today, i brought home my new kitten.
he is so small, and so sweet – and currently unnamed. i’ll update this post and tell you his name when i have chosen it.
update: his name is axle.
I’m working on a series of paintings of the gulf. I have a friend who has been supplying me with a steady diet of gulf pics. He is down there for a fresh start, having made so many fresh starts in his life.
He sends me birds, water. Night, day. Sun, clouds. Amazing stuff really.
This is typically where I come up with some colloquial witticism. I’m fresh out of platitudes tonight, be them empty or full. Time for bed. Enjoy the night friends.
Mozart composed this when he was 11. Wow.
I have a friend who is struggling and has gone radio silent. It makes me sad. But I understand the reasons for it even if it makes me introspective tonight. His favorite genre of music isn’t necessarily Mozart, or piano. He is more an electric guitar shredder of sorts. He is also one of the most amazing singers I have ever had the honor of hearing.
Still for some reason I thought of him when I listened to this.
Love yourself and be kind.
Especially you my friend, where ever you are tonight.
It feels nice to write my feelings on a social media page where everyone gets me. I talk to my boyfriend all the time about my depression and bless him he’s bent over backwards to try make me happy, and as much as love him and appreciate the effort he’s going to I physically can’t change how I think or feel 🙁 its gotten to the point where he feels like he’s useless because I havent improved at all, but he’s not! And when he feels useless sometimes he gets mad and thats only been recently, I cant blame him after 2 years of having someone tell you how down they are and nothing you can do is helping. But I dont want my depression to push him away, heck I dont wanna feel depressed full stop. But he’s all I have in life, I want to get over my past demons, not be bothered by the fact I havent got a normal loving family, not self harm, and not feel so insecure I take it out on my boyfriend for having female friends. I never use to be like this and now everywhere I turn somethings really bothering me! Today I woke up and for the first time ive never been so gutted to open my eyes.. I dont want to die, that means im gone forever, I have baby nephews and sisters I care deeply about as well as my boyfriend, so I dont want to be gone, for them. I just want to sleep, forever, so im still here in a sense, just not dealing with life and this constant comedown. My depressions starting to affect my work life and my character. Ive lost all confidence in meeting new people, getting a job, being interviewed, impressing my boyfriend, being there for my little sisters. My nephews have fantasic parents, I know they’ll grow up fine. I fear my sisters will turn out like me because we share the same mentally unfit mother, and their father isnt much help. Their loved and fed and spoilt rotten, but the behavior my mother set for us is the reason im the way I am today, and other things but mainly her. Im only 21 and desperate to start a family with my boyfriend so I can feel love again, and have the strength to go out, get a good job, drive, get a new house big enough so my sisters can live with me or atleast stay over most the week. Having my own child to cherish and smother with unconditional love, and my boyfriend would be the best father ever even if we went out seperate ways (god hope we dont), he’s amazing with children and an amazing person in general. I want my confidence back and my demons gone, I want to be happy and not rely on anti depressants or cannabis.
Dear Anon( u kno who u are),
I hope you still get a spark in your eye when you think of me. I’ve went through all my journals and there was a lot of things that I wasn’t proud of writing so I ripped out the entries I’d written that were penned in anger and I’m summing up the rest here. The things that still stick in my mind had the longest entries. Like the time we first met and the time we first made love; those two moments bring tears to my eyes and make me forget any bad stuff for awhile. I also have a vivid memory of us waiting for the ferry on the way back from the mainland by the dock where we cuddled a bit and skipped stones; that’s one of the most romantic times I’ve ever had and I often wonder if you think of it yourself ? <3 It doesn't matter if you don't, you showed me so much love that day I feel crazy love just thinking back on it, automatically, it was amazing and magical. I miss the times we shared and the promises we told each other we'd keep. I wish I would have made you proud but I really got lost in my mind and didn't recognize things were going downhill and before I knew it everything was in shambles and I knew I had to take responsibility for my part in what occurred. That's the reason I called off our relationship, I was a basket case and it was too damaging being around my soulmate(I still believe heh). I didn't want you to see me break apart piece by piece which is what happened. You needed someone to lean on and I was hanging next to a cliff, i would have tumbled over and you would've stumbled down with me.
I've completed drug rehab and even got locked up in the psyche ward for a week because of withdrawals and attempted suicide. The belt never held up even with partial suspension! Lucky me I guess 🙂
I feel more stabilized now but still not well enough to show myself off to you or anyone else. I know everyone who used to know me wouldn't recognize me now. I sleep better now but my daytime and social anxiety still holds me back and I want to be open and carefree if I get a second chance to make things right someday down the road. You'll always be my big amazing lover bear and I want to be your cute, carefree ,curious, slightly emo kitteh boi( I'm trying not to be emo anymore, it's hard :/ )
I plan to live back in Ontario as there's more support for me there and I won't have to navigate everything on my own which isn't possible for me in my current headspace. I need helping hands till I feel confident enough in myself to show more independence. Bless your heart for sticking by me for so long as you must have gritted your teeth at my shy and fickle persona lol I wasn't always so broken, i remember when we first met in the flesh I still had some spunk. Now I'm on a mission to find that spunk and cherish it and hold onto it and never let it go! Please just think of me not in terms of how I am ATM but who I am deep inside 🙂 I'm determined to get better and eventually share my health with someone special (someone like you heheh x3) . It hasn't been an easy road to discover my flaws but now I can polish them out and create new beauty from the junk left behind.
