Dear you

Since my last post I wanted to write one for some of the people here. This is mostly for people I’ve crossed paths with in the comments recently, but I appreciate everyone here. We might not have talked, but many people here have become very valuable to me.

I don’t know where to start… over the last couple of days I’ve been feeling several times that my depression has lifted. It’s a very gentle, subtle lift, but this is something that hasn’t happened to me for years. I’ve been much, much better physically the past couple of days (it changes dramatically from one day, hour, minute to another), but the depression is still very difficult and severe. Having times where I feel better is making it feel more changeable. Sudden pains seeps in, and sometimes hopeless thoughts seem to numb everything else. I’ve felt more up and down than usual.

This is wonderful. I’ve been practicising meditation and mindfulness techniques, and I think they’re starting to make a difference. The fact that I can bear to be alone with my mind is a big step forward. Once when I finished fifteen minutes of a body scan mindfulness video, I had several moments where I suddenly felt more real: more conscious, clear, alive. (Side note for those who might be interested: I read about a brain scan showing that the brain of a monk, while he was meditating, had a very high level of gamma waves. They’re linked to consciousness, memory, learning and attention. I haven’t looked into it any further, but the ‘consciousness’ caught my attention.)

I didn’t suddenly feel completely better, but it was such a sudden difference that it really jolted me. I started (incessantly) telling a friend every detail of the experience, and I made a connection for the first time between changing the way my brain works and changing my body. Three years ago I started trying to lose weight by exercising. It was something I’d tried so many times before. I had severe anxiety and a lot of panic attacks at the time, and exercise set them off more than any other activity. For the first couple of months I exercised every day and it was mental torture and physically painful. It took a long time to crack it but eventually the panic lessened and I started to really, really enjoy the exercise. I changed my appearance, made my body fitter and almost entirely kicked away that connection in my mind between exercise and panic. It still came up from time to time, but resolving that hadn’t been my focus. (I didn’t think it was something I could actively change.) It was another benefit, something I’d never expected to happen. I also never expected to find a new hobby which I loved.

I wanted for years to take up meditation but whenever I tried it, or similar techniques, I felt worse and worse. It was too painful. The depression was horrific and the panic rose every time. I tried to pick it up from time to time but each time it felt unbearable and I put it aside again. Even when I kept telling myself I’d try just ten minutes, I couldn’t face it.

I’m finding it slightly, slowly easier to do. The last time I tried it was last night, and I really felt calmer than usual. Again, the changes are only subtle, but comparatively they’re huge.

So I’m trying. I’m also looking at a ridiculously expensive possible cure for ME/CFS, which also claims to cure depression, again by changing the architecture of your brain – usually people start to feel better very quickly and completely (they say). I hope that that could help too. This has other long-term benefits I’m interested in, but I do like the idea of seeing fast changes. But feeling any change is alien to me now.

The differences are small and slow, but they’re beginning to exist, and that’s all that matters.

And now onto you. 🙂

When I wrote my last post I didn’t expect all the compassion and love in the responses. Since then several people have said amazing things to/about me, much more than I deserve. I’m having an up and down day, and at the moment I feel so far away from it all. But I’ll keep reminding myself. It filled me up with so much love and gratitude, to the point that I was closer to feeling ‘good’ than I can remember being for a long, long time. Every single thing that somebody said left me feeling all of it for a long time afterwards. At times I felt almost excited. And I know when I’m feeling a little better it’ll all come flying back to me again. I won’t forget it.  You gave me the most amazing gift you possibly could have. You’re changing me.

I really believe those feelings could be the start of a deeper change. I’ve never felt them before. Not like this. You’ve all made such a difference to my life.

I hope you don’t mind me talking so much about myself in this post. I wanted to write about some of the things that have been happening lately. But most of all, I really, really want to share my gratitude to all of you.

I love you all so much.