Ayahausca – an illegal treatment for PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.

I made a promise to myself (for my family and friends) a long time ago that I wouldn’t kill myself unless I have tried everything I know of to make myself better.  I’m surrounded by too many wonderful people that I know would be devastated if I committed suicide. (I know, poor me. I can’t help that the only thing fucked about my life is my own head.)

About 7 weeks ago I had decided to go through with it.  I went to grab my car keys and Ayahausca jumped into my head.  Fuck! Stupid promise.  A few weeks before that my old boss told me about Ayahausca and what it did for his brother who dealt with bad anxiety.  So I got in contact with the organizer and started preparing for the treatment. I have nothing to lose.

Before I tell you about my experience, I’ll tell you how it left me feeling.  That way you can decide if you want to read all of it (it’s really long).

The afternoon after the last ceremony I was exhausted!  Total zombie (you’ll understand why if you read the rest).  So I start out by showering, then have a nap…starting to feel a bit more human…have some food…start to smile a bit, then go to bed.  The next morning I’m starting to actually be able to interact with others without feeling overwhelmed.  By the afternoon I was feeling better than I have in years!  I ended up going out for dinner in a busy pub (normally the stimulus would have overwhelmed me) and enjoyed the whole experience. Sat up with my friend (who is actually a tested genius and can be a very intense) and had a blast.  My brain was finally working again!  For months I could barely follow conversations (normally I’m pretty smart) and I was talking physics with a genius and getting it!!! I felt alive and in control!

I wish I could leave it at that, but I was only able to touch the tip of the iceberg so I still have a ways to go.  Not that I’ve completely reverted to where I was before the treatment, but I have some pretty bad days.  It’s only been a couple weeks since I did the treatment.  My brain is still working, but the depression and anxiety still rears it’s ugly head.  I’m now saving up for my next treatment (~$200/night).  I’m also gathering the courage to go through it again.  I’m not sure why, but I do have a bit of hope that I can actually gain control of the anxiety and depression if I stick with it.  I have never had hope with ANY other treatment that I have done.

My experience:

You have to be off any SSRI’s for 3 – 4 weeks before you can take the medicine.  Well, I’d been on them for about 3 years (not sure why, they didn’t do a damn thing for me).  The next ceremony was being held in 5 weeks, so I had 1 week to wean myself off the meds.  If anyone has ever come off of SSRIs you know that that is not enough time to do it…sanely.  Well, it was this or hurt others (me dying) so I jumped in and experienced the most difficult 4 weeks of my life.  Thankfully I have a very…patient and caring boyfriend who was willing to take care of me and everything else while I went through it.  I was basically bed ridden for 3 weeks – nausea, ridiculously heightened senses, insane headaches, insomnia, severe twitching, non stop crying, etc.

I go into any treatment very skeptical.  I don’t want no placebo effect!

I had 6 days of feeling good, better than I had in years. Two days before I was to go for treatment anxiety came back full force.  Struggled through that (one breath at a time) and made it there ( I had to borrow money from my mom for the treatment, travel 8 hours, deal with broken down car, etc). Amazingly enough I made it.

Day 1:  Arrive about 4 hours before ceremony starts.  The ceremony only starts once it’s dark outside.  I set up my “area” (thermarest, sleeping bag and pillows), and listened to others talk about their previous times.  Lights go out, I drink the medicince and wait.  The chanting starts.  That night I didn’t really notice anything much, I’m told this is pretty common for the very first time – the medicine is peeling away layers to be able to work.  The only thing I really remember, besides a whole bunch of random thoughts, was a flash of this beautiful tiger and the feeling you get when someone you love gives you an awesome hug.

Day 2: I woke up feeling a little hung over with a start of a headache.  By early afternoon my headache was pretty bad. I asked if i could take an advil and she said it’s best that i don’t, the shaman will come see me.  He worked on me for a few minutes (put his hands on my head and sucked).  I was like, this is freaking weird! But, after, my head did feel better.  After a couple hours the headache was back and more painful than ever.  The shaman told me to wait it out a bit.  It became so unbearable that when i went to the bathroom to get more kleenex, I collapsed half way there from the pain.  So the shaman helped me again.  This time he used perfuma, smoke and spent a long time (~ 1hr) working on my head and stomach. it was very strange. I actually thought I was going to end up with hickies all over my head and stomach, lol! When he was done my head felt a bit better and my stomach way better.  They told me to sleep if I can and they will get me before the ceremonies begin.  I woke up a couple hours later and felt fantastic!