I truely hope you find what you want in this life, you deserve it! I hope you find someone to make you happy even if that someone isn't me, I just want you to soar and be free! I love you unconditionally and you're the only person I've ever opened up to. Don't worry about what anyone thinks of you, your amazing and your one hell of a guy 🙂
I have some growing up to do or I will CatchTheBus if I try my best but make the world worse for wear. I have no illusions about how much of the world I've stepped my foot on and had it burn to flames. I've come to peace with whatever destiny awaits me and if time has already advanced too far I may have to let the flame burn away till it's a tiny point of withering heat in the infinite void. I hope not! I hope I'll be around to adopt a kid with a hubby and have a wonderful life and I'm giving this life everything I have left in me to make something worth holding 🙂
Love always <3,
a lot of things are going wrong but i can’t blame anyone but myself for all that. it’s amazing how close to peace i feel when i contemplate killing myself. “why not do it today?” is a thought that crosses my mind almost daily, today being no exception. i should just do it. get it over with. stop thinking so hard about plans and letters and waiting for a day when everyone’s out of the house. i don’t care anymore. why waste any more time? i should just do it today.
Chanelle… I cant go without writing this. I need to share why you mean so much to me. I need to share the truth with you.
Well where do I start. Maybe from the beginning. The day I remember meeting you. It was after school, I remember clearly that it was at your badminton practice. I remember the first thought that ran through my mind ‘Beautiful, so beautiful’. Sadly back then I was a bit different, I didnt see you for who you truly were. It took me a whole year to truly see you beauty, how you are so much more than looks. How you are always smiling and trying to see the beauty in everything. I fell for you from 2012 till now. Its been 4 years since then and my feelings are stronger than ever. I remember in 2012 how every morning I would go hang out with your bestfriend waiting for you, just so I could see you once. People still thought I liked her but in all honesty it was you who I was waiting for. You would barely notice me but I would look for every opportunity to see you.
People keep on asking me why I love you, I struggled for so long to understand why. In a way something about you has captured me. As you know I suffer from depression, I have for years. long before I met you. When I met you my depression started easing up, you made me want to live. You were the reason I stayed alive for so long. I shouldnt really say this, you are the most amazing girl I know. The girl of my dreams.
We may argue, we may have some differences but we have so much more in common than you think. You may never love me, but I will always have these feelings for you. I dont want you to think the reason I am dieing is because of you. You were the reason I hung on for so long and now that you are gone I dont really have anything to hold onto.
I am really sorry. These will be my last words I will say to anyone. When I send it to you that is.
I am truly sorry I am breaking the promise.
After 2 months of just reading and just staying in the sideline i now had the courage to register , i stumbled upon this site and its amazing because i have never felt the same with some people here and ofcourse the envy of others finally getting what some of us want to do. you guys might not see me again because im not much to talk but my lifes been getting worse so we’ll see i guess.
Many of you were here for one of the most amazing romances ever known to man… i was notified last night that my true love kaylee bush took her life… It was ironic because i told her our love was like romeo and juliet except we were going to save each other from suicide instead of cause it.. in her note she notified family that we would be eternally NUTBUSH, hense the name change… the last time i talked to her she said she wasnt sure if she was strong enough to make it.. i should be happy for her and i guess i am, but i am sad for me.. She taught me how to love again, and gave me a reason to live.. i am stronger because of it, and i now know what it would feel like for anyone who might love me… I am going to try hard to stay with you amazing folks, but if i cant (Bare with, bare with, bare with) sorry inside joke.. i know my dear sweet bush will be waiting moistly magically delicious… Bush.. you knew how much i loved you and so did i… im glad you got to go loved… send me a rainbow…
Youtube: ELLIE GOULDING– LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO
DARRIN HAYES SO BEAUTIFUL THESE WERE OUR SONGS PLEASE LISTEN..
I’ve been on this site for 4-5 years. When i was more active in the community, these are the people who meant the most to me. Please let me know if you reconize or know any of these members. It would make my day.
No one remember Klaurens I’m sure. But exhausted24 was the coolest person ever. I still have the emails from kallie’s family after she died. Dawg and AtTheEnd, and Duke were everywhere. Every single post, they would comment on. There’s this annie girl that showed me this site. She’s always meant the world to me. I know pasceltrees is never going to see this, but meeting you has changed my life in such an amazing way. Considering that I’ve always tried to met with you on multiple occasions and even asked you to marry me at one point haha. Fakingit was my best friend when i started here. We have quite a few emails. allbeletshappy, I know we’ve talked quite a lot in emails, I don’t know why we sudden’y stopped. Theres this girl named KenzieMack I used to have a crush on. She had amazing writing. Another girl named Iida, she was the nicest person I’ve met. And finally, a few last shout-outs to LadyLoki, AmiBelle, SeidAdam, DerekCrosson, Ayanna, and finally, straw. Thank all of you!
