I’ve stopped taking my meds in hopes of bringing back all the shittiness and to maybe store meds for if I ever decide to kill myself and I tell myself that it’s better than feeling numb but I honestly just hate myself and I feel so uncomfortable unless my chest is bound and I don’t know why. but I just wanna fucking die. I’m so tired and I hate myself and I can’t find the energy to do anything and I can’t reach out to anyone and my mom won’t stop preaching about god and I’m all alone and fuck. I really just wanna die. would I be found quickly if I killed myself at school cause I don’t want my parents to find me but I really just want to kill myself. my mom found my blades so she took those but I need something to control so I’ve tried to stop eating lunch but I can’t cause I’m fucking weak but I’m too fat and I just want to kill myself. I hate my body. someone kill me
Last night, I had my 18th birthday. I invited 13 people. And only 4 showed up. We made so much food. The evidence of people not coming is still here. People just told me they couldn’t come last minute. I felt shitter as the night went on.
I had a 3 tier cake. A fire pit to roast marshmallows. Cocktails. Multiple games. In the end it didn’t matter what was at the party people still didn’t show.
It was half an hour until two of my friends showed. They were the first guests. I thought they were the only ones coming until another two showed up. I felt so relieved.
Two others who were supposed to come said they couldn’t come because: they forgot, and my other friend said her dog was sick and might be put down.
I don’t know if I should believe them, but when they told me, I felt sick. I was so embarassed and upset and mad. My four friends who actually came felt sorry for me and tried to make me feel better by telling how this party was so much fun.
Nevertheless, I cried myself to sleep last night, and I’m still crying. I have never felt so humiliated in front of everyone. Now they know how much of a loser I am.
Hii… My name is Arianna, yesterday I posted on here that I tried to overdose… I did try, but fortunately it did not kill me.. I’ve been vomiting for 2 hours now.. Idk what I took, all I know it had 600 milligrams (is it milligrams or am I just dumb?) for each pill. I took 30, at the least… I did not go to the hospital and yes my parents found out.. I had told them I was bisexual and that I selfharm.. We didn’t go to the hospital because my mom thought she would lose her job ._. My mom told me that selfharming is cowardly and is showing that I’m not strong… Personally I took that offensively, because I don’t think selfharm is cowardly… It’s just a way to cope with feelings that you can’t necessarily put into words…. I was heading off to bed and told my mom I loved her… All she said is “Really?! Because you have a weird way of showing it.” Anyways… I threw away all of my blades away.. Yes, I’m going to try and stop selfharming…. And yes I’m recovering fine from the pill overdosage thing.. I’m not leaving anytime soon.. Not when I’m with someone who would of took his life if I took mine.. Thank you. Goodnight y’all. Feel free to hmu on kik.. Arianna_Newton
So about six weeks ago, I took an overdose. Clearly, it didn’t kill me, lol. Since then I’ve been overwhelmed with people trying to help. Counselling, reviews, going through my post.
I had an assessment yesterday. I guess breaking someone down into tiny little pieces is a good way of hammering it home that they’re not really in a good place. Ha. No, I’m sure that man was only trying to do his job, the only way he knows how, and I guess it’s whoever taught him that’s to blame.
He wanted to know if I would like to see the self-harm team. No. I think I know exactly why I do it. I know there are alternatives. I also know, sometimes, they don’t work. And ‘self-harm’? The use of that term still offends me. The psychiatrist. Well, they’re not likely to be capable of anything fantastically novel and/or helpful, so no. The very kind people at the charity who will call me over the weekend to make sure I’m still alive – I’m pretty sure that’s for their peace of mind rather than any actual benefit, so no.
If you’re going to ask for help, you need to take the help that people think is appropriate for you.
Been there. Done that.
What was I hoping for? I know what I was hoping for, you can probably guess. He knew what I was hoping for. And he’s right, it’s completely irrational and I’m not generally an irrational person. But I guess desperation does that to you. After all, I’m also supposedly too rational to try to kill myself. (What rationality has to do with it, I have no idea – except that I guess I can rationalise everything including death.)
But try, I did.
I guess the lesson I keep learning from mental health services is that you have to help yourself. I’m sure I don’t interpret that in the way they mean. I think they mean, let us tear your self-construct down so we can build you back up in a way that’s survivable for you, and pretty and functional for everyone else. I might think that was a good idea, if I thought that survivability was the most important thing, but I guess the thing about being depressed is that you don’t. I am (quite) functional, and I suppose I can sit pretty if I put my mind to it, but surviving the experience?
You’re missing the point. Nobody comes out of life alive. We are none of us going to survive. I know my own mind, even as I know it’s a train wreck, and honesty is the only thing I have left.