That night’s experience was different than my first.  I felt the buzz, then started getting most of the symptoms that I went through when I was detoxing from the SSRIs, not fun.  When the shaman got to me (he goes around and chants to everyone individually) he stayed with me for quite a while.  I sat up and let myself be lost in his chanting…and wow.  Once I purged (puked – I’ll talk about that in a bit) I felt so light and joyous!  I was sitting there dancing with the biggest freakin grin on my face.  The rest of the night I just felt amazing!

Purging – one of my biggest fears going into this.  I hate puking!! That night I learnt to have a different view of puking, to actually want it (while on the medicine).  Puking is so common during the ceremonies that everyone is given their own personal puke bucket before you start. I always viewed puking as your body getting rid of something toxic you ingested…well it wants to get rid of toxic energy (thoughts and feelings) as well.

Day 3 – I woke up feeling fantastic!! I had a great day, talked with many of the others and we shared our experiences.  Most were very different than mine.  I really didn’t have many thoughts, just went through physical symptoms and feelings.  But I could feel the difference, whatever I was going through was making changes.

As most of you know, when you are in a deep depression, you can’t think of the future.  The only way I got through those 5 weeks was taking it one second at a time.  One second, an hour was too much.  This said, I had no idea what I was going to do after the treatment.

The third night was different from the first two.  I felt the buzz…but nothing else.  All my thoughts were like I just smoked a big duby!  I would get half way through a thought and be like, what was I just thinking about.  Talk about not being able to work on anything!  Even when the shaman was chanting to me, nothing!  I was devastated.  I just wasted $200 and haven’t a freakin clue as to what to do after I leave.  I fell back into a completely hopeless depression.  All I was doing was screaming (in my head) “Just give me some hope, some kind of guidance…anything!!!” I finally fell asleep around 5 am.

Day 4 (the day I was to leave the treatment center): At 7 am I wake up feeling like the most hopeless, beat up, drained individual that has ever existed. Since no one is awake I head out to the river and sit there rocking back and forth, crying for hours. People started coming outside and would ask if I’m ok.  All I could do was say no and keep rocking. A couple of them said I should talk to the shaman.  By 11am I was so numb – total zombie from the intense emotional drain, the exhaustion from crying and having barely any sleep.  I still haven’t had a chance to talk to the shaman because everybody else is.  It was noon before I finally ask him to talk to me outside.  I told him that I couldn’t leave.  I did not trust myself to get into my car (I refuse to commit suicide in a fashion that could harm others – besides pain from the loss), I couldn’t function and I had no idea what my next step was.  He did a personalized treatment (sucking my brain and using my name).  I don’t understand how, but in a few minutes I was starting to feel more stable and able to function.  He explained to me that the medicine was still working (it works by putting you through what you are working on) and was stuck above my right eye.  What he did was take the rest of the medicine out.

I got in my car, push started it as the starter went on my way there, and continued my trip!

At this point I was so confused and had no idea if everything I just went through in the last 5 weeks had done me any good.  I’m still not positive, but I think another 3 day treatment will be able to convince me in one direction or the other.

This is a recap of what I think happened during my treatment:

Night 1 – peeled away layers in order to do work

Night 2 – Dealt with the horrors of what the SSRI withdrawals put me through.

Night 3 – Touched on dealing with depression.

So, not a quick fix.  But I have to say that I think the hope comes from the fact that even when depression and anxiety are still rearing it’s ugly heads I have this sense that I’m a bit stronger than I was and that I have a tiny bit more control.  I also seem to not stay as deep for as long.

I guess in the end I did get what I was seeking.  I was seeking hope.  It’s not strong, but it’s there.  That’s more than I could have said 7 weeks ago.

P.S. I have never written anything so long for others to read (except in school), so I hope it reads well and someone gets something out of it.