You lay awake in bed at night wondering where every little thing went wrong.
You create amazing friendships hoping they will spark into something intimate. You spend days, weeks, months and occasionally years talking to someone only to one day realise the effort disappears and you find that you are now the instigator. They never message you first, or call or whatever. It’s up to you.
Then one day you decide “okay, I’m not going to start the conversation this time. I will wait for them to instigate it.” Next thing you know you it’s been a few days and then weeks and months and you realise its lost. Then you start to think that YOU fucked up because YOU decided to stop instigating the conversations. You lay awake in bed at night wondering where every little thing went wrong. And you contemplate sending a text or a snapchat or commenting on a post somewhere, hoping you will pick up where you left off. And one day you do just that, you send them a text “Hey, how’s it going?” Etc. and after a few minutes you tell them you miss them.
You see for them, you’ve been gone for ages, they’ve moved on. But you, although the it’s been a month and a bit, you feel like you said goodnight yesterday.
And so it’s hard.
It’s hard facing that you are nothing to them now. No matter how much you try and fix it, it’s gone. All the work and all the effort creating something amazing, gone like that. Like trying to seize and opportunity, you try and do it in the moment but once it’s passed its gone.
And so you’re left with good memories but you’ll never get it back to how it was
its just a “Hey” that keeps you around
During the week I work, I workout, I’m busy doing stuff. I have no time to let my mind interfere. The weekends are the worst. I get lonely and depressed. Yesterday I was such a mess. I feel like nothing satiates me. I loathe weekends. I do nothing except ponder why I exist and wait for each moment to pass so I can go to sleep. But today I feel better. Distractions are amazing. To not be able to think… It’s wonderful.
From really young people – teenagers – who are suicidal. There seems to be a theme in that most of them have parents who they feel don’t understand, support or love them. It’s so sad. And even worse that they feel like they can’t talk to their parents about how they feel.
In this world of materialism, I had somehow forgotten how important all that was. It had seemed like all they wanted was the latest iphone, and to be in the popular group at school. It kind of gives me new hope that I can actually be a positive influence in my kids lives, although they don’t live with me. It’s kind of amazing to think that they could go through something like that when they’re older and I wouldn’t even know. I would like to think that now, I would know the signs….
It’s one of those nights. I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay up with somebody and feel like I have a physical human being around with whom I can form some kind of bond. It gets dull adding a new chapter to my two novels, or writing lyrics for the next song project. It’s old, I’m tired, and I need somebody- not something. No more games, books, or any other cheap form of entertainment. I need this thing called a human bond. It’s always seemed to allude me.
I’m not sure what to do. I never have been. I do my best to fit in, but I never can. I make sure I don’t complain about my life to strangers. I always wear the fake smile and do my utmost to be the listener, and if I indeed am thrust in a position where I must entertain and talk, I refuse to ***** about my life. However it always seems as if they see something in my eyes telling them to stay away. Maybe that instinct serves them well. Maybe I’d just be a nuisance to them. I’ve been accused more times than I can count of being a pathological liar whenever I have the chance to open up. That makes it so that I’m terrified to answer when I get the excruciatingly rare “Are you okay” from a stranger.
Before I go, I’ll botulate some of my depression on here. A while back I was actually engaged to a very amazing person. She ended up on Xanax for whatever reason.. I didn’t think too much about it. She ended up on Cocaine.. then Heroine.. then came the gang affiliation to support her drug habit. Then came constant threats against us. Then came the end of our relationship when she realized how badly she was torturing me. Drugs became more important. No, this isn’t at all the only reason I’m a depressed individual. Just one small part of the story. I’ll probably end up posting here every few days now, adding bits and pieces of events I haven’t mentioned in past posts. Maybe I’ll end up copying song links for my band, or sharing lyrics/poems, what have you.. I love you all. 🙂
I know I should go to sleep… it’s 4 AM now. I’ll creep around on the forums for a bit after finishing this post though.. and listen to some music.. and per my new norm, I’ll leave ya with another selfie. I’ll slowly work my way up to present day.. you’ll all be able to realize how they stop being so happy and contagious. Hope y’all are doing okay.
I’m just overflowing with sadness right now.
I am always, but especially right now.
I posted this 3 times already, but the concert I had attended was called, “WE DAY,” an entertaining show with dancers, singers, and speakers to come together in order to celebrate giving back to the community/ world. Helping out others, making this world amazing day by day.
It was very inspirational. I have to admit. I felt I COULD have a place in this world to make it better…
But the entire time I listened, I thought:
“I can’t even help myself…How can I help others?”
it’s amazing how they told me, when i was younger, that i won’t feel this way forever. They always told me that it will get better and that i should stay strong. Well, I can’t stay strong forever and things are only getting worse. I don’t know how long I can hold on…
I remember talking to a friend about the way i felt. They answered “Maybe life just isn’t for you.” This broke me but maybe they were right…All I know now is that it had never gotten better, so why would it now?
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