I remember years ago someone told me I should take caution when it comes to love. I tried. Did I?

Here you are. There, you are. I love your person. I just love it. Sorry. Wasn’t on purpose… Just, like that. You were nice, you often are. You’re beautiful, I love your smile. I want to see it, always, forever, on your face. You deserve it. You’re a good person. I want to know who you are. I do. Sorry. You’re just the kind of person I feel good with. I don’t need to have a defensive posture. I feel like I can be myself, I feel like you’re talking to people and not to their position on the social scale. I’m sorry for looking away when our eyes meet. I know, sometimes it seems like you’re just looking for a “Hello” or something. But I don’t want you to know. I play distance. Even if you’re kind, I know you’d prefer distance. I play distance. Sorry for being a bit impolite in my behaviour. I wish I could tell you. But I can’t. You don’t want to hear it. You don’t. And that’s okay. The thing is that the more I want to share with you, the more I try to hide, the more it seems like you know it, you feel it. That’s all in my head, I know. You’re always on my mind, hammering the doors of my heart. You’re just a good person. I miss you, good people. You’re kind, intelligent, beautiful, funny, open-minded. You are sincere. I’m looking for sincere people, never find any. And when I look at you, I just can’t help but thinking : we could share things, we could communicate, we could talk. You would listen. You would understand. You wouldn’t judge.

Why is it always like that? The people I’d crave having near me are the ones I can’t get close to. Always. And here I am, drowning the silence in my heart with loud music. That’s the feeling I’d like to share with you. But I can’t. It’s impossible. It’s stupid to say “I’ll take caution when it comes to love”, love is just like that. You can have no caution. It decides, you don’t. You’re just passive in love. If you can act on it, then you do not really feel it. I’m not in love with her, I just love her. Get that? I feel love for her. I care for her. I want her to be happy. I want to understand her, I want to Know her. I don’t care about her birthday. I want to Know her. I want her to feel happy, free, without worries, confident. I think I understood something: she may lack confidence somehow, she might not feel at ease doing her job, that part of her job. If I can try and make her more confident. Less awkward. I will. That’s probably nothing, but I do want to do something for her, anything that would make her feel good. Anything. But I realize my distance may make her feel a bit rejected. But I can’t cut that distance. I’m already falling from where I am, I can’t get closer. She’d notice, she’d feel weird. But, I can try and act subtle, have small behaviours, certain attitudes that will make her feel happy. She doesn’t need me, I do know that. But if I can add just one tiny grain of happiness, be it for only one second, then that would make me feel content. How selfish it is. Her smile would be my reward. I do want her happy. If I could protect her from anything unpleasant, I would. She’s older than me, but I want to protect her as if she were my child. Funny, right?

Last week she told me ” Thank you for the smile reading your message gave me”. It made me even more happier. I’m glad and proud: I made her smile. She was happy for 5 seconds. I don’t care if it’s only 5 seconds. I will not be able to do much more. Just try to add 5 seconds to another 5 seconds, to another 5 seconds.

You are a good person. Please, oh please, do not change. I know you’re not perfect, and you don’t have to be. You’re sincere. Thank you for that. Thank you for being you. And I do hope nothing on Earth will ever change you. You’ll never read that, won’t you?

Impossible.