I write this because I assume we won’t talk again. Sorry.
From an extra letter I wrote that I planned to send you.
Four years I loved you. We were always close throughout middle school. We always hung out, talked, walked, everything. I missed talking to you until one of us fell asleep, or walking you home, or our long hugs, or even hearing when people would ask me if we were a couple. I guess even though I am no longer in love with you, I still miss those things. I remember everything, you know. I remember when I first found out I was in love with you, I remember when I told you, I remember A LOT of our conversations. Four years! I regret a lot of things as well. I regret starting stupid problems between us, I regret anytime I made you feel sad, I regret no realizing you were going through depression, I regret getting with Eileen. I don’t know why I did that, it was stupid and short; no feelings at all. I regret moving away, even though that is not necessarily my fault. Four years I stood in love with you! Three years it took to get over you. The whole time I have lived here it has been hard to find a relationship. I talked, romantically, to a few girls in my time here and each time I got really close with them I just pushed them away because didn’t feel the way I felt when I was with you. I tried a few times to get over it but failed each time and I end up depressed binge watching on romantic/depressing animes. What happened? Look at what my feelings turned me into. If I am letting all this out I might as well say this; in summer going into my junior year, I was at my loneliest time in my life. I was indoor all day playing pc for days straight with no sleep. Nothing but games and anime. I remember one night thinking, “Fuck this is it. I am done! So much shit.” I had a lot on my mind. So much in my head was going to kill me; but above all my issues the thing that killed me the most was missing you and still loving you. I wanted to kill myself for being lonely and still loving you. I knew very well that you had a boyfriend and I accepted that. I never believed it, even in freshman year, that we would be something. I accepted that but never coped from it. I couldn’t believe I almost left my family over something I should have been over already. I am sorry to have laid all this on you, Kimberly. I am doing better of course. You already know I eventually sought help and the suicidal thoughts have passed. I recently moved on as well, no more love. In that way, at least; I still care about you. I am finally done. The whole point of this was based on guilt. I felt guilty for leaving you hanging.
(I unlocked all my locked posts in case you wanted to read them, cats out if the bag…)
I just had one of those days where it will suddenly hit me that life is an unpredictable little fucker. Even if I’m the main character of my own story, protagonists still die.
Sometimes I feel so confident that I wouldn’t die today. And it’s just really funny.
Sometimes, I think I won’t die unless I want to.
I feel so confident that the one who’ll kill me is me.
And that’s really funny.
Still desperate to die.
Why won’t they take pity on me? Oh god please do one good thing for me and kill me.
Here is me.
- I am like the Great Attractor for bullies
- Everybody around me are either sadists, bullies or a quiet bystander.
- People accuse ME of something that I did NOTHING wrong.
- I am suffering from severe depression.
- I have thought about at least 3 suicidal thoughts when I go to school.
- I HATE school.
- 99% of the time when I get bullied or when I fall down or get a cut NOBODY helps me.
- Teachers do nothing about the bullying or sometimes even bully me.
- People don’t quite understand me.
- I get bullied AT LEAST 5 TIMES A DAY.
- I am NOT exaggerating.
- I just (by “just” I meant a week ago) took an online test, it said I am Type IV gifted! “The type IV gifted are the angry and frustrated students whose needs have not been recognized for many years and they feel rejected in the system. They express themselves by being depressed or withdrawn and responding defensively. They are identified very late; therefore, they are bitter and resentful due to feelings of neglect and have very low self-esteem. For these students, counseling is highly recommended.”
- I am helpful, loving and caring to people, but people are NOT doing that to me.
- I don’t deserve the bullies I get.
- I want to make the world a better place but I can’t.
- I am very nice to people BUT people are absolutely HORRIBLE to me.
I diagnosed myself to be a schizoid, but due to self-diagnosis, people may laugh it off, but I know myself very well.
I have no desire to live, or to die. I see no real meaning to continue living. Everyone has to die, isn’t it? It also seems to be the quicker way to get rid of the boredom I have had all my life. Though my circumstances are just as bad as any other suicidal person, I have no real emotional attachment to anything in life. I live alone in Japan, though I was not raised here, hence I don’t even speak japanese.
There is no alternate way for me, I have used up my savings to prepare for this, I can’t get a job without knowing the language. My parents brought me here a year ago to work and went back to their country. I have no attachments or whatever. Even if I can’t kill myself, starvation will kill me.
For those who want to reply to this post, answer me this:
What actually is the meaning of living? Why do you need to live, knowing that you will die, whether you want to or not.
