I am simply waiting to check out after my cat dies in another 8 years tops (since she’s middle aged for an indoor cat) seeing as how she’s the only person I can really think of who would actually be adversely impacted by my death with how she gets really down in the dumps after I’m gone just for a few days. I am incredibly brutally nihilistic at this point in my life which started from a very young age where I learned hard that there is no system of justice in physics so I don’t believe in good and evil, to me it’s all just how much someone can tolerate things. I am not sad. I take antidepressants already for severe anxiety and it helped greatly, but if I was depressed I’d think I wouldn’t be thinking like this still. I also asked my psychiatrist if I have any signs of depression and she said no and I looked up criteria for depression and it didn’t really fit me. People have told me to get another cat after my current one dies but I really don’t want to make another commitment of around 16 years to stay alive longer.
My feelings toward this and anything else wrong in my life have been met with things like when I tried to calmly and coldly commit suicide in Australia because my ex-wife and her family were essentially trying to brainwash me to go against my basic beliefs, my ex-wife said if I tried anything like that again she would “dump [my] ass in hospital and abandon [me]” which I was only thinking afterward “well better get it right next time”.
I’ve tried looking up reasons on Google to not commit suicide and barely any of them even apply to me. One top 10 list for not doing it had 9 reasons listing wife and kids and well… obviously my marriage failed if I’m referring to her as my ex-wife, and I have no kids.
I sometimes sleep 24/7 on purpose by taking advantage of where I have some sleep disorder that makes me exhausted all the time just so I have to deal with reality as little as possible.
My life has been constantly riddled with tragedy like my step grandfather who molested and tortured me when I was 5 tried to kill me and my great grandparents who raised me, with a car bomb that just happened to go off at the wrong time. I can barely even get anyone to talk to me anymore out of friends I’ve known for years and when I do and happen to try to talk to them about this stuff I get interrogated with things like the cherry picking fallacy on how my life isn’t that bad from 1% of it that has been good. I don’t even give a shit if my life is better or worse than anyone else’s like everyone seems to like to compete for with how it always turns into Oppression Olympics when I try to talk to anyone about how dead I am on the inside.
3 comments
Huh. Well this is encouraging… I was hoping someone who has been suicidal would have some helpful advice unlike a website probably written by a doctor or someone who has never been through it before because I honestly hate my outlook on it.
I’m very sorry that no one replied to your post. I’m going to try, although I am at present falling asleep. It’s very late where I am. Forgive me if my sentences get a little wonky.
I can relate to that whole brutally nihilistic thing. It isn’t a very healthy outlook on life. But I know that I can just say “hey, believe in something.” After all, belief is a bit more difficult than that. I’m very curious: what do you mean when you say that your ex tried to brainwash you out of these beliefs?
On that note, I’m so very sorry for the way your ex-wife treated you after your first attempt. That is a reaction that I’ve seen before, and from what I know of it, it stems from anger and hurt. You know, “why would you leave me? Aren’t I a good enough reason for you to stay?” Type stuff. What a heartless mistake to make with a hurting person.
But I’m very happy that you’ve chosen to reach out for help. That’s a great step in a great direction. You seem to have and to have had many reasons to kill yourself. But there is a reason that you are asking for help. Why is it that you want to find a reason not to kill yourself?
(I’m very sorry for my inadequate response. There are so many people on here that do this better than I.)
I think most of the people here are depressed and feel the same way you do….I know I do. I know how it feels to want to go to sleep and never wake up. But there is something that is keeping us all going….even if it is nothing but going through the motions, a charade of life, we keep going. I think that’s real courage.