I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry

I just want to start this off, by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you in the past, and for all the terrible things I’ve done to you. I can understand if you hate me. It’d be a lie for me to say that I’d be okay with that, or able to accept it, but when I say I’d understand I mean it. I’m sorry for having feelings for you this summer, and complicating things between you and C, I’m sorry for kissing you, I’m sorry for being overly dependent on you, I’m sorry for trying to kiss you outside of Shell, I’m sorry for crashing your phone, and most of all, I’m sorry for what I’m doing right now. I’ve been clutching you, smothering you, and god that’s terrible. I understand completely why you can’t always reply to my texts, and I can also understand why you’d not want to. You’re a very busy person, you have work, musical, and who knows how many other things to do, and it was wrong of me to be so demanding of an answer. This entire thing has been my fault, hasn’t it? All the pain and suffering; it’s on me.

I hope at least, that you’ve enjoyed my mediocre little stories. I wrote them because of you, and you alone. That’s what ninety percent of them were about anyways. Well, this is going to turn into one really quickly, and I hope you like it. I’m writing this down and I’m going to print it out and hand it to you like I did with the stories. This is mostly because I did delete your number, and I don’t really have an opportunity to talk to you. If you say anything about this, then that’s fine, fantastic really. If you don’t, I won’t be surprised, and I won’t hold it against you. I’m just going to say right here, right now, that I’m not expecting kindness, or anything of the sort, but there will be that little bit of hope in my heart that something good will happen. I’ll be at the musical, by the way, if that’s of any interest to you.

And so it begins…

I’m terrified, no idea where to go, what to do. I don’t want these people to think I’m some loser after only a few days here, and to avoid that I have to find a place to sit, and fast. I think. Hey, there’s that S girl, I could sit by, at least that’d be somebody. So I go to sit at the table that seems to be mostly girls. I take a seat next to a girl with dark hair, and I’m kind of in the middle of the table. When I sit down I see a few girls, one with dark hair that’s kind of pretty but is a little big. A girl with what’s that color hair called? I don’t know, but she’s pretty and has glasses. There’s Sidney, with her stick thin body, large glasses, and familiar face. Finally there’s a skinny girl in what I think are yoga pants, seems like she’s a dirty blonde, but who knows anymore?

It’s maybe a month later, and I’m with M at the football game. My heart’s beating out of my goddamn chest and I’m happy as I can be. It’s a cold and bitter October night, and that little bit of a bite is really starting to hurt. We went to the dance, and that electronic pop crap was playing. I paid my two bucks to get in, but nobody was there so M and I decided to leave, along with C and some other people. We go to the playground that I’ve been to at least a thousand time, the worn tires gleam in the moonlight, and the wood is as dull as always. We start playing a game, I can’t remember what it’s called, or what the rules are, but it’s fast paced and my breathing’s starting to get a little bit heavier. We all grow tired of this game and meet up at what I’ve always thought of as a boat in the middle of the playground. Somebody suggests we play truth or dare and of course we agree, it’s a high school classic. Sometime during the game the girl with the hair color I still don’t know the name of, and a guy that’s probably her boyfriend shows up. Their turn comes up and the guy picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. A twinge of something, jealousy maybe? Shoots through me, but it’s quickly forgotten.

Another day, another stupid argument. She accused me of looking at other girls, and she’s putting on a nice face while we sit next to H and C. I’m so sick of this, but I’m putting up with it. I don’t know why, but I am. I keep stealing glances at H. Of course it’s wrong, and a little bit of me hates myself for it, but I do it anyways. She’s just so goddamned good looking, and I feel something in my chest. I ignore it, and barely register that it’s there. The meal goes on like normal, but something’s changed.

Ah shit, spilled a little bit of my drink in H’s car. Hope that piece of trash I’m covering it up with is absorbent. M’s to my left, C’s sitting in front of me, and H’s driving. Goodwill was fun, I think, Haven’t had that much fun with other people in a long time. We’re on our way to this place, Plaza Mexico. I’ve never heard of it, but we’re going, and apparently it’s my birthday. When we got there, I saw it was a pretty nice place, the outside really is deceiving. I order this huge burrito, and who knows what M’s ordering. I keep stealing glances at H, I’m not even aware I’m doing it anymore. God, she looks good tonight. We have some of the most natural, and easy coming conversations I’ve ever had. It’s a good day. I think to myself, with a dumb smile on my face.