I’m 32, I failed at life. I suffer from PTSD because of sexual abuse during my childhood. I’m seeing a therapist, I’ve had lots of therapy in the past and I just can’t seem to get myself together. I hate it, I feel lonely. I know I don’t want to die but this is not living either. Ptsd symptoms started showing about 10 years ago when I fell in love, we broke up 1,5 years ago. I just felt like I was getting worse and worse. It’s hard to come by financially and I’m just tired of fighting of feeling like this . I’m done with the feelings of shame. I feel like a total failure, I’m constantly crying and I have felt like this for so long now, I’m so done with it. I’m looking up for instruction on how to extract nicotine from pipe-tabacco, if I make enough extract it will kill me in a short amount of time. If it will work, if it doesn’t I will be in extremely physical pain. I tried to kill myself before when I was 18, it failed because I did not know how to do it. I used to be glad that it didn’t work but I don’t feel like that anymore for quite some time now. Actually since the break-up, I do not want him back. I just feel totally messed up because of this relationship. I don’t know if he was emotional abusive in a way or that I was triggered so badly by the relationship that I projected my childhood abuse onto him. I most of the time think it was both. During the relationship I just learned myself all kinds of tricks to cope with the constant stress I used to feel. And now I’m 32 and I just can’t seem to make a decent living. I’ve waisted my life and I don’t know how to turn things around. I just want to give up on everything and leave everyone behind. I don’t care anymore if my closest friends are going to miss me or will be hurt, I don’t care anymore if my family will lose a sister, daughter, niece or aunt. I really don’t care anymore, I used to care because I didn’t want to hurt them but now I just lost this feeling. I just want to stop the pain. I want to stop the shame, the lonelyness, I just want to stop the feelings of feeling unlovable, or the feelings of being broken. I just want it to end. Maybe I will just hang myself, all the methods will be painfull and scary.
I have been feeling the icy tendrils of depression wrapping around my ankles for a few weeks now. The mist of bored distress have filled my mind. I can’t concentrate on school… This is not good. I am finding it more difficult to stay positive and use my healthy coping skills. In my head it sounds like a screaming saw “Cut, cut, cut” and I can only visualize the plethora of methods to take my life. I jumped off an overpass once… Broke my leg… Obviously it didn’t kill me. Now I know better. I am afraid of those hesitation marks. The ones that hurt. I wish it didn’t have to hurt, but it does. I don’t make the same mistakes twice. Carry-on.
I wrote 2890 words in 68 minutes. It’s for my essay that has a word limit of 2000, and it’s still not finished. I only stopped because my laptop died and I’ve lost the charger. Usually it would take me between 2-3 hours to finish it. I did it in 1. One of the only upsides to all this energy right now.
I have college tomorrow, the essay was due in last Monday and I was off so I needed it for tomorrow morning. Oh well.
I was talking to an old friend online earlier. Needlessly to say, they are barely my friend right now. They said I was manic, and I got aggressive trying to defend myself and prove I’m not. Never mind, I barely spoke to them anyway.
I feel like going for a run, but my mum would actually kill me if she knew I’d gone out a 1AM.
I can barely control my emotions now. They’re getting so intense it’s unreal. My mum showed me a slightly funny video earlier, and I laughed for 20 minutes. Full blown hysterics.
I can cope with the laughter, the happiness. It’s the anger that worries me. What should only slightly tick me off, makes me enraged. And when I should be angry, instead I’m completely furious to the point where I’m either hurting myself or breaking something. I almost hurt my mum yesterday, and my brother.
My stepdad has bruises and cuts all over him from multiple fights over the weekend. He still thinks I was just joking around with him, but I wasn’t. I just lost control and I could not calm myself down. I lashed out at him for a solid 15 minutes at one stage to the point where I had a small cut on my knuckle.
I don’t know how much longer I can cope with all this anger and irritation without completely blowing up, and I’m afraid of what will happen when I eventually do.
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling less like a piece of shit than usual. However, I’m positive that I’ll have a freak out sooner or later. Since I’ve been on SP for a week I might as well talk about the first and only time I’ve ever attempted suicide. And by that I mean a half-baked attempt that would have just landed me in the hospital with a stomach ache or not even that. So this was a few years ago and my depression was the worse it had ever been. My parents had just got done yelling at me for a $20 dollar fee I never followed up on. I was scared and I just wanted to die. They went out of the house for something that I can’t really remember. So I was crying and I got this idea in my head. I opened the drawer to find baby aspirin. That’s right baby aspirin. I even remember thinking “Is this even going to kill me?” I checked on the back and it said “If more than 5 are consumed at a time, it might result in kidney failure.” So I just shrugged and took the bottle to my room. I got a huge glass of water, which probably would’ve diluted the aspirin, and a huge handful of baby aspirin. I held it up to my mouth and had tears streaming down my face and snot dripping from my nose. In the end I wimped out and put the bottle with the aspirin back. I just laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep. Well that’s it. I doubt my slightly ok mood will last long. Thanks for listening.
