There is a significant part of me that can’t believe I’m posting this kind of note on a public forum. Isn’t this supposed to be private, after all? But I think the anonymity makes it easier to be perfectly frank, and that seems like a laudable goal at this stage. So here goes…
First, I’ve had suicidal ideation episodically for years, but I have reached the point where it’s time to stop fantasizing and to act.
Second, objectively speaking, my life isn’t the worst. I still have a roof over my head and sufficient food, but I’m deeply in debt, earn too little to keep up, and am stuck in an utterly miserable marriage, which I’d leave if I a.) had any money and/or b.) had anywhere to go. I wake up each morning wishing I hadn’t, and I spend most of the day pretending that I’m not just going through the motions. I cry often, but not nearly as often as I feel like it. I’m 38, but most days I feel at least twice that old.
Third, after extensive research, I have decided to go with hanging. It’s relatively clean, leaves little room for error, and is unlikely to leave me unsuccessful and stuck in hospital.
Finally, my main question/concern at this point is whether or not to leave a note for my wife and daughter. Once I get this out of the way, I can be on mine.
6 comments
That sounds rough. I’m not the one to tell you what to do or not, but i do have to ask you, do you have any family that could help you get on your feet if you leave? that’s always a best choice than killing yourself. I’m saying this because it sounds like your main issue is your daily routine due to your marriage, and it’s better to exhaust all options before taking the final one (specially if you have a daughter, even more so depending on her age).
Just had to suggest that. If you do end up going the hanging route, yeah, definitely leave a note for you daughter. Usually not leaving some sort of explanation behind leads to even more pain and blaming, so you’d be taking at least a bit of the pain away from her. Whatever you end up doing (i do hope you choose to give it another shot), i wish you good luck.
Only 38? You should still have plenty of life left to live. And you have a natural obligation to be there for your daughter, no matter what her age.
Can you get a second job and discipline yourself enough this time? Can you declare bankruptcy?
Miserable marriage? My guess is, it didn’t happen over-night. And how long it took to get to that state may be how long it is going to take to reverse it, if you are truly willing to try and to put in the effort. I’m another guy, too, and I have a difficult relation myself. But I haven’t stopped fighting for her and haven’t quit trying. To a certain extent, I know how it is.
The first marriage tip that comes to my mind right now would be for you to go to another dude who has been in a successful marriage for at least TEN years. Get under HIS wings and believe me, he’ll tutor you and most guys are willing to help.
Perhaps even better, as a couple, FIND A WELL-DOING and HEALTHY 10-year couple and get THEIR counseling.
I’ve heard of couples falling in love again and rekindling their romance IN THEIR 70’S (seriously).
Best wishes, my friend.
Haven’t been here for a while, and obviously didn’t go through with it (yet–there’s still hope). Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, I’m not a dude–I’m a woman. And the debt is from emergency surgery when I didn’t have health insurance and from medical school. I refuse to declare bankruptcy; it just seems wrong. 🙁
Peace Corps. If that doesn’t work out you can go back to killing yourself.
I am in a similar situation at 42. I want to die every day but suicide isn’t so easy and I don’t want to end up in hospital. I kind of keep hoping that something will happen that will make life a bit better. If we are dead that possibility is gone forever. If we can just keep treading water there’s always some spark of hope that something could change for the better. Of course there is always the danger that things will get worse but then the option of suicide is still there.
If you can find the right words to tell them why you have gone through with it, I would say write the note. If not however than I recommend against it. Good luck and find peace in whatever form it takes my anonymous internet friend.