We go to Wal Mart, like any good double dating teen should. I’m feeling like hell, why can’t they just shut up about how terrible of a boyfriend I am? The girls are going off on their own, and all the while I’m looking at M I’m noticing H on the edges of my vision. I don’t know how, or why, but we end up by the cd’s and video games. I wander off, and decide to go to the bathroom for a bit. I need a break. Once I get in there, I notice that nobody else has decided to occupy the cold little room with me. I stand, looking in the mirror while the water runs. I’m such a terrible person, why can’t I be like C, why can’t I make this stop? I go outside, hoping nobody sees me. I’m walking around the cd’s for a bit. Well, maybe I wasn’t walking around, maybe I was hiding from the others. The little bit of solitude I managed to build up is destroyed once C finds me. He says he was worried about me, and I almost believe him. We leave the store, my little episode obviously put a damper on the night. On our way home I decide to tell them, I have to. “I’m depressed, and that’s why I disappeared on you guys in Wal Mart, I was feeling down and needed to be alone for a bit.”

“That’s okay,” H says, and I forget what she said after. All I know is I felt a little less terrible for a bit.

What am I supposed to do? I ask myself. I’m sitting on the white couch upstairs, and I can’t stop thinking about how I broke up with M. All of the sudden I get a text from an unknown number. It says something about how there’s a rumor going around that M’s pregnant, and it’s mine. When I ask who it is all they say is, “I’m a friend.” I wear them down eventually though, and I find out it’s H. Why would she help me? After M hit her all I did was say terrible things about her. All I know is that I have one more friend in this world.

I’m walking up to Shell, feeling awkward because of the earbuds, the t-shirt, and the fact I’m walking up Main Street. I’m a little worried, I don’t know what I’ll say when I see her, or what we’ll talk about, but I keep walking. When I get there I’m not greeted, I even crack a joke about the terrible customer service there. We talk for hours, way longer than I thought we would. I end up walking back home because her shift ends after my curfew. I feel a lot better about how I’m doing now.

God it’s hot, and these fucking flies. I’m sitting with H next to me, she’s kind of smiling but something’s wrong. I can see it in the way the smile’s only skin deep. C shows up. Of course he does, can’t leave his girlfriend alone for too long. She knows how I feel about her, and I’m trying to avoid the elephant in the room. We spend the entire day manning the table and the cash. Well, I did. They wandered off for a while, found out later that they had a huge fight.

I just spent maybe the last two hours sitting on the counter in Shell, talking to H. She’s giving me a ride home, had an early closing time today. When we get to my house something happens. I don’t know what, and whoever or whatever does is much smarter than I’ll ever be. I lean over and kiss her, trying to remember that she doesn’t like full on makeout sessions. I hold her head in my hands, trying to make sure she will kiss me. She kisses me back, and Goddamn does it feel good. I kiss her a few times, I don’t remember how many, but not enough. Right before I leave the car she whispers, “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“I’ve gotten myself into worse.”

She’s coming to my house to pick me up. I think the feelings are all gone, and I’m surprised as all hell that she’s actually willing to see me after a few months of complete silence. I grabbed a second mountain dew for her, but apparently she’s quit pop. We end up at the park where this all began. It’s just the parking lot, but it brings back a lot of memories. Not all of them good. Sitting on the curb and talking feels good, ridiculously good. The feelings are back, of course they are. How’d I ever think they were gone?

It’s happened again, only this time she’s a few shades tanner and single. She’s coming over to pick me up, and we’re going to talk. When she gets there I see her little sister’s in the back seat. There’s barely enough time for me to buckle my seatbelt before we’re off, apparently we’re going to the “Blue Park.” When we get there, she sees T and the next second, we’re out of there. I don’t know where we go, or how many different places there are, but I do remember that we talked. We talked about all the old pains these places brought her, and I feel guilty for how badly I want to kiss her.