I am wrong all the time and im stupid and crazy I want to die I cant take it no more . I am ridiculed for not having money but I havr no help..I have been in this motherfucking town for almost one month . my job as I see it get to the office and make money every body eles can go fuck them slefs. I dont need to put a cup of coffe for my father in law or be apart of this family I dont want to play scategory or Monopoly…. And fucking play house I was told I was gonna make money have not seen it yet not just me no one has made money . my husband has one job drop me off to the office the latest 11:30 am . noooooooo he sleeps in till one or two in tha afternoon so I get fucked why am not at the office and if I was drop of it was by my father in law or cousin who is a lucky brother they only do drugs or drink or play golf ..
This the first time in 21 years of my life I seen do something……I didnot mary a lucky brother beucase of this but some how I got one no drugs tho not athletic but dose gamble and drink with the temper to match no lucky brother boold whats so ever……but guess what mother fucker Im half boolded lucky brother and the woman are just as fucking crazy as the men ..so I woke my husband up screaming beacuse its 12:00 and im still home and I am not allowed to drive * know how to * but anything they will do to handicap me they will do …..my husband wakes up 20 min after I go fucking off and is mad at me because” why dint I go with his mother ?”
When tell him its his job too take me he tells me I have no right to be mad and I am not doing my dutys as hos wife for his family and i am wrong and thats it and were i want to be is wrong how am i all ways wrong ……I want die I really want to pleaae some tjong some one kill me please .
I CANT STOP CRYING THATS ALL I DO IS CRY NOW
It’s strange. Just some minutes ago I was feeling numb and empty and now my feelings are taking me down. I stare out of the window asking myself “Well, would those stones really kill me if I jumped with my head ahead on them?” Then my other voice decides for me: “Too risky, the chance of surviving and end up in a clinic with everyone thinking you’re mad and idiotic and eventually leaving you too is just WAY too high…” Wow. My mind sure knows how things work and what makes me feel better again. Not.
I’m in this I-hate-myself-can’t-do-anything-anymore-but-being-depressed-I-just-wanna-die mood again, if you know what I mean. I’m so pissed off by this, everything is just awful while being in this mood. My mind is annoying, I sometimes really want to live without feels, I imagine it to be so relaxing, but well, probably this is also no perfect option though… Whatever, I mean it’s not as I could change it anyway, so why do I even bother?
So it seems like every time things seem okay then they just go to shit. Today I was driving my car when the engine died, but the car was still going because the speed I was already traveling at. Since the engine died the brakes and power steering went out right before a curve in the road so I had to try and get the car around the curve. I did and I got it stopped. I wish I would have been going faster when it happened so I could have just let the car go and let it kill me.
My job has stopped giving me the hours I need to survive and the job situation where I live is horrible so it’s impossible to find a new job. I’ll probably not be able to afford my horses soon. I’ve been forced to only eat one meal a day and sometimes none because I have no money. My horses are my life and the only reason I’m still alive. If I don’t find a new job soon I will lose everything.
I don’t know why my mind sees it this, but it always seems like I hope it will get better or I try to build something it gets ruined. I want to give up and die so much and I’m really considering it right now. Nothing ever works out for me. I don’t know if I believe in destiny but I’ve always known I would kill myself since the fourth grade, I think the only thing I’m meant to do in life is die which is why nothing ever works out for me. I have no talents and I’m not good at anything and I understand not everyone lives a full happy life and some people die young and miserable. I have access to a gun so maybe it’s finally time to give up on all of it, there’s nothing good in my life anyway.
As always, I’ve been thinking too much. If I didn’t think as much and as deeply as I do I’m certain I wouldn’t be suicidal and I’d be a much happier person. But I can see the truth about myself and it’s going to make me kill me.
I used to be better than this. I’ve been slowly declining over several years but it was only a little over a year ago when I started to realize there was a time limit on my facade of success. It has been a torturously slow spiral but sometimes I can feel the way it will speed up until I lose everything all at once. And I do deserve to die, because the cause of this decline is me and only me. There is no outside cause for me being the way I am. And isn’t it better to go out while people can still remember me in a light of moderate success than to wait until I’m finally unable to hide the abomination within?
(this will be my suicide note)
yo, so yeah i’m dead….pretty ironic how i’d say id kill myself so many times..but hey, i might be better idk…but um yeah tell dan, phil, mcr, atl, tyler and josh i love them
by m8 -the lving meme melz