a word play on year end review. I’m also gonna post a Menstral Monthy (funny terms for an unhappy life) on here too and share with the world about how my life is going. Maybe ill do it in poetry form or something. I guess I’ll go ahead and do October
Its October, fall is here
I’m a sad ************ just like last year
Laying in bed, to broke to shed a tear
Plagued by loneliness, fear, I need a beer
i can’t steer my life in the right direction
Crashing, mental paralysis, major depression
the infections from all the constant past rejections
Erase my mind, I don’t want no recollection
This month has been a complete disaster. Back in September after leaving the psyche ward, I promise to complete 1 goal a week and stay out of my (dis)comfort zone. I achieved zero of these goals. No drivers liscens, no further therapy, no looking for a section 8 housing etc. the only thing I am doing right is writing my manifesto. I want to put every ounce of hope I have left into this book. It’s going to be a large book with a huge agenda but that’s gonna take awhile to finish.
I been thinking a lot lately about the seasons and cycles of my life. This time last year, I was in my bed, still traumatized by abruptly having to leave Texas. I been back home in WV for 13 months now. It still doesn’t feel like home.
This time 10 years ago, I was still in the grips of my nervous breakdown that started in early 2005. I think it was even worse back then but I don’t know what worse is anymore.
I really set the bar high after leaving thst psyche ward. All delusional that I was gonna make lifelong friends. Now I wonder how many of those people would even talk to me if I meet them in the street and not the hospital.
I probably almost drank myself to death 3 weeks ago. So I decided to steer clear of any heavy alcohol. Only beer. Gotta wait till Thursday to drink my false happy Jesus juice again.
4 comments
When you think about it, every thought you have about the future is a delusion. You don’t know what other people will do in the future, so it can’t rest on others (at least not people you haven’t known for long), but you can have some control over what you’ll do. You could choose just one of those goals to work on alongside the book. Working on the book is a huge thing too, especially if it’s incentive to stick around.
I know how you feel when you remember the past and think or know it was worse, but you can’t imagine how. I hope things start to improve soon. I think you just have to keep in mind that there will be setbacks along the way. Maybe you expected too much too soon, but one or two small changes could make November or December better. Good luck, Windows. 🙂
Trix, that is profound. Are you sure you’re not a Tibetan monk dreaming this?
Haha, pretty sure.
Hey windoz, nice to hear from you again. Trix has a point, I think you expected too much. Those goals on your list are pretty big things, and you wanted to do one per week… It’s a lot to handle.
I’m glad you’re working on your book still, it’s nice that it gives you some purpose.
I’m sorry this is a tough time of the year for you and especially brings up bad memories. I know it’s hard to be reminded of times you’d rather forget. I hope you can reach a point where those ghosts can’t haunt you.