatric hospitals than I’d ever wish to imagine. DBT, CBT, NLP, alternate therapies, pyrrolles, limes, narrative, yoga, chanting, mindfulness- therapies abound and skills acquired are brimming the room. All the chat services and online volunteers have been there and deserve medals for their achievements. And the medications & supplements!
And yet, here I am. Again. Singing again. How can I deal with this? It is amiss? I am awry. I can’t stop the sadness swelling and infiltrating every crack where light gets in.
They’ve called it depression. ED. Bipolar II. BPD. PTSD. Complex PTSD. BDD. Self Harmer. Failed attempts. There’s always an acronym and another potion or pill to aid the affliction.
And I am committed. My god how I am regimented. And I’m so tired, so I’ve put the gloves down. I’m unwrapping the bandages, and wondering what I will find when I take a look at my hands and my knuckles. All I know is I’ve been binding broking bones round after round. I always get up, but I also take the fall.
I haven’t found someone who can hold my hand and look at me and know all these things. Someone who won’t say the words ‘hold on’, or ‘you’re so clever’, ‘you’ve so much to love for’, because I know that. And it hurts even more.
Is there someone out there please who will make sense to me, just to touch at my finger tips and know fractures beneath the skin and they can say that thing that will sink in to keep fighting the good fight.
There’s not a tool in this room but this I haven’t used to get by. But if surviving it is all there is, I just want to know it from someone who knows.
What is my surviving doing to them? My babies? While my legacy will not be theirs, what burden will my surviving leave them?
“Have you been to Niagra Falls?”
“It is water, that’s all”
“Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is going to hurt like hell”
4 comments
I cannot promise you hope, for I don’t know why I’m hanging on myself. But I can say that I feel you and I love you even though I don’t know you. And I can say that the world is a fucked up place, but people like you will mean a lot to someone some day. Stay genuine. Stay strong. :))
Thank you for your words. It’s hard knowing there are so many others who suffer this kind of pain every moment. I do have people who love me and need me. I just feel like I’m hurting them by my constant remission. Thank you again. I hope you are ok enough right in this place where you’re at. Things are tough. As Tori Amos said in a song “in your darkness, you are not alone”
I wanted to write something yesterday in here, but after reading it i didn’t know what to write. I guess that first i should point out it’s outstanding that you’ve managed to form a family, to be there for people, and to fight against all the conditions you’ve been labeled with. Many would have give up just with a fraction of that, but you kept on fighting on. You’re stubborn (and i say that as a good thing), but you’re surely not stupid.
I’m not a doctor, psychologist or anything, and you sound like you’ve tried everything under the sun (and maybe over the sun as well), so i don’t think i can give any meaningful advice on what to do, but you do seem like you are set on waiting for something that is within you. It’s pretty likely that the people that have told you to hang on do know the damage within, but it’s normal that they won’t address it, because the most “logical” way of trying to help someone is pointing out their positive characteristics, not their pain. You have to remember that yes, you have been through way too much, but you are not your pain, your pain is just something you feel and carry around, so you shouldn’t let it define you, same as your “battle scars”.
Like i said, i do think that all that strength you are looking for is there, and the understanding you look for might be around you as well (maybe not in the way you’d like to experience it), but i know that doesn’t make it any easier. Your surviving might in part damage those around you, but when it comes to family, not having you around might hurt them even more. A damaged parent is a lot better than no parent at all (not in some extreme cases, but you get what i mean). I really hope that things improve for you in some way, and again, kudos for continuing to hang on.
Hello Mf. My deep gratitude for your thoughtful reply. I’ve read so many posts and want to say something or help or inspire, but I’m so deep in the fire I just can summon the gift to give support in the way each person here so deserves. Which makes my heart deeply thankful that even in the place where you are at you have taken time and consideration of my desperate plea to connect and know there are voices and people who know what it’s like to live every moment on the very edge of life. I hold on. Truly. I have every reason to, I know I’m blessed- even when I’ve had terrible demons- which is yet another nail to drive in because I have so much, and yet I feel so much pain. The sadness is so haunting and pervasive. How do we keep on? The effort is so intense. Much love and light to you on your path. I’m glad ours have crossed. Your post means a lot to me. x