i’ve tried. i really did. i gave everyone around me at least one chance to try and help me. but no one actually bothered. and i can’t tell anyone, because i feel fidgety whenever i tell anyone. because of all sorts of things. i’m detached from the world, i don’t have any true friends who will be there with me 24/7, even in front of my closer friends, i still have to pretend. why? because i’m scared they will all run away the moment they see all my flaws. i’m scared that once people see the real me, they won’t want to be friends anymore, just because they can’t deal with all my issues. why am i scared? because it’s happened so many fucking times i can’t count. and i’m the “hope” of the family. they’re all putting all their wishes and expectations on me, and everytime i don’t do something well, i can see the disappointment in their eyes and tones, and even when i do something well, i can’t even feel happy, because it’s just going to increase their expectations of me, and i won’t be able to live up to them, and i don’t have anyone to turn to either, that me and my father are just putting up acts in front of each other, that my mother is 10000 miles away and all my friends seem to be doing very well without me and my brain is not helping everyday, i get the insane mood swings i talked about, makes me pull my hair and cry and resort to self harm, which then leads to panic attacks, and i just feel so useless and helpless. it’s with me, it’s all always with me. all of these isn’t helping my depressed state either. i hate the person i’ve turned into, and i hate looking into the mirror, where all i see is this fucked up girl that nobody even needs. my father goes out almost every night and goes overseas i barely even see him, and when i do, he’s always on his phone or doing work. i see my teachers more than i see him. maybe because he can’t deal with me. just like everyone else. lol. “and the snowball keeps a-rollin”. it really does.