Im a little nervous bout tomorrow night. I dont have anything planned but it always seems in my luck for things to start turning topsy turvy whenever i let the roll of the dice take the wheel. Ive been spending the week with a really close friend of mine i known since highschool. Hes been under a lot of stress with his mom going through chemo even had an infection scare and i drove her an hour back towards LA to the nearest hospital.

Shes doing much better btw and weve been having a good time in each other’s company but it feels bittersweet knowing i have to leave tomorrow night. Images and ideas have been flooding my mind for a while now. Itd be easy for a car accident to happen, even easier to just sedate myself on seroquel before heading out since i plan on leaving at night with less traffic. Im trying not to think that way but the urges/ideation have been harder to fight off. That or they feel more natural…i cant really tell anymore.

Hmmm i dunno, it leaves a lot of things in the air. What are the chances something happens not because i will it? I guess i would still feel guilty all the same knowing a part of me would welcome it.