excuse my rambling tonight

so my boyfriend is on a family camping trip and thus has no signal all week, my other friend is in Iceland seeing the northern lights, everyone else thinks I’m better. I have no one to talk to when I hit that dark darkness for all of half term, stuck in my bedroom all day and night studying and trying to stay sane. so I’m just going to type here like I have verbal diarrhoea. last night I had a panic attack and was paralyzed just lying on my floor, I couldn’t even drag myself into bed. the night before that I made myself a noose. tonight I just want to cut off every ounce of fat smothering my body. I cant do this any more, I cant cope without support, I am literally a burden on them. I don’t even know… what is this.