After having spent the last 20 or so years struggling to figure myself out, I feel as though I have a crystal clear understanding of myself. I guess you could say that I spent these past 20 years looking into my abyss. I found myself there.
People always say that suicide is not the answer. But what if it genuinely is? The human mind can only take so much and I feel as though I’ve lived through an eternity already and I’m 34. I struggled through a very isolated childhood as I’ve posted before and seen horrors that no child should see and bore the weight of the world far before I was ready and then parachuted into mainstream society at my age 16. After years of struggling I did in fact make something of myself… struggling far harder than what I should have. No violins please. I of course realise that I am not the only one with struggles.
I’ve come to terms with myself…. I have also come to terms that my days are numbered. I’ve explained vocally as much as I can to my sister hoping that she’ll at least understand my reasoning for an exit (and not blame herself and condemn her to years of asking why). Ending things for myself has a hint of poetry…. it’s poetic in my head at least and makes sense to me. I’m at peace with death. I am at peace not continuing forward, life afterall is like building an empire from sand on the shore only to be washed away with the tide. Erased and eventually forgotten. I just wish people around me could understand my desire for exit. I wish I could have their blessing… a wish that’ll never be fulfilled no matter how hard I try. If only if they could see my horrors, my pain, my angst, and daily struggle for maybe then they could see into my abyss and, too, find me there.
4 comments
You’ve had to endure a lot and the mind can only take so much – I know how this feels.
Most likely your own needs have been neglected for a long time. Put yourself first mate. Focus on you. Personally I’d be down the gym if I could, what would make you feel better about yourself?
I get all that you’re saying. One year less than you, but i’ve gone down that path too, and now i just hang on for one family member that i care about (out of 3 remaining ones… actually 2 because one is senile). The thing is, how long can one hold on for them?, that is actually a question i haven’t been have to answer, and i just take it day by day. They’ll still blame themselves even if they do empathize with you, so all we can do is try to alleviate their future pain by making them understand us a bit more, and making sure they know that our demise is a pretty high possibility (or most likely a given).
Regarding that last thing, if someone asked me i’d say my time is already gone and that i’m living on borrowed time (i think i’ve even said that so someone in my family), do you ever get that feeling? if you do, it kinda makes sense what snowdrop said above, you might want to make whatever it takes to make your final time a bit more enjoyable. It’s going to end anyways, regardless of what we do, isn’t it?
People who haven’t been there cannot understand anymore than you can comprehend why you would want to live. I understand. I wish you peace, whichever way you go.
I wish you a peaceful death. You deserve it. 34 years of life is enough. But you should read near death experiences about suicides. Are you sure that you will find peace after death? In some NDEs it is so, but not in most though.
I wish you could attain your peace and forget about everything.