How hard the world is to me on some days. You tell me you are having a bad day and you say goodnight. You leave me alone to my thoughts and even though I want to beg you to stay, please, please, PLEASE! I say “Okay.” Because I can’t do that to you. Not when you finally think I’m getting better. Not when you have more important things to deal with. It gets kind of hard to breathe when all you want to do is etch another mark, just one, just one, just one. But no. He will see. He always does. He doesn’t react. But later he will tell me he feels responsible. He will break down and almost cry because he can’t stop you. Which isn’t really fair considering he left you to fend for yourself. But you love him. So you don’t say anything. You just stop telling him when you’re in pain. You stop saying anything really. He said once when he saw you that the marks weren’t too deep. Like he was proud. But he doesn’t understand. Your worth is measured in marks and he just called you worthless. He told you you’re too weak to do worse. Too weak to really make it hurt. So you’re tempted to do more. To show him how bad it can get. But you don’t. You know it would hurt him and he wouldn’t understand. You itch to scream at him that he should be grateful. You didn’t do it for him. You left your skin untouched and you hate yourself for it. You silently sit with your stomach turning because you know he thinks you were being dramatic. That you got better really quickly. But you didn’t really. You might be worse off than before. But you don’t tell him that. You never do tell him.
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I’m sorry. I recognise some of myself in this post. I hope you can find ways to feel relief other than self harm. This is one of the problems with it – you feel you need to do it more and worse, and then have to try to cope with people’s reactions to it. But I do understand.
Most people, when they see your scars, mainly just see that your skin has been cut and you’ve been physically hurt. It’s hard for people to understand the pain and thought processes around it unless they’ve been through it or had a similar addiction – especially if you don’t or can’t explain it to them. He obviously cares though – hopefully you can focus on remembering that and try not to let the things he says influence you for the worse. Trying not to do it for him might make you angry or frustrated – it’s easier if you find other things to focus on, ways to distract yourself (I think exercise is a good alternative). It’s so hard to get past but it usually means it happens less and more importantly you don’t feel the urge to do it as often, which makes you more relaxed. In the end you might succeed better if you try not to do it for you, not just for him, because then you’ll be doing it to feel better – not just to be clear of scars.
I know it’s hard to live through. I remember being terrified when I’d hear someone say goodnight, because it was almost impossible to be alone. If you can’t tell him how terrible you feel, at least you have the people here to know how you’re feeling, and hopefully keep you